ONE Madali namang magpanggap. It had always been easy with me and Jean Rose before.

Nung bata pa kami. But now is very much different! Kahit na ba iisa kami ng mukh a. Kahit na ba aminado `kong pareho kaming maganda. I never thought that I would wake up one day and be Jean Rose forever! Sabi nga ni Bea Alonzo sa movie na Sa `yo lamang kaya kong lahat `wag lang `to. So mething like that. At lalong hindi ko kayang maghimala! I can t be Mama Mary! Hind i ko kayang maghimala Hindi ba nila alam na hindi ako Immaculate Concepcion? Hind i ako santa. So I think, kahit anong hiling ko kay God ay hindi ako lililiman ng kung anumang espiritu. Mrs. Sunico? I flinch. I look up to see all their eyes on me. I am not Mrs. Sunico! Gusto ko `yong isigaw. Handa na `kong tumakbo. Kung hindi ko pipirmahan `yun marriage cer tificate eh di walang legal na kasal. Ganon lang kasimple. The paper looks like a snake ready to jump on me. Napaatras ako. Bahala na si Julian? I bumped into him. Ang likod ko ay lumapat sa dibdib niya. He was there al l along. He smiled at me. And I ll tell you. It wasn t a smile. It was more of a gri mace. I couldn t meet his eyes. Mabilis akong humarap sa taong nagpapapirma sa `ki n ng marriage certificate. My feet are frozen on the ground. I feel my back pres sed against his hard muscled chest. Lumakad siya which tugged me along him. His strong arms surrounded me all of a sudden. Kinuha niya ang ballpen at inilagay s a mga kamay ko. Napatingala ako. Wrong move. His brown chinito eyes sought mine. Bumaba ang ulo niya at tumapat halos ang bib ig niya sa gilid ng bibig ko. Biglang napahawak ako ng mahigpit sa ballpen at na papirma ng wala sa oras. Pinirma ko ang initials since pareho kami ng initials n a JR Leviste. That s my girl. I thought I am going to faint any minute now. Malamang na sa tingin ng ibang tao ay sweet na sweet kaming magkayakap. Little did they know that this big brute i s threatening me to sign this damned document that will bind us forever. Kiss! Kiss! No! My mind is screaming. My heart is racing. Forever. Marriage. And this is one of those ahm. Sh!t. Sh!t. Smile sweetie. And we ll give them the show they ve all been waiting for. He tilted my chin up. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay nakita ko ang pag-iyak ni mommy. Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanyang dapat ako ang umiiyak at hindi siya. Isn t she happy? I become the good daughter they want me to be. All my life, I d been t he black sheep. At minsan na nga lang akong nag-attempt sumunod. Pumalpak pa! Jules I think this is not a good ide Don t call me that. Galit na sabi nito. Just because of that? He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me tighter. He pinched my waist n ot-so-gently. I yelped. Lumapit ang mukha niya sa `kin. As in, malapit na malapi t. My eyes grew wide. Stop acting the nave little virgin darling The sarcasm wasn t lost on me. He whispered that almost to my mouth considering he was only an inch or two away from me. Isn t it late for that? Mabagal ata ang pagpafunction ng brain cells ko. At hindi ko nakuha ang ibig niy ang sabihin. Bakit Virgin pa naman ako tal Pumikit agad ako ng makita kong pababa na `yung mukha niya. This isn t my first ti me to be kissed. But this was the first time I would be kissed by someone I am n ot in love with. May napakalaking difference `yun! It seemed like a lifetime.

I opened my eyes. Tapos na ba? `Yun agad ang unang nag-register sa isip ko. But what amazed me was that I was already looking to Julian s back. At nakikipagkamay na ito sa mga guests. Parang biglang namula `yung pisngi ko. He didn t kiss me!

Ano? Tatayo ka na lang ba dyan? Magsasalita sana ako. Lumapit ito at hinila ang braso ko. Naiinis na ko ha. Juli an Sunico is anything but gentleman! Kung totoo man ang sinabi nito na pinikot i to ng kapatid niya pwes bakit nag-ala runaway bride din ito sa mismong araw ng k asal nito? Sa tingin mo ba pinikot talaga kita? Inis kong sabi habang pilit hinihila ang bras o ko sa kamay niya. He looked at me from head to foot. At ang response niya? He dragged me all the m ore. Pano kung nagustuhan mo naman? I know I m pushing my luck. Wala akong idea kung anon g nangyari bago ang kasal na ito. Sino ba? Mommy woke me up two days ago in my N ew York boarding house just to tell me that, Jeannie honey, two days from now you r e going to get married! Wow. Ganon lang. Parang nag-announce lang siya na-late na ko for school. We stopped from walking. Mommy, I think we re going to push through our honeymoon. Kayo na pong bahala sa rec eption. Mrs. Sunico, Julian s mother smiled at me and hugged me. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag ng bitiwan nito ang braso ko. Habang niyakap ako ng mama niya ay kitang kita ko ang warning sa mga mata niya. Hija, please take care of him. Pagpasensyahan mo na kung minsa y may tantrums si Ju lian. Please since you re going to be a mother. Please take care of them both. Hind i mo lang alam how you made me happy. I was overwhelmed with guilt. Walang baby! Gusto ko na ring makiiyak sa mommy ni to. Bago pa man ako makapagsalita ay hinila niya na ulit ako sa braso. Juli an I winc ed. Magiging masaya ka sa kanya. I doubt it. Pano ko magiging masaya sa isang taong ngayon ko lang nakita? On my wedding day. Of course mom, he kissed her on the cheek. Hindi na kasi kami makapaghintay. We hav en t had a proper honeymoon, you know. Ngumiti ito. At hindi ko gusto ang ngiti nit ong iyon. Parang mas lalo akong kinabahan. Julian let s talk. I stopped him on the way. Pero parang wala itong naririnig. If he dislike this marriage as much as I do. Why didn t he object? Dahil ba sa baby ni Jea n? Pero bakit ito umalis? Why didn t my mother tell me about this whole stuff? Pwede ba! Sumakay ka na nga lang. Bigla akong natakot sa biglaan niyang pagsigaw. Napaupo ako sa passenger seat ng wala sa oras. He drove off for about fifteen mi nutes. The silence stretched on between us. Tumalon kaya ako palabas ng kotse? T apos palabasin kong nalaglag ang baby? Pero pano kung mamatay naman ako? HINDI PW EDE. Ipagtapat ko sa kanya! Yes. That was it. Julian I ll tell you something Hindi ko napansin na nasa tapat na pala kami ng isang malaking gate. Must have b een their mansion. He glanced at me boringly. Na para bang wala siyang pakialam kung ano man iyon. About this marriage about the baby Don t tell me that the baby isn t real because I ll surely wring your neck. I might kil l you, you know. I looked him in the eye. He isn t joking! Ganon mo ba kahalaga `yung baby?... Hindi ba dahil mahal mo `ko? Sa pagkagulat ko ay bigla itong tumawa. He moved forward. Ang isang kamay niya a y humawak sa pisngi ko. I bit my lower lip. His nearness was causing my heart to palpitate at a not so normal pace. Dahil kinakabahan lang siguro ako. Dahil dahi l Bumaba iyon hanggang sa palapulsuhan ng leeg ko. His one hand wrapped around my n eck. My eyes grew wide. You ruined my future Jean. And I m going to make you regret the day you trapped me into this. Pinakawalan niya ko. I tried catching my breath. Bumaba ito ng kotse a t ibinaba lahat ng gamit ko, tatlong malaking suitcase at isang bag. `Pag baba k o ay nakatingin lang siya sa `kin. Dalin mo `yung gamit mo.

Ano?! Napatingin ako sa mga gamit ko. Hindi siya ganon kasama para gawin sa `kin `to. Ginagawa na niya. He s dead serious. He s going to make my life a living hell! Julian! He didn t turn around. Pero at least tumigil ito sa paglalakad. Oh Lord. I m sorry. Alam kong madadagdagan na naman `yung kasalanan ko. But this w asn t my entire fault! Gusto mo bang makunan ako?

TWO Hindi na `ko magtataka kung bakit nag-ala Julia Roberts `yung kakambal ko. Anywa y, I remembered specifically that Runaway Bride was her favorite movie. Had she thought for the first time that this Julian was a prince charming? LOL. I couldn t blame her. He is every woman s wicked fantasy. Though I was never particular with tsinitos, sige na nga since uso naman `yun ngayon. He was of a Chinese descent. Mayaman(sa hirap ba naman ng buhay ngayon, that s on top of my list ever) gwapo ( in fairness, my twin s got a taste), muy simpatico antipatiko `kamo. At ngayong na-realize niyang mas masahol pa kay Beast ang ugali nito ay umalis n a lang ito basta? On a serious basis, I knew deep down that she wouldn t do it. Un less may napakabigat siyang dinadala. `Yung baby! I sighed. Patihayang humiga ako sa kama habang ang mga binti ko ay nakasayad pa rin sa sahig. I could live like a princess here with the Beast. Unti-unti na `kon g hinihila ng antok. Then the door slammed open. LOUDLY. I groaned inwardly. I opened one good eye. Hindi ka ba marunong kumatok? Nakakainis. Wala ba itong natutunan sa GMRC? He didn t even look at me. Believe me , bigla akong nagising sa sunod niyang ginawa. Tinanggal niya ang necktie niya t apos ay inisa-isa ang mga butones ng polo niya. Bakit ako kakatok sa sarili kong kwarto? Lumingon ako bigla sa queen sized bed. Sh!t. Sh!t. Double sh!t. Jules surely you don t mean to Oh, I mean to. No! Papatayin na ba siya nito sa unang gabi ng kasal nila? I gnawed the inside o f my right cheek as I looked at him. He was already jerking his pants off! Damn. My brain wasn t functioning well. When he was standing very proud in front of me clad with his jockey, lo and behold! He should have he should have been a ramp mod el instead. He stared pointedly at me. Then reality dawned on me at once. This wasn t any of J ean Rose s pranks anymore. You re serious. I whispered. Lumapit ito sa kama paharap sa `kin. At itinukod ang dalawang kamay sa gilid ng mga hita ko. Our faces were in ches away from each other. Para `kong maso-suffocate na hindi maintindihan. I co uld smell his masculine scent mingled with perfume. Bakit ba hindi nakikisama an g mga senses ko! Are you forgetting wife? That this is our honeymoon night. Napalunok ako. His chinito eyes turned into slits. I m pregnant. Sabay kaming napatin gin sa tiyan ko. Naalala ko ang mommy noon kapag nagsisinungaling kami ni Jean, m agkakatotoo daw ang kung ano mang pinagsisinungalingan namin . Hindi naman siguro. Exactly. I couldn t get you any more pregnant than you are now. Saka stop acting as if you don t want this. Three months ago, halos ipagsiksikan mo sa `kin ang sarili

mo. So what game is this? Get into my bed and then play the pakipot later? I promise you, kung bumubuga lang ng apoy ang mga mata ng tao baka nasunog na `ko ni Juli an. He slid his hands and fisted my hair. I winced. Not in pain. But in shock. Juli an I tried to push him off me. Pero lumapat lang ang mga kamay ko sa malapad niy ang dibdib. Natatakot na talaga ko. Kahit ba sabihin mong gwapo ang mangre-rape sa `yo. It is still spelled the same R-A-P-E. Juli an! ahhhh I moaned and twisted. He stilled against me. Dyos ko po, nagkakapatong patong na ang mga kasinungalingan ko. Nasan na ang kakambal ko? Bakit ako ang n agdudusa sa kasalanang `di ko ginawa? Alam ko namang magaling akong umarte. Naaw ardan pa nga ako nung high school na best actress nung gumanap akong Sisa sa Nol i. So what s this grand scheme? Tignan mo `tong lalaking `to. He didn t give even a nary compassion toward me. Onti nalang talaga mauubos na pasensya ko. Me ron kasi `ko. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag ng itulak niya `ko palayo. Napahiga na lang ako sa kama . I thought my monthly flow was a curse, blessing in disguise din naman pala. How many days? He brushed his hand roughly through his hair. Ahm a three days. I licked my lower lip. Nagbibilang ba si San Pedro ng penalty? A we ek. He frowned at me. I was keeping my fingers crossed. Fine. Galit itong humiga. I sighed in relief. Ah, nakalimutan ko Pregnant women don t bleed. Well Julian? Humiga na din ako sa pinakagilid ng malaking kama. Matulog ka na. Silence. Why do you hate me so much? Gusto kong matawa sa sarili kong tanong. Para iyong 1+ 1=2. Obvious na tinatanong pa. But some part of me still wanted to hear the conf irmation. Tumagilid ako patalikod sa kanya ng inakala kong hindi na siya sasagot. Then I f elt tears brimming down the side of my face. I couldn t help it. The situation wa s worst than I had expected. Niyakap kong mahigpit ang unan upang patahimikin an g paghikbi ko. I felt so alone and vulnerable. I was alone inside a big mansion, in bed with a stranger whom I had just met a few hours ago. Specifically a very estranged and angry husband and here I was supposed to be pregnant. How was tha t for a Shakespearean play? Masyadong tragic ang buhay ko. Do you hate me? I whispered again. Yes. Silent tears turned into muffled sobs. Pinipilit kong pakalmahin ang mga hikbi k o. Jean Rose isn t a crybaby. I am. Hindi ito makulit. Samantalang hindi ako titig il ng hindi ko nakukuha ang gusto ko. Kung kaya t it was very much out of Jean Ros e s league to do something as pikot . I m sorry. Hindi ko sinasadya. Gusto kong sabihin iyon sa kanya on my twin s behalf. Pe ro para ko na rin niloko ang sarili ko. Kailan ba hindi sinadya ang pikot? Sige nga sabihin niyo sa `kin. Sa pagkakaalam ko walang pikot na hindi planado. Are you crying? Kung umiiyak ako may paki ka ba? No. Pero lalo lang akong naiyak. Isang malakas na hikbi ang hindi ko napigilan. Nara mdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa balikat ko. I felt his hard naked chest against m y back when he tried to peek above my shoulder. You are crying. I shook my head. Yeah. Yeah. Sasabihin mong either sipon lang `yan o napuwing ka lang. Parang bigla ng nagkaroon ng tenderness sa boses nito. O baka imagination ko lang `yon. He si ghed. He still didn t move from behind me. Didn t he know what he s doing to my senses ? His thumb brushed the moisture on my cheeks. In this position, we were almost in timately embracing. Hindi na nga almost eh. Mabilis akong umisod palayo sa kanya papunta sa gilid ko. And he also moved along with me! Umusod ulit ako. Umusod u lit siya. What the hell is the matter with you? Ang laki laki ng kama dyan ka nagsusumiksik

. I couldn t believe it. Sinigawan niya ko! I thought we were okay. Hindi dahil pina hiran niya ang luha mo okay na Jeannie. Ang laki nga ng kama dikit ka naman ng dikit. Inis na humarap ako sa kanya. Sa pagkakaalam ko hindi ko talaga sinadya na magka tapat `yung mukha namin. Our noses touched. Didn t Eskimos kiss like that? Matulog ka na. Inis na lumayo ito at tumalikod. I thought women are the only ones who are fickle-minded. I woke up late in the morning. Ngumiti ako and said a tha nk you prayer to my maker. Sabay bigla `kong naalala ang sitwasyon ko. Mabilis a kong bumangon at ginawa ang morning routines ko. `Pag baba ko ay nag-aalmusal na ang prinsipe sa lanai. At take note: he didn t even bother to pull out the chair for me. Para `kong invisible na hindi niya nakita. Good morning Jules! I take it you had a good night sleep? Deadma. Siya nga pala. Uuwi ako sa bahay mamaya may hihingin sana akong pabor. Hangin. Hang in lang ako. `Yun lang. I gritted my teeth. Hindi na `ko magtataka kung masira a ng isa kong ngipin. I smiled sweetly at him. Gusto kong umuwi sa `min sa duration ng honeymoon natin tutal naman hindi mo pa ` ko kailangan. I said airily while I was putting butter on the toast. Malamang sa mga araw na `yon mahahanap ko na ang magaling kong kakambal. Natulig ako ng biglang bumagsak ang tasa ng kape nito sa platito. He stood up an d cleaned his mouth with the napkin. You re not going to see your family. Unless you re with me. My eyes grew wide at the implication of his words. The food was forgotten. I cou ld have misheard him. Galit na tumayo ako at hinabol siya. Mabilis na humarap ak o sa kanya. Why are you being so difficult? Nakikiusap na `ko sa `yo! If you didn t want this marriage in the first place then why didn t you object? Computer age na tayo! Hindi na uso ang shotgun wedding ngayon no. If I were pregnant you could h ave at least supported me financially. Humihingal sa galit na sabi ko ng matapos a ng speech ko. He was staring at me stonily. I don t care anymore kung mukha man ak ong peso sign. Sana naisip mo `yan when you and your family blackmailed me into this marriage. An yway, what s a scandal with the Sunicos right? I saw the muscles on his jaw flexed. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa narinig ko. They wouldn t do it. Not Jean Rose. Had they really set out to ruin Julian s life? Pano k ung may ibang mahal si Julian kung may handa itong ibang pakasalan sana. SANA WAL A. Hindi ako martir. Matagal ng binaril si Rizal sa Luneta at wala akong balak sumu nod sa yapak niya. So I wouldn t think about him. I would think first of myself. Me, myself and I. and my twin. Napasabunot ako sa buhok ko. Mabilis akong umakyat at hinagilap ang cellphone sa bag ko. I closed my eyes. I was ready to weep. Pat i ba naman cellphone ko hindi pa nakisama? Naiwan pa. Mabilis akong bumaba at na ghanap ng telephone. Where the hell are the telephones here? Ano `to mansyon na walang telepono? Ma am, may hinahanap po ba kayo? I smiled brightly at the maid. Where s the telephone? I didn t want to sound stupid, you know. Ako ang asawa pero wala akong alam. Not to mention that the house was so big you could get lost. Eh ma am sabi po ni sir `wag daw po kayong pagamitin ng telepono. ANO?! Is he serious? Never mind. I waved my hand at her in dismissal. He was reall y hell-bent on making my life miserable. I screamed my frustration within the fo ur walls of the mansion. I didn t care who heard it. If he did, just as well. No one pacified me. Just as well. Dahil hindi ko na alam kung anong magagawa ko. Nang sa tingin ko ay kumalma na `ko ay lumakad ako sa front porch. I dressed hu rriedly and quickly got out. Maaga `kong mababaliw sa bahay na `to. Wala naman p umigil sa `kin ng nagtuloy tuloy na `kong lumabas ng gate. Maglalakad na lang ak o palabas ng subdivision para maghanap ng taxi. When a car automatically stopped in front of me. Isang babae t lalaki. Jean! I was so worried about you. Itinuloy mo pa rin pala ang balak. The woman hug ged me. Oh-kay. Balak?!

Lumapit ang lalaki. My eyes grew wide. And what amazed me most was he embraced me! I missed you love so much. Naging Sunico ka lang Jean? He frowned at my reaction. Fe eling ko para `kong nagka-amnesia. Nakalimutan mo na ba `ko? Hindi kita nakalimutan! Hindi lang talaga kita kilala.

THREE We aren t rich. But every time they asked my parents where school I go to? I think , they were proud to say in the least na, ah, `yung bunso kong anak she stays in N ew York . Masarap namang pakinggan eh, but I wish they would be more proud of me. And they would stop comparing me to Jean Rose. Para kasing nilagyan lang nila `k o ng nette pero sa totoo lang it was as if they wanted me to be Jean Rose. And ne ver to be Jeannette Rose. Ang sarap tignan ng may kakambal. Oo, may papalit sa `yo kapag absent ka sa clas s. Someone who could break it off with your own boyfriend in proxy kung hindi mo kaya. Something Jean Rose would do. But don t they already know that we only have one face. And it ends there. PERIOD. I became the blacksheep three years ago when I accepted the scholarship in New Yo rk University. Sabi nila nagpapakatanga ako sa course ko: Fine Arts. Okay, fine w hile my sister is good with figures. Maybe I m just splitting hairs. Or maybe becau se I didn t want to be in my sister s shadow any more. And three years drew us apart. I gnawed at my lower lip. Sumakay ka na. Nagpatangay na lang ako ng bigla akong hi nila ng babae. Well, maybe I could get some facts about my twin s whereabouts. Jean Rose Sunico! I stopped dead in my tracks. I closed my eyes in frustration. The beast roar. As in, ROAR. And boy, I could feel my hands shaking. Not that I was caught red-han ded. Nagulat ako ng biglang hinawakan ako ng lalaki sa braso. My eyes grew wide when he cupped my face up. It was like Oh my God. Jean Rose I know I ve made a mistake. Pwede pa natin `yun tamain. Run away with me Napalunok ako, pero parang lalong natuyot ang lalamunan ko. For the first time I was very much speechless! Have I heard it wrong? Run away run away in tagalog tan an! Blessed Virgin Mary. Wala sa loob kong nasabi. Mrs. Jean Rose Sunico! I heard that one again. Oh no, please kung nanaginip man ako `wag mo po muna akong gisingin. Minsan lang naman akong pag-agawan ng ganito. A nd then one hand grabbed my other arm from the side. I slowly looked sideways an d saw the blatant anger in his eyes. Ay, I mean please wake me up. Let s go. Julian tried to tug my hand. Pero hawak hawak pa rin ako ng lalaki. Tell. Him. To. Go. Home. Julian deliberately whispered the words to me. Bulong. Pe ro rinig ko ang dagundong `non sa tenga ko. Bumaling ako sa lalaki. Naguluhan ak o bigla. His eyes were like challenging me to do just that. Ahmm . I opened my mouth to say his name. Then I realized I don t know the man s name! You cannot mean this Jean. You love me. I saw the emotions in his eyes. My heart went out to my sister and him. Ano ba t alaga ang nangyari? Lalo akong naguguluhan. Then I felt the emanating anger from the other side. Naramdaman ko ang pagdiin ng pagkakahawak ni Julian sa braso ko . There would surely be bruises later. Kutis-mayaman kaya ako. Julian I Hinila niya `ko bigla sa tabi niya. He encircled his arm around my waist i n a possessive manner. Siguro kung sa ibang pagkakataon baka kinilig pa `ko.

Leave my wife alone Brad. If you don t want to be sitting in jail. That was it. Please Brad. Leave Brad let s go Sabi dito ng babae. I sighed in relief when they walked away. Lumingon ulit ito. I ll come back for you Jean! Then the woman dragged him inside the car. Bago pa ako makapag-react ay hinawakan na ng mahigpit ni Julian ang mga braso ko . Julian you re hurting me! Halos kaladkarin niya na `ko papasok ng mansyon. Naiisip ko pa lang kung anong gagawin niya sa `kin ay nanlalamig na ang mga kamay ko. Pe ro teka, bakit naman siya magagalit? In the first place, he isn t in love with me! So bakit siya magagalit well, lalaki siya. And men s ego is sometimes bigger than their brains. We went upstairs while he was still holding my arm tightly. Bigla niya `kong ibi nalandra sa kama. Gigil na hinarap niya `ko. In the second place, damn him! hind i niya `ko totoong asawa at wala siyang karapatang gawin sa `kin `to. Get dressed. My eyes grew wide. Just like that? Julian what you saw earlier was how can I explain something I don t know? Hiniklas niya ang necktie sa sobrang galit. And boy, wasn t he handsome in his thr ee-piece suit, no. I couldn t term him just handsome. He was dangerously gorgeous. Si Julian `yung tipo ng lalaking hindi mo titilian, because he would surely int imidate you. Suplado naman! May K naman kasi siyang magsuplado. All my daydreams flew out of the window when he towered over me. He tilted my ch in up and looked me angrily in the eye. Honesty. That is all I asked of you. Hindi ko alam kung bakit bakit ganon `yung mga mata niya nung sinabi niya iyon. Na par a bang nasasaktan siya. Bakit? Had someone hurt him? Betrayed him? Minutes passed by. Honesty. Nanlamig ang mga kamay ko. Parang gusto kong lumubog sa pagkakaupo ko sa kama habang malapit na malapit ang mukha niya sa `kin. I wa s afraid he would see through the lies written in my eyes. After all, eyes were the windows of the soul. And I was living a lie after all. I felt tears threatening to erupt again. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Hindi naman a ko buntis pero nagiging iyakin na `ko. Hindi kaya dininig ako ni God? Diyos ko ` wag naman. Hindi ko ma-imagine ang sarili ko: blessed virgin Jeannette. Bigla nitong binitawan ang mukha ko. Women s ultimate weapon: Tears. He rolled his e yes in disgust. Inis na tinabig ko ang kamay niya. Nasira lang ang drama ko. I s lowly tried to catch my breath to stop from screaming at him. Lumakad na ito palabas. Julian As usual, he didn t turn around. He tilted his head to the other side in question. W-what if I still love Brad. And and we we both know that you don t want this marriage? Bakit hindi mo na ako pakawalan? I mean, si Jean Rose. Because I m sure she was a reluctant bride. Pero may reluctant bang namikot? He did turn around. And I just wished he didn t! Hindi ko alam kung paano pa nagig ing lalong singkit ang mga mata niya sa galit. His fists were clenched. I don t take to infidelity lightly, my dear wife. The corner of his mouth twisted in a mockin g smile. Parang mas lalo akong natakot doon. Lumabas ito. Then I heard the click on the other side of the door. NO! Mabilis akong tumakbo papunta sa pinto. Sh!t. Julian! Galit na pinihit pihit ko iy on. Naiiyak na napatingin ako doon. My hands turned into tight fists and started banging the door. Julian! Buksan mo `to! I m your dear wife! Julian ano ba! Open t his damned door! Surely he wasn t that kind of a monster? Napadausdos ako sa aubusson carpet at napa sandal sa pinto ng sa tingin ko ay hopeless case na talaga. Tinignan ko ang mala ki at magarang silid. Mula sa lamp shade hanggang sa china vase, that must have caused millions. Then I started really crying. I didn t ask for any of this. Kung ang iba ay humihiling na makapangasawa ng mayaman. Ako hindi. Kung ang iba sa ed ad ko ay humihiling ng prince charming. Ako hindi. Kaya t-a-n-g-a nga daw ako sa bi ng mga magulang ko. I never asked for a wonderful love story. I only wanted to establish myself on my

own as a famous artist. Kaya nga ba hindi ko naging idol si Rizal eh, kahit nga ba talentadong pinoy siya. I didn t want to be appreciated only after my death. G usto kong maging si Juan Luna. Si Amorsolo. At sa maniwala man kayo o hindi. Hindi ko pinangarap maging si Cinderella. I curled into a fetal position on the huge soft bed. Ano ba talagang nangyari sa kapatid ko? Why didn t I feel anything? Sabi nila may link ang mga kambal. Lumaya s lang ba talaga siya? Hindi niya mabilang kung isang oras na ata akong umiiyak. I hate you Julian Sunico! I hate you to the deepest part of the earth Sana binabangungot lang ako. And then I would wake up later and find myself in t he boarding house in New York. I fell into a deep slumber after exhausting mysel f from crying. I woke up late. As in, gabi na. I looked around me. Kinurot ko ang sarili ko. Ouc h. And I was still here. Parang naiiyak na naman ako. Hindi ko alam pero `pag upo ko ay dumulas ang kumot mula sa dibdib ko. I didn t remember covering myself I frowne d. I heard splashes of water from outside. Mabilis kong hinawi ang glass door pa tungong terrace. Bilog ang buwan. Sana sana pipikit pa lang ako ng mapansin kong may lumalangoy sa foot-shaped swimmin g pool. Dapat dapat bumalik na lang ako bigla sa kwarto ko. But the sight before me froze me on the ground. I saw his broad shoulders and arms flexed with his ev ery move. His muscled back was rippling with water as his stroke became faster. I sucked in my breath. Siguro y napagod na pumunta ito sa railing at umakyat. And b oy, my heart beat triple time. He was standing on the edge of the swimming pool clad with only his swimming sinfully black trunks. Julian is in every way sexy. I thought it was only termed with women. Isang napak alaking akala. Matangkad ito. Must have stood almost a foot taller than me. Oo, nakakahiya mang aminin 6 1 siya at 5 2 lang ako. 5 3 na nga sige na. At ah, may mga pand esal siya sa tyan. Anim He looked up then. Promise, alam ko nagblush talaga ako. Mabilis akong pumasok sa loob ng kwarto. T apos biglang bumukas `yung pinto. Hindi na naka-lock! Ma am pinapatawag daw po kayo ni sir. Sumabay na daw po kayong maghapunan sa kanya. Sige na Mag-isa siya! I smiled at her. Ma am siya nga po pala. Papanhikin daw po kayo ni sir kung hindi kayo bababa. Padabog na sumunod ako sa katulong. Alam ko, what Julian wants, Julian gets. I c onceded. I had no choice. Nasa teritoryo `ko ng kaaway. I gritted my teeth in an ger. Nasa harap na ako ng swimming pool. I wasn t entirely looking at him. Pero I s aw out of the corner of my left eye how strands of wet hair hang down the side o f his face. Manang pakilagay na po dyan `yung juice. Tumingin ako sa kabilang side. Dun sa hindi ako matetempt. Dun sa my eyes grew wi de. I didn t know where the German shepherd dog had come from. Mula sa likod nito ay lumabas si Mang Pio. `Yung katiwala din. Then the dog came running. Toward me. Paatras na ako ng paatras. I screamed when my foot stepped on nothing but water! I was in a deep end of the swimming pool. I screamed my way to the surface. I kn ow I must have shouted Julian s name. I didn t know. Then flashes of yesterday came through my mind. Please please don t let me die yet. I was gulping down a mouthful o f water. I was eight again. And Jean Rose caught my hand. She was crying and did n t want to let me go. Dahil sa `kin kaya nangyari `to. I tugged her along and sec retly took the boat to explore the lake. Nagbabakasyon kami noon sa lake house n g Aunt Lara namin. A hand grabbed my waist. Jean! Jean! A voice whispered in my ear. Jean! Nagmulat ako ng mga mata at umubo. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Julian was here! I t hrew my arms around his neck and clung to him. We were still in the middle of th e pool. Feeling ko, para itong kumunoy na kakainin ako ano mang oras. Julian please don t leave me I whispered frantically against his neck. He cupped my ch eek and looked at me for a very long time. I tasted the tears mingled with the c hlorine.

Ano bang nangyayari sa`yo? You re a swimmer. He said silently. I froze in his arms. Jean Rose overcame her fear by learning how to swim. And sh e was very good at it. She became a champion in swimming competitions while I nev er learned. Damn.

FOUR Jeannie! Kasi baka I looked back at her. Kung ayaw mo bahala ka! Natanggal ko na ang tali ng bangka. I smiled at myself and took my sketch pad with me. There were mermaids in the la ke. `Yan ang madalas na ipanakot sa `kin ni Aunt Lara. As if naman. Rubbish. Yep , I m ten but not entirely stupid. Pero kasi Jeannie baka Isasagwan ko na sana ang bangka ng tumuntong na din siya. Hindi kita pinilit ha. I ngos ko sa kanya. Jean Rose scowled at me and didn t say a word. Sa totoo lang Jea n was never the evil twin sister. Kung meron man well, wala pala. Syempre ako na lang `yung natitirang kapatid no. Seriously she had always been there for me. Jeannie nasan na tayo? Bakit parang palayo na tayo ng palayo? She bit her lower lip . Hindi ko siya pinansin. Anyway sino bang may sabing sumama siya? Jeannie ano ba! Ano? Inis kong sabi habang ginuguhit ang papalubog na sikat ng araw. I was amazed with its reflection on the water. Jeannie! Bumalik na tayo. Pagabi na. Mabilis nitong inagaw ang sagwan. Ayoko. Sa p ag-aagawan namin ay nahulog ang sketch pad ko. Tignan mo ginawa mo! Naiiyak na sab i ko habang lumulutang lutang ang mga papel. Gusto kong sakalin ang kapatid ko n g mga sandaling iyon. Naiiyak na pinilit kong abutin isa isa kahit basa na. Gume wang gewang ang bangka. Jean Rose screamed. Sa isang iglap ay tumagilid ang bang ka at sabay kaming bumagsak. We were both screaming flailing And it was all my fault. Sinimangutan ko siya. Sa katulad ni Julian na perfectionist malamang na kasalana n ang `di marunong lumangoy. At hindi ko kasalanan `yun! Siya kaya lunurin ko. I bit my lower lip when he looked at me closely. Alam mo `yun naiilang ako sa titi g niya. Na para bang titig na nagnanasa dududa. You re supposed to be a swimmer. He said that silently. Well, I am. I said airily. I was just shocked by your big dog. I rolled my eyes heave nward. You would be more shocked by my big Dog? Gusto ko sanang magbiro. Pero bigla niya `kong pinakawalan. My eyes grew wi de. Wala talaga siyang kunsiderasyon! `Pag namatay talaga ako. Siya ang unang un a kong mumultuhin. Ito ang taong kahit hindi bagong gising masamang biruin. Jul ian I wrapped my arms around his neck. Both of my thighs wrapped around his body on its own accord. As if he were my lifeline. Our eyes met. My breasts were flat tened against his hard chest. Para akong unggoy na nakabitin sa puno. And oh Lor d the tree was getting hard all over. As in over, overrrrr. Oh my God.

Julian was just staring back at me. As if hindi siya ang may kagagawan ng pinagk akaganito ko! As if it was a normal catastrophic event in my life! Bakit ba kasi I couldn t put my thighs down. I whispered stupidly with lack of anything to say. Prom ise, feeling ko nagkulay mansanas ako. Hindi ko nga alam kung dahil sa ano o dahi l sa init. Ng panahon. It was a matter of choosing between the devil and the deep blue sea. Why not? He said huskily. Goodness, that voice of his it was like he had just woken up from a night of debauchery. Ang tanong: sinong mananamantala at sinong pagsas amantalahan? Not I. Diyos ko, bata pa `ko. Bente uno lang po ako God para sa mga ganitong bagay. His hand caressed my cheek. I blinked thrice. My heart was beating triple time. His head came down down down. Siguro hindi naman magagalit si Jean Rose kung kahit isa lang. Isa lang. Just to satisfy my curiosity of what it feels like to be ki ssed No! He is still the father of Jean Rose s baby. From the start, wala akong kara patan. It was now or never. Jules I have something to tell you. The hell with the consequences. Nagsasalubong na naman `yung mga kilay nito. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa naudlot na o dahil sa alam niya na `yung sasabihin ko. Parang nanlamig ako bigla. Lalo a kong napayakap sa kanya. I licked my lower lip nervously. I couldn t look him in t he eye. Ano bang nangyayari sa `kin? I leaned my head in between his shoulder an d neck. My twin she s the swimmer. Siya `yung `yung magaling lumangoy. We uhm, experienced dr owning before. She overcame her fear by well, ako I never did learn. Jules I m sorr y. I m not supposed to be who I am now. I cried on his shoulder. Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng yakap niya sa `kin. Had he forgiven me? Hindi siya galit? You should have told me sooner. Inis na sabi nito. So he already knew! Bakit ba ni konting pag-aalala man lang wala ang lalaking ito? Wala ba talaga itong inisip kundi ang sarili? Inis na humarap siya dito. Ang mahalaga hindi siya nagalit Jea nnie! I tried telling you Ikaw ang Hindi maganda ang panloloko Jean. Kung ginawa mo `yun just to get the fame you wa nted then you don t deserve it. Ganyan ka ba talaga? Kung anong gusto mo `yun ang nakukuha mo? Without caring about others feelings? Ano kaya nararamdaman ng kapat id mo? Siya ang gumawa ikaw ang umaako? I should have said Hallelujah. Naglakad ito kasama ako. Siguro kung hindi lang masamang pumatay ng tao, o kaya ay wala lang ang mga katulong doon ay baka nilunod na `ko ni Julian. He was so m ad at me. Then it dawned on me. Siya ang gumawa ikaw ang umaako? You big stupid moron! Tama ito. Si Jean Rose ang gumawa ako ang umaako! He had it all wrong. Akala niya pinagko-compete ko ang kakambal ko tapos tapos ako kunwari ang nananalo? My God. Grabe ang mood swings ng lalaking ito. At ang gentleman ba sta na lang akong ibinagsak sa marble floor sa gilid ng pool. Yeah you re right! Siya ang gumawa ako ang umako ng mga Sir telephone po mommy niyo. Galit na hinablot nito ang telephone habang pinupunasan ang sarili. Bastos talag a. Giniginaw na `ko pero isang towel lang ang nakita ko. Hawak pa niya. Ang mani pis na suot ko kanina ay halos kita na dahil nga basa na din. At ni hindi man la ng nahiyang ipahiram man lang sa `kin. I winced when I heard him curse. Tumayo ka at magbihis ka may pupuntahan tayo. At ang utos ng hari hindi mababali. I opened my mouth to shout at him. Two days of being married to Julian Sunico was like hell! And it felt like a lifetime sin ce I said I do . Kelan ba matatapos ito? Tumingin ako sa harap ng salamin. I wore a n off-shouldered cream tailored dress. My creamy white shoulders were very much visible. Hindi iyon lalagpas ng mid-thigh ko. Ginamit ko lang ito once sa exhibi t ng kakilala ko. Thank God for the two-inch stilettos. He didn t even comment about my appearance. So what was the use of telling him how gorgeous he is? I just shut my mouth up. Nagsasawa na `ko sa pagtatalo namin ni Julian. Mag-aangilan lang kami. Susumbatan niya lang ako. Lelecturan ng walang

katapusan about honesty and virtues. Na para bang mayroon siya! Julian opened the door for me. Na-amaze ako, for the first time Julian knew how to act the gentleman. We went inside the grand hotel. Hinila niya ako. I gritted my teeth in frustration. Hila dito, hila doon. Pudpod na stilettos ko. Hanggang sa makarating kami sa patutunguhan namin. Hello Julian, it s nice to see you again son. My eyes grew wide. The man was just an older version of Julian. I smiled. Na-iim agine ko na `pagtumanda ito. With his chinky eyes, straight nose Ouch. Baka nakakalimutan mo ako pa rin ang nanay ng anak mo. Mahina pero gigil kon g paalala. His eyes sent me a warning message. Ano pa nga ba. Act the very lovin g wife. Hello sir, I m glad to finally meet you. Bakit wala po kayo nung kasal namin ni Jul ian? We would have been happy kung nandon kayo. I apologize hija, your husband here didn t send me an invitation card. Invitation? Ang weird. I looked at Julian then. He was tense. Kailan pa kinailanga n ng tatay ng imbitasyon sa kasal ng anak niya? What do you want? Julian said coolly to his father. Julian! Nagulat talaga ako. Magtatay ba talaga ang mga ito? Umupo kami in silence at saka ko lang napansin ang babaeng kasama ni Mr. Sunico. She was in her early thirties and very much beautiful. She looked somewhat familiar. I smiled at her politely. I just want to see my son, is that bad? He said. Say hello to your tita Doris. Your flavor of the month? Julian! Excuse my husband. He s Biglang pinisil nito ang kamay ko. Galit na tinitigan niya ako. I glared at him. Julian sighed and looked bored. Halos ako at ang papa niya lang ang nag-uusap. I t felt so awkward. There was something wrong here. Normal naman sa mga produkto ng broken marriages ang ganitong ugali ni Julian. But his pain ran deep. How s your mom? Ayun, masaya na si mommy sa buhay niya. And I m happy for her coz she s not waiting an ymore for someone who hasn t seen her worth. I loved your mother. Julian started laughing humorlessly. Na parang demonyo. Nakita kong parang aatak ihin sa puso ang papa nito. You loved her? Cut the crap, dad. When did you know t he meaning of love? Jumping off from bed to bed while you know someone s waiting f or you? Pareho silang tumayo. Their fists were both clenched. Julian please I grabbed his a rm. Sorry sir, marami pa pala kaming gagawin. Nice nice to see you. Mabilis kong hinila si Julian. Tahimik lang ito. Ayokong magsalita. Anong sasabi hin ko Julian, okay lang `yun okay lang na niloko ng papa mo ang mama mo past is p ast. Eh di baka ihulog na `ko ng tuluyan ni Julian palabas. Julian ano ba! Napasigaw ako ng pinaharurot niya ang Porsche niya. Halos lumangitn git iyon. Nakikpagkarerahan ba ito kay Kamatayan? Napakapit ako sa dashboard. Bi glang may sumulpot na malaking truck sa harapan naming. My heart went overdrive. God please! Virgin pa `ko. Ayoko pang mamatay! Parang naiiyak na `ko ng sumadsad ang sasakyan sa gilid ng iliko ni Julian ang s teering wheel. I felt the impact of what almost happened to us. Julian?! I frantic ally searched his face for wounds. None. Pero bigla niyang tinabig ang kamay ko. I was shocked. Leave me alone! He shouted. No. Shock was the understatement of the century. Tears were starting to form in my eyes. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko na bumaba ako ng sasakyan. I was numb. Naglalakad ako sa gilid ng kalsada na wala sa sarili. Ni hindi na ko magtataka kung kukulutkulutin ko na ang buhok ko mamaya. Ano bang ginawa ko par a parusahan ni God? Ang tanga tanga ko ano bang akala ko sa sarili ko? Na ako sa darna? I can t save everybody. Tao lang ako. Jean Rose Sunico! I didn t stop. Tears were streaming down the side of my face. Gusto kong sumigaw a

t magwala sa gitna ng kalsada. Gusto kong sabihing, shut up! I m not Jean! Sinong g ustong humamon sa `kin? Mrs. Sunico! He roared. At biglang may kamay na humawak sa braso ko upang iharap a ko. In a split second the beast hugged me! Fiercely. Then I started wetting his shirt. I sobbed louder. I don t believe in love Mrs. Sunico. But I believe in the sanctity of marriage. You r e bound to me forever. My eyes got misty all the more. I can t Julian. Then the phone started ringing. Hello? His face suddenly changed... tenderly. Or was it my imagination? Tricia? Who s Tricia?

FIVE Sabi nila best things in life are free . True. Pero minsan nga kung ano pa `yung li bre siya pang mahirap kunin. Like happiness. Why is it so elusive? Maybe because we cannot have everything we wanted. Life s not perfect. Kaya nga hindi ako nanin iwala sa sinabi ni Kim Chui na habulin mo happiness mo! Eh di kung ganon lang ka dali iyon, sana wala ako dito. Julian would have been with another. Tricia. Inihagis ni Julian ang coat sa couch at dumiretso sa mini bar. He poured himself a glass of brandy and downed it in one swallow. Hindi ako bulag o bingi. I know deep down the call had something to do with his sudden withdrawal. Not that I f elt anything well, maybe it was just guilt eating at me. Julian s-sino `yung tumawag? Ano bang pakialam mo Jeannie? I was just curious. `Yun lang. Not that I care. Kulang na lang sabihin niya sa mukha kong wala kang pakialam . Well, wala naman tal aga. Wala nga ba Jeannie? Hindi naman siguro pinagbabawal ng batas ang pagtatano ng. I sighed exaggeratedly. He just shrugged. I should have known. I sighed again when he didn t even bother to respond. Ayun, tinalikuran pa `ko. Will you please give me peace even just for tonight? Mahina nitong sabi. His back w as turned to me. Ang boses nito. Parang pagod na pagod. Parang nasasaktan. That T ricia must have been special for him to be like this. Then he d tell me that he di dn t believe in love? Bull. Marami talagang mga sinungaling sa mundo. Is she special? Julian I jumped in surprise. I wonder, kung bakit hindi ako nabingi sa pagbagsak ng decanter at pagkalabog ng pinto. Ang bastos talaga. Mabilis kong sinundan si Ju lian sa study room niya. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko, bakit ako mag-aalala sa isang taong ni wala man lang pakialam sa `kin? But I do. Julian aren t you going to bed yet? A slow sexy smile twitched on the corner of his mouth. Are you inviting me to bed Jean? Ang boses niya ah parang nang-aakit. He should have been a DJ. I shook the cobwebs in my head. Me meron ako. Napalunok ako habang papalapit siya ng papalapit. He wasn t drunk yet! Was he? Don t pull my leg Jean Do you think I m stupid? You lied to me. Again. So he knew all a long! Bigla itong tumawa. Tawang demonyo. His eyes were squinted in anger. Palap it ito ng palapit. My back hit the wall. His eyes. He had fox-like eyes. Na para ng gagawin akong panghapunan. Okay lang sana kung desert eh, no he wanted to eat me alive. Dahil sa galit. Silence. Julian I just want to hel Help? That s bullsh!t. He started laughing mockingly. Since I want honesty between us . Yes. She s my girlfriend of two years. We are about to get married. And thanks t o you it won t happen anymore He looked bored and predatory. His shirt was loosened. Wala na ang necktie nito.

So sinisisi niya `ko? Ang kapatid ko. Parang biglang umakyat lahat ng dugo ko sa ulo. Julian anong ginawa mo nung pinikot kita? He stared at me. Really stared at me like I d grown two heads and a horn. What s your excuse? Dahil lalaki ka? Dahil mahina ka? And oh, you couldn t resist my charm. I was drunk. He whispered angrily. Ikaw? What s your excuse? Having the Sunico name? You prostituted yourself to me! And ruined our future! Ginamit mo lang ako Jean! Ginamit mo lang. My eyes grew wide. Naglalabasan na ang ugat sa leeg nito. Then he raised his cle nched fist in the air. My breath got hitched. I closed my eyes with a prayer. Sa saktan ba talaga `ko ni Julian? Would he resort to that? Parang gusto kong umiya k. I was quite numb . hinihintay kong dumapo sa `kin ang mga kamay niya. Then he hit the wall. Sa gilid ng ulo ko. Parang kasabay nun ang pagbagal at pag lakas ng tibok ng puso ko. Once. Twice. Thrice. Para `kong naparalyze na nakatitig lang sa sa mukha niya. It was full of hatred and remorse. Dahan dahan kong nakitang umaagos ang dugo sa kamay ni Julian. His knuckles were scraped because of the impact. Dahil ba kay Tricia? Parang bigla a kong na-possess. I felt so hurt. Hindi lang siya ang nasakal. You were drunk Julian? So how do you think did I do it? Hindi ka ba nag-participa te nung ginawa natin `yun! Anong ginawa mo? Humiga ka lang and let me do all the dirty work? I wanted to shake some sense into him. Kung sa bagay, bakit nga naman hindi? Eh ako naman itong mamimikot `di ba? It was dark. I thought you were He said stonily. Tricia? Gusto kong isigaw `yun. Hindi ako nagagalit. I was just mad on my twin s ister s behalf. Hindi ako pwedeng magalit. No. No. And very much no! Ang mahirap kasi sa mga lalaki, kapag babae ang nakagawa ng kasalanan para kang nakamatay. Pero `pag sila lalaki lang sila eh, natempt lang. Bakit lalaki lang ba ang mga tao? I slammed the door as I walked out of there. At alam ko, hindi man ako ang pinakamatalinong tao sa mundo. Jean Rose wouldn t do this without a valid reason. Love? Letseng love `yan. Gusto kong magpakamatay. Three weeks. It had been three weeks since then. Hindi ko makuhang dalawin sina Mommy. Siguro dahil nagtatampo pa rin ako. Sino bang hindi? Para `kong tuta na basta na lang pinamigay. Masyado ba talaga `kong generic? Napagpapalit palit? I had never been lonelier than this. Hindi ko kailangang maging si Madam Auring para ma-vibrate kong iniiwasan ako ni Julian. He didn t want to see me. Pwes, the feeling was mutual. Gigising ako sa umaga. Wala na siya. Matutulog ako sa gabi. Wala pa siya. He was always in his study room. Parang boarder nga lang ako dito sa mansyon niya. I s hould be thankful. Dahil hindi na niya ipipilit ang marital rights niya. Bakit hindi na lang kami magpa-annul? Sila pala ni Jean? Kung ganito lang din na man Oo nga pala. He was bound by the Sunico tradition. Yep. Salamat sa pagiging tsis mosa no, pagiging mapagobserba ko ay narinig kong sinabi ng mommy niya na there sho uld be no broken marriages . It was a sin in the Sunico commandment. But there s always an exception to the rule. Julian s family. Mabilis akong pumunta sa study room. I knocked. Julian? No response. Julian? Walang tao. I was about to go out when Julian s medals caught my attention. Champion siya 1st pl ace in a swimming competition? I gasped. Soccer. Rugby. Ano pa bang alam nito? O ma s tamang sabihing ano pa ba ang hindi nito alam? He graduated business ad. in the states. Wow. So Mr. Almost Perfect had the right to be Mr. Arrogant, eh? It was too good to be true. Akala ko walang taong ganito. Pero mali ako. Minsan nga naiisip ko, hindi naman sa kinukwestiyon ko si God. May class A at class B.

Pero bakit kaya may mga taong sinalo ang lahat? Katulad na lang ni Georgina Wils on, `yung tipong pati hanggang dulo ng kuko kaiinggitan mo. They have it all. Ma yaman, kagandahan, kasikatan. Samantalang may mga pinagkaitan hirap na nga, hirap pang iharap ang mukha. Seriously, where s the fairness of life in it? And Julian was one of the Class A. Mga sakim. Sinalo lahat. Then I saw a smiling picture of him. Parang gusto kong matunaw sa ngiting `yun. And my, the bod. Yummy. I rolled my eyes. Here, he won first place in a swimming competition. Then I moved on to the next picture. A ten or so Julian, with his uncle? Hindi ko kilala ang lalaki. They have the same smile though. At ang mga n ext pictures ay kasama nitong nagpi-fishing ang lalaki. Then another with Julian s mom. Para silang buong pamilya. Nasan ang dad dito ni Julian? No. He wasn t perfect. He had a broken home. Tahimik na pumunta ako sa desk niya tinignan ang picture don. My eyes grew wide. Tricia?... Tricia Leyva? I competed with her once in a painting competition in New York. The picture of a loving couple. Stolen shot. Kissing. Very much happy. I felt cold. `Didn t know if it was because I knew her. Or the kiss. Then I saw an envelope written with a Leviste on it. Another surprise God? Paran g napapansin ko na you never ran out of surprises for me? And I didn t like it for one sec. I opened it. Oh my God. A notice of foreclosure from the bank. Binayaran ni Julian ang bahay na min. Binayaran niya ang bahay namin. Para `kong sirang plaka na napaupo. Nakatula la ako sa mismong picture ng dalawa. Jean did it because she was always the good daughter. I started crying. Not beca use our parents forced her to do it. Alam ko. May issue man ako sa parents ko, h indi ito soap opera. At hindi sila ganon kasama. They still loved me. So sinong dapat sisihin? Feeling ko napakaselfish ko. I was in New York trying to make out on my own. Trying to be different from my sister All the while they were making both ends meet. What the hell are you doing here? I felt weak. Cheap. He bought Jean me. Yeah. He was right. Jean I prostituted hersel f for a one and a half million.

SIX Ni hindi ko siya tinignan. I just walked past him and got out. Tumigil lang ako ng maisara ko ang pintuan at sumandal doon. I just wanted to get away from here. Naso-suffocate na `ko. Minsan kahit anong pilit mong ngumiti, lalo lang sumasak it. I don t want to hate Julian. I don t want.Pero kapag nasasaktan ang isang tao, lumil ipad sa bintana lahat ng logic . Ang isip ko sinasabing hindi ako dapat magalit sa kanya. Ang puso ko? And don t ask me why. Hindi ko din alam! I dressed quickly upstairs and took my handbag. At least CM would make me happy. Kanino ka pa ba tutungo `pag may problema? `Di syempre sa bestfriend mo. I hail ed a cab. Sabi niya `wag ko na siyang sunduin. Eh, may magagawa pa ba siya kung nandun na `ko? I was immersed into deep thoughts. Tumigil ang taxi nung umilaw ang stoplight. I frowned when I saw a woman crossing the street. Wala sa loob na sinundan ko siy a ng tingin. Maganda. Hmmm Then my eyes grew wide. She turned to the lane toward the side of the taxi. Of course, maganda kilalang kilala ko ang mukha na `yun. Ho w could I not? I was looking straight into my own face. No. Jean s face! Jean! I half shouted. Bubuksan ko pa lang ang handle ng umandar na si manong. Manong stop! Napakamot ito sa ulo. Pero hindi na kami makatigil kasi may MMDA dun. Napasabunot ako sa buhok ko. Gusto kong magtitili. Napatingin sa `kin si Manong.

Hindi na `ko magtataka kung akalain niyang may baliw na sumakay sa kanya. Nagba yad ako at mabilis na bumaba. I waited for CM s arrival. CM! Lakad pa lang niya alam ko na. Jeannie? One brow arched. Agaw eksena kami ng niyakap niya `ko. Kala mo naman hind i nagkita ng isang taon. Eh, isang buwan lang naman. Pinisil pisil ko `yung bic eps niya. Inakbayan niya `ko at pumunta kami sa pinakamalapit na Italian Restaurant. Nataw a pa nga ako ng sundan server `yung tingin sa min kay CM. Kung alam lang niya. So what happened? I pouted. Lahat-lahat ata ng sama ng loob ko kay Julian sinabi ko sa kanya. Pini sil niya ang kamay ko. Too sweet, I could melt. SANA. What if he found out the truth? That you re not pregnant? He wolfed down the pasta e nthusiastically. I sighed. I bet he s going to plot murder against me. Alam mo `yun g mga ginagawa ng mga mayayaman na pinapasalvage `yung first wife nila. Grabe, an g morbid. I shivered suddenly. Hindi gagawin ni Julian `yun. Anong alam mo? You haven t known him that long. Kung pwede nga lang maghimala ako at magbuntis. Bakit hindi? Bale-walang sabi nito. Yeah, some advice. Then I stared at his cute f ace. Ahm well, CM could help? God. Mas morbid `yun. Tapos napatingin siya sa `kin . Oh, no, no, no, Jeannie. What? I said innocently. Hindi kita type no. Ang bilis talaga ng radar nito. Nagpalumbaba ako at ikinuwento lahat. From the b eginning `till the bitter end. Wow, bestfriend we could make it a story, you know . Ang hudas pumalakpak pa. Ano `to soap opera? Salamat sa awa ha. Jean? We both turned at the voice. BRAD? Brad s face was polite. Pero nakikita ko ang isandaan at isang tanong. CM raised o ne brow at me. Brad this is CM. M-my b-bestfriend in New York. CM? Sa tatlong taon na nakilala kita You haven t mentioned him. Tumingin ako kay CM. Parang gusto ko siyang batukan. Nakangiti pa. Kay Brad! Ah ah b-bestfriend siya ni ni Jeannie! How odd I refer someone as myself. Ayan pati a ko naguluhan na din talaga. Umupo ito sa tapat ni CM. Katabi ko. Tapos biglang t umunog `yung cellphone nito at nag-excuse. Tumalikod. He s he s Jean s ex.I mouthed. Para kaming sira na nagsasign language. Nag-X sign pa ako n parang si April boy. CM rolled his eyes. He s yummy. He mouthed. At gigil na kumaga t labi pa ito. Yuck. Yes. Si CM ay isang nagbabalatkayong tao este lalaki. Sa likod ng mga fats niya ay 24/7 tumitibok ang pusong laan para kay Adan. In short, siya ay paminta, halaman g dagat, at si Zsa Zsa Zaturna. I think I have to go. Hindi ka pa ba uuwi Jean? Nag-aalalang sabi ni Brad. I saw t enderness in his eyes. Ihahatid na kita. Ako din uuwi na. CM smiled up at Brad. Gross. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata. Hindi ikaw ang tinatanong! `Di ba Jeanni I sent him a warning glance. Isa pa kakatayin ko na talaga `tong si CM. He had t he biggest mouth ever. Masyado kasing napraktis. Brad frowned. Ah oo. Hinawakan niy a ang siko ko ng tumayo ako. Goodness, I would really melt. Kung ganito lang san a si Julian. Then pigs would surely fly. Hinatid namin si CM sa bahay nito sa Alabang. At binaba ako ni Brad sa mansyon. Baba na lang ako ng hawakan niya `ko sa braso. His face was an inch or two away from me. Parang bigla kong nalunok `yung laway ko. Goodness, bakit ba umuulan ng mga lalaki sa buhay ni Jean? Jean why did you do that to me? Anong sasabihin ko? Kelangan ba pag-naguusap ganito pa kalapit? You ve known him for only three to four months. He whispered achingly. Ako? You ve know n me for three years! I thought you love me? Parang nagbago ka na. Three to four months? I bit my lower lip. Kaya pala kaya pala parang hindi man la

ng nagtataka si Julian. He couldn t and wouldn t tell Jean and me apart. Dahil hindi niya talaga kilala si Jean! Hindi ako ang nagbago Winner! Pwede na `kong manalo sa FAMAS. Ang sitwasyon lang natin ang nagbago Brad. Jean annul your marriage. Be with me. Anyone would want Brad for herself. Me included. Sino bang may ayaw ng lalaking ganito magmahal? One in a million siya. Jean must be very lucky. Hindi rin dahil wala pang happy ending. Tinanggal ko ang kamay niya sa braso ko. I wanted to make a way for my sister an d him. How? Buntis na si Jean kay Julian. Then I gasped. O buntis nga ba? Had sh e just said it to blackmail Julian? I hadn t seen Julian when I got home. Ganon naman eh, mas gusto niyang kasama `yun g mga libro, computer at alak niya. I felt exhausted and slept early. Later in t he wee hours of midnight, naramdaman kong parang may pumasok sa kwarto. Then som eone was shaking my shoulder. Tinakpan ko ng unan ang ulo ko at hinampas kung si no man `yung bastos na `yun. Jean. Jean! What! Natutulog `yung tao eh. Magbihis ka may pupuntahan tayo. Nawala lahat ng antok ko. He grabbed my shoulders and made me stand up. My God Ju lian, are you out of your mind? It s one in the morning! Kung gusto mo ikaw na lan g mag-isa. Galit na ibabagsak ko ulit ang katawan ko sa kama ng buhatin niya ko. I screamed. Julian no! Binuksan niya ang shower at itinapat ako sa ilalim ng napak alamig na tubig. Oh my God. Oh my God. Ang ginaw talaga. Niyakap ko siya ng mahigp it. Maliligo tayo ng sabay? Nakataas ang isang kilay nito. I heard the amusement in hi s voice. No! Mabilis akong bumitiw sa kanya kahit pa ma-hypothermia na `ko. Bilisan mo. `Yun lang. He walked on. Julian? He didn t turn around. Please call me Jeannie. It s it s my nickname. I whispered softly. At least, in that I didn t lie. He chuckled. Nicknames are supposed to shorten one s name. Tapos lumabas na ito. Wha t did he mean by that? Pinaikli naman talaga ah, from Jeannette to Jeannie Oh Jean was always just Jean. Por Diyos, Por Santo! Ala-una ng madaling araw. Ano `to napagtripan lang basta n i Julian na magtour kami sa Korea?! I bit my lower lip. Hindi ako mapakali lalo. Nakatulog ako habang byahe kaya nabigla na lang ako ng nasa NAIA na kami. In my panic-driven state, I called CM. Hello? Carlo Miguel Jr.! Jeannie? Oh my God kung tsismis lang `yan ipagpabukas mo na. May jetlag pa `ko. CM !!! The line went dead. Grabe, na-touched ako sa bestfriend ko. Binabaan ako ng p hone! I tried and tried again. Again. Again. I thanked God he didn t unplugged the socket. CM! We re going to Korea! So? Pati ba naman bestfriend ko nahawahan ng pagiging insensitive ni Julian? Help m e! Jeannie hindi ako si Darna. Anong gagawin ko harangin `yung eroplano? Pasabugin `y ung airport? Anong gagawin ko? We re going to fly to Korea! As in, now! Julian frowned at me. Lum ayo ako lalo. Inhale, exhale. Hindi naman siguro babagsak `yung eroplano no. At ipinarinig pa sa `kin ang malakas na paghikab niya. Hindi naman ako manhid. Kulang na lang sabih in niyang hang up na. CM I can t meet the whole Sunico clan. Relax take a deep breath. Punta ka sa asawa mo. Tapos?

Yakapin mo at saka mo ikiss. Torrid. CM! I then gaped at Julian. And he was also staring at me! Feeling ko nagkulay man sanas ako. Kung narinig niya lang ang sinabi ni CM. Eh `di `wag, French kiss na lang. Kung alam ko lang na B. I. ka Hindi ko napigilang hindi matawa. Matagal na Jeannie. `Sus, kung alam ko lang natetempt ka na ding gawin. Hmm. Parang nga. I swallowed. Julian was sitting handsomely in his Lacoste polo shirt and Levi s jeans. Damn sexy men. Kahit papano gumaan ang pakiramdam ko ng ti nawagan ko si CM. I knew he just wanted to make the ordeal light for me. Umupo ako sa tabi ni Julian. He looked bored. He wore that devil-may-care expres sion on him. As if he owned the world. Gawin ko kaya? Ano kayang magiging reacti on ni Julian? You already met my family when they d come home. Siguro kung wala lang sakit si Angk o His tone changed. Malungkot. Sino si Angko? You ve met him. The family dinner before the wedding, remember? You and Tantan hit it off. He shrugged then looked at me knowingly. Sino si Tantan? My mind was scre aming. Gusto ko ng lumabas ng airport at sumigaw ng kidnapping. My hands trembled. Tumaas ang kilay nito. I didn t want him to be suspicious. Oh G od, no. I tried to smile. Pero parang ayaw makisama ng mga muscles ko. I bit my lower lip. Natatakot na talaga ako. What if they found out? I couldn t act as Jean ! In Korea! With Julian s estranged family! I was quite surprised when I felt a big hand hovered over my own. Then it fitted the spaces between my fingers. Unti-unting tumaas ang ulo ko. He wasn t looking a t me. But then I felt him. He was there with me.

SEVEN I didn t know a thing about Korea much less Julian s Korean family. As in. Para akon g pinasugod ng mga magulang ko sa giyera ng wala man lang dalang armas. Habang n asa loob kami ng eroplano ay gusto ko ng tumalon palabas ng bintana. Oh my, argh , I already and suddenly missed Philippines! As if What would I do? What should I do? Julian just slept like the dead. Habang hawak niya ng mahigpit ang kamay ko sa l ap ko mismo. Mahigpit. Sa sobrang higpit iisipin kong ayaw niya `kong pakawalan. It should warm my heart. But panic was overwhelming me. Julian I don t think this is a good idea. I whispered when I saw his one good eye fli ckered. He raised one brow at me. As if telling me to keep my thoughts to myself. Julian What? He snapped at me! Sabi ko na nga ba masamang biruin ang bagong gising eh. I gave him my most charming smile. Tinignan niya `ko. In disgust. Grabe, padarag n a tinanggal ko `yung kamay niya sa pagkakahawak ng kamay ko. Pero lalo lang niya ng hinigpitan. Then he sighed exaggeratedly. I pouted my lips. Bakit ba umaasa pa `kong magbabago siya? The stewardess smiled at us specifically at Julian. At sa pagkagulat ko, Julian sm iled charmingly at her! The devil really could smile Tapos sa `kin pinagdadamot n iya `yun. Inis na tinanggal ko ang kamay ko sa pagkakahawak niya. He raised one brow at me. Inirapan ko siya at umisod pakabila. Na para bang may space akong mauusugan. I know I was acting childish. Wala naman siyang pakialam `

di `ba? There s nothing to be jealous of I gasped. Excuse me? Mali ba `ko ng rinig? You re my wife. Sa `yo lang ako Biglang napatingin ako sa kanya. Dapat matuwa ako sa sinabi niya. But I saw amusement written all over his face. Like hell, he didn t r eally mean it. Mayamaya sumeryoso siya. What amazed me next was when he cupped m y face. Para `kong naparalyze. Tapos bumaba `yung kamay niya sa leeg ko. Then down to my Oh my I whispered. My tummy. Bakit niya hinahawakan tummy ko? I tensed. I sucked in the air unconsc iously. Seriously, hindi ko alam kung ako lang ang nakakaramdam non pero parang m ay kuryente. Ganon ba talaga? Normal ba talaga `yun? O ako lang `yung abnormal? I m already excited to see our baby. He said softly. He was too gentle. Na para bang hindi siya `yung Julian na lagi akong sinisigawan. `Yung Julian na walang pakia lam sa `kin. At lalong `yung Julian na nilockan ako ng pinto. What do you want? Girl boy? Hmm His chinito eyes squinted all the more. Na para bang iniisip niya talagang maig i. Anything basta healthy. Tapos hinamas niya ulit `yung tyan ko. Buti wala akong b ilbil. I felt warmth in the simple gesture. Then he looked at me straight in the eye. I could drown in those brown eyes. Ako din Wala sa loob na bulong ko. Ano nga kaya ang magiging itsura ng baby namin n i Julian? Kamuka din kaya ni Julian? His eyes, my lips, his one left dimple, my nose. Tapos tapos Oh God. Don t look at me like that I might fall! When we get back, we ll see an OB. We ll see an Napalunok ako. Julian stared at me. At tinitignan ang reaksyon ko. I for got all about the make-believe baby! Parang gusto kong lumubos sa kinauupuan ko habang himas himas niya ang tiyan kong wala naman talagang laman kundi puro inte stines. Masama bang ma-carried away? I tried to crack a smile. I just hoped it wasn t seen as a grimace. Mayamaya lang tulog na ulit si Julian. He must have been very tired because of w ork. Hindi rin naman madali na maging Vice President ng isang malaking kumpanya at the age of 27. Ginising ko siya ng palapag na kami. We went out of the intern ational airport hand in hand. Sana laging ganito si Julian Well, I giggled. Ano nga kayang nakain nito? He gave me a coat. Malamig. Ba t `di na lang kaya niya `ko yakapin? Now I was sounding very much like CM. Palabas na kami ng may naghihintay na sasakyan. The land was very foreign to me. Bumalik na naman bigla `yung takot ko. Binitiwan niya `ko ng kinuha niya `yung mga bag namin. Ayoko sana, ayoko pa. Napataas `yung kilay ko. Hindi niya `ko pin agbitbit ng gamit ko! Ang bait ah, gusto ko ng maniwala. We both stopped when we saw a woman standing in the middle of the parking lot waiting for us. Nakita kong natigilan si Julian. They both stared at each other. Na para bang wala ako dun! I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes. I DON T CARE. Tricia was still as sophisticated as I remembered. Feeling ko nga, para akong na sa drama. And I was meeting the other woman. Oh no, ako pala `yung kontrabida. G usto kong sumigaw kay Julian at sabihing hello! I m here! I glared at his back. `Pagkatapos niya `kong sabihang Sa`yo lang ako Lumapit sa `kin `yung sa tantiya `ko ay steward nila. He didn t speak English. Tin uro niya sa`kin ang kotse at kinuha `yung nag-iisang clutch bag na dala ko. Naka tayo pa rin ako dun. Para akong t-a-n-g-a na naghihintay ng himalang mapansin ni la. Then they were speaking softly. In another language. Then Julian replied quietly. Tenderly. Inis na nilagpasan ko sila. Deadma. Ganon ba talaga ang epekto ni Tricia kay Jul ian? Had he loved her that much to forget about me? Well, the hell I care. Kahit magtitigan sila buong maghapon. Sana lang pareho silang magka-sore eyes. Or bet ter yet, mag-freeze sa ginaw. Galit na inunahan ko na ng bukas ng pinto bago ang steward. Wala akong pakialam kung masira man ang handle non. Marami naman siyang pambili `di ba? Binalibag ko pasara ang pinto. It seemed to take an eternity. Magdurugo na ata ang lower lip ko sa sobrang kaga

t. Ganito ako kapag natetense o naiinip. Tumingin ako sa kanila. My eyes grew wi de, Julian was already embracing her! And she was crying. Tumalikod lang ako saglit, at hayun ang magaling na lalaki. May kayakap ng iba! Gigil na kinuha ko sa bag ang cellphone na pinakuha ko sa isa sa mga maids ni Ju lian mula sa bahay naming nung isang araw. I dialed his number. Tinitigan kong m aigi ng kumalas siya mula kay Tricia. Then he looked at me through the tinted wi ndow sill. He frowned. Mabilis kong iniiwas ang mga mata ko. Na para bang nakikita niya `ko. Kung hindi ko pa alam na tinted ang sasakyan. When the car door opened, Tricia got in. Jeannie? As if naman nagulat ka! I smiled at her mockingly. At pasimpleng umirap. I didn t know She whispered wonderingly. Lumapit si Julian. You didn t tell me about Jea nie. You knew each other? I groaned inwardly. No. Yes. Nag-duet kami ni Tricia. Pareho kaming nagkatinginan. Julian raised one brow at us. I I Jeannie I met her in New York. My eyes grew wide. Ah no, you were talking about Jean! Yes, Jean! I laughed nervous ly. Lalo na ng titigan akong maigi ni Julian. As if he could see through my lies . I couldn t be mistaken, honey she was Jeannie. We re not friends but we have been Hindi ko alam kung saan uminit ang ulo ko: sa endearment ni Tricia o dahil hindi ko lang talaga siya feel. So are you telling me that I m a scheming b!tch? Hell, I didn t care if I sounded like one. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko. Yes. I m a slut in the making. Tricia gaspe d. I felt a twinge of guilt. Pero twinge lang. Julian glared at me. That wasn t what I intended. Tricia had always been soft-spoken. Had the circumstanc es been different we could have been friends. Could have been. Pero layuan niya muna ako, sa mood ko ngayon hindi ko feel maging chummy-chummy sa kanya. Baka pa gbuhulin ko pa sila ni Julian. Julian sat in front. Kami naman ni Tricia sa backseat. Nakita kong nagkakatingin an sila sa rearview mirror sa harapan. I didn t know why I felt hurt. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko. Pagod ako. Pagod ka Jeannie. Itulog mo na lang `yan. In the deepest part of me I felt alone. I hated Julian. I hated this feeling. Na parang torture. Para akong sinasakal. Bakit ganito? Ayoko ng makita si Julian, si Tricia. Gusto ko ng umuwi. Naalimpungatan ako. Wake up we re here. `Yun lang. Julian got out and took our luggag e. Tapos inalalayan niya si Tricia. Madapa ka sana. What did you say? Tricia turned at me. Ha? Had I said my thoughts aloud? Umiwas ako ng tingin kay Julian. Sh!t. Narinig niya `ko. So? Hindi ko pinansin a ng kamay niyang nakalahad. If I were a scheming b!tch then he s the biggest hypocr ite ever. Kung alam ko lang, he was wishing me to the moon. Imo Jean! Nabigla ako ng may batang lalaking biglang tumakbo at yumakap sa `kin. Napatingi n sa `kin si Tricia at Julian. Then I saw the others looking at us from inside t he big yard. Mas malaking mansyon. Victorian style in Korea? Hmm. Some look Kore an, others were Filipinos. Imo Jean h-hold me! Para akong mahihimatay. Ang matatabang mga braso nito ay tumaas . Nagpapabuhat! Oh, my God. I forgot, Jean Rose was fond of kids. At ako ayoko sa bata! Ngumiti ako dito at pasimpleng pinanlakihan ito ng mata. Biglang bumilog ang naniningkit na mga mata ng bata. Maputi ito. Chubby cherubin. Three to four years old. Julian chuckled.

Hello Tantan dangsin-i samchon jullian-i cheos kiseu wonhaneun geos-il sudo? You might want to kiss Uncle Julian first Nakahinga ako ng maluwag ng umalis ito sa pagkakayakap sa mga hita ko. Tricia ey ed me curiously. So he s Tantan? I groaned inwardly. Kumiss ito kay Julian. So Juli an s words were asking him to kiss him? Was that it? Oh, no. What have I gotten my self into? Tapos bumalik ulit ito at hinawakan ang kamay ko. Tantan I gritted my teeth while s miling. `Pagpasok namin ay niyakap ako isa-isa ng mga kamag-anak ni Julian. They were almost all half-filipinos half-koreans. At nalaman kong kaya lang sila nan dito ay dahil sa Angko ni Julian Julian s grandfather was sick. I just smiled. Tahimik lang ako. Then someone hugged me. Hija! Kamusta ka na? Too sad, I didn t make it on your wedding day. I smiled at the old man. He was the old man in the pictures! With Julian. Uncle I w hispered tentatively. Ngumiti ito at inabutan ako ng wineglass. Imo Jean! I almost groaned aloud. Hindi ba ako titigilan ng batang ito? Kinarga ito ng matandang l alaki. You missed aunt Jean, eh? Pagpasensyahan mo ang apo ko Jean. O kay lang po. Hindi okay. Nakatingin ako sa batang naglalagkit ng chocolates. Oh, n o. Imo Jean Yumakap ulit ito. Wala na `kong nagawa. Some smiled at me. Kahit isa sa ka nila hindi ko alam ang pangalan. Then I saw Julian and Tricia talking quietly fr om a corner. Tantan smiled up at me. Imo Jean let s play. He grasped my hand. Nagkalat ang chocolates sa mga kamay ko. Sa sobrang inis ko binitawan ko siya. He looked at me then started hiccupping. Oh m y, God Sssshhh Tantan don t cry. Then he stopped crying. Na parang hinipan lang ng hangin. He stared at me. Reall y stared at me, like the way Julian stared at me when he was suspicious. You re not Imo Jean! You re not Imo Jean! He started wailing. What the hell is happening here?! Unti-unti akong tumingin sa hagdanan. I froze in place. My gaze was fixed on the grand staircase. There stood Julian s grandfather . The patriarch of the Sunico family. Para akong hihimatayin. My eyes searched for Julian. NO! He was holding Tricia s hand. NOT MINE! I fainted. EIGHT Jeannie! Jeannie! Damn Jeannie darling please wake up, I heard that one. Nananaginip ba `ko? Sa panaginip ko Julian was worried sick about me. Me. Me. Me. No Tricia. No make-believe baby. No nothing. I opened my eyes slowly. Nasan ako? Julian cupped my cheek softly. Lahat sila naka palibot sa `kin. Si Celine, si Uncle Jin, Tantan, Drake, Aunt Risan, and the res t I couldn t very well remember their names. Nakita ko ang mukha ni Julian, clearly. Then I started hiccupping. I wanted to g o home. Ayoko na. Hindi ko na kaya. He looked real worried. Kung hindi ko pa ala m in my peripheral vision I saw her. I m okay. Pinilit kong tumayo mula sa malaking kama. My throat was dry. Alam mo cous, ganyan din ako ng pinagbubuntis ko si Tantan. Emotional stress, kay a ikaw Julian take care of Jean. Celine smiled at me. Anak siya ni Uncle Jin. Tama . Emotional stress. Are you sure, you re okay? Tanong ni Uncle Jin. Napansin ko ang closeness ni Julian kay Uncle Jin. The man who had bear-hugged me earlier. At apo nito si Tantan. Un cle Jin was his father s cousin. Parang ito ang pumalit sa pwestong iniwan ng papa niya. And sadly the divorce of Julian s parents caused the Sunico patriarch to dis own his eldest son. Then Tantan kissed my nose. Imo Jean s-sorryy My eyes watered. H indi naman ako pinanganak na sinungaling kaya nagi-guilty din naman ako sa pamil ya ni Julian. Hindi ko ineexpect ito. Hindi sila matapobre like what I d expected. Are you sure, darling? You got me worried We ll go to the nearest hospital. Our baby he might be He frantically cupped my stomach tenderly. Natawa ang mga pinsan ni Ju lian at tinapik ito. Gusto kong maniwala Julian gusto ko. But I m not that stupid.

At sana hindi dumating `yung panahong I d start really hating you. Is there something wrong, sonja? Napatingin ako sa mukha ng Angko ni Julian. He di dn t look as if he was sick. His rheumy eyes were still clear. I sighed. Ewan ko, pati ako naguguluhan. But there was definitely something about his grandfather t hat made me fear him. Authority. Arrogance. Na parehong meron kay Julian. They were both alike. Let s get her to rest. Sabi nito sa mataas na tinig. May tungkod ito. Nobody assiste d the old man. He s got grit and pride. Very much like Julian. Niyakap ako ni Tant an sa leeg. Hindi ako makahinga sa bigat niya. Diyos ko, mapapatawad ko na sana `tong batang `to. Jean nie Nakita ko si Tricia, parang nag-aalala siya. O nag-aalala ba talaga? Tinalik uran ko siya. Narinig ko ang pagsara ng pinto. Jeannie Will you please go away from me? I murmured angrily as Julian touched my shoulder. Tinanggal ko iyon ng humarap ako sa kanya. Pero lalo niya lang hinigpitan. Nagti tigan kami. Ano `to stare-a-thon? The muscle on his jaw flexed furiously. Wala n a `kong pakialam kung magalit siya sa `kin. In the first place, wala siyang kara patan magalit. What s wrong? I bit my lower lip from shouting at him. Insensitive cad! What s wrong? Ha! Yes! Everything s wrong you, me and Tricia! I clenched my teeth. Nakita kong unti-unt ing nag-iiba `yung expression niya. He became withdrawn. Please Julian Tama ka. Gi namit kita. Ginamit kita para makuha ko ang gusto ko, ang pangalan ng pamilya mo , para makuha ko ang titulo ng bahay namin. And let s face reality may mahal kang ib a. Bakit ako masasaktan? Siguro kasi natatapakan pride ko bilang babae. At may mahal din akong iba. Taas noong tumingin ako sa kanya. His fists clenched. Parang bigla akong natakot sa itsura ni Julian. He wouldn t hurt me. At least not physically. Right. Gigil na itinaas nito ang baba ko. You love Brad, right? And you re a hypocrit e, Jeannie. You ruined both our lives. Sana nanlimos ka na lang sa `kin. Niyakap niya `ko. Natakot ako bigla. Julian seemed like the very devil himself. Because I m good at giving back to charities and you re one of them. Eh, di sana hindi tayo parehong nakatali sa kasal na ikaw mismo ang may gawa. I know an insult when I heard one. And it hit right through the core. Charity? `Yun ba talaga tingin sa `min ng kapatid ko? I hate you Julian! I love Brad I so love Brad that I wished he were you right this minute! Pasigaw na sabi ko. Pagsalba man lang ng pride. I was amazed at what he had done next pabalyang itinulak ako ni Julian sa kama. Hindi naman ako nasaktan dahil malambot ang malaking kama. But oh my, I was sudd enly afraid. He pulled off his coat. Ang mga mata nito. Kulang na lang maging ab o ako sa apoy na nilalabas non. I looked over my shoulders Lamp shade? Brush? No! I can t hurt him. Sadly. Nagpapakatanga ba talaga ako? He was taking his clothes off one by one. My eyes grew wide I thought it might p opped out. Now, he was clad with his Levi s Ganon kabilis. My God. Napalunok ako. M y hands were trembling violently. The corner of his lips twitched lazily, as if mocking me. Hindi niya `ko maririnig na magmakaawa. No that would stomp my damned pride. Tatakbo ako mula sa gilid ng hapitin niya ang bewang ko. I screeched and clawed his face. I saw red. Julian s face darkened. Parang naiiyak na `ko. Inihiga niya ` ko sa kama. Are you going to rape me? I whispered angrily. Do I need consent in raping my wife, darling? He said in sarcasm. Pilit kong iniaatras ang katawan ko papuntang headboard. Pero dinaganan niya `ko . His whole body was covering mine. I gasped. Realization hit me all at once. Ju lian was dead serious. My heart was thundering. Julian don t do this. Bulong ko. Well, I m already doing this. Galit na tinitigan niya `ko. His face was so close I c ould smell his breathing. The rise and fall of my chest rubbed against his. And g oodness, it felt wrong and delicious. No! O, tukso layuan mo ako! Julian no My eyes grew wide. Sa likod ng isip ko nakikita ko sila ni Tricia. Magkaya kap. Umiiyak ang huli. Na para bang ako ang may kasalanan ng lahat. Ako. Overwhe lming anger and desolation. I pushed him hard on the chest. He didn t quite budge.

Tumaas lang ang kilay niya. Then he kissed me. SAVAGELY. His hand clutched the side of my neck. I tried hard to close my mouth from his i nvasion. Pilit kong iniiwas ang mukha ko. Then his lips landed on the side of my neck. My God, parang biglang nag-init ang buong paligid. Surely, we weren t in pu rgatory. We were still in Korea. But the devil was kissing me. Open up for me Jeannie His voice was hoarse. No Yes no then he was claiming what he shouldn t. He was already kissing me, openly. Ro ughly. Hungrily. Carnally. You love Brad? Let s see. Galit na sinabi nito. No. Not l ike this Julian! Then his lips trekked down my neck. Pilit akong nagpupumiglas mula sa hawak niya . We were in a war. War of emotions. War of heat. Na para bang magkakaroon ng Wo rld War III. Itinulak ko siya ng malakas. I love Brad I love Brad I shouted at him, then tears one by one pooled down my eyes. Sa pagkabigla ko Oh my God! I cried out. He roughly tore my blouse off me. The buttons popped. Nagsabog ang buhok ko sa k ama at sa mukha ko. Nanghihina na `ko. It was like I couldn t do anything anymore. Then he looked down at me at my bare shoulders and flimsy black underthings. His eyes were blazing Then he fisted my hair up that tilted my face in the air. You re mine. I opened my mouth to protest. No one owns me He claimed my mouth not too gently. And I tasted blood there. But it only ignite d something more more that I wanted. Something I felt strongly, yet I couldn t name . Then his hands were there touching me. Touching my stomach. I closed my eyes ti ghtly. Marahan niyang hinimas ang tyan ko. Without clothes on now. Then he kissed me th ere. I started crying. I was half-naked. In bed with a man who thought I was someone else. And I couldn t help falling for him. Ganoon ba `ko kababaw? Sinisigawan niya `ko lagi. Wala na siyang ginawa kundi sa ktan ako. I shouldn t be feeling this way. But I did. I hate him. And now I love hi m. Julian? Julian? We both turned at the frantic sound at the door. Julian! Angko s rushed to the hospital. He s dying! We went to the hospital as soon as we got our clothes on. Tahimik lang si Julian . He was tense. Tapos hinawakan niya `yung kamay ko. He was trying to hide the p ain. Nakita ko si Tricia na nakatingin sa `min habang nasa labas ng ICU. Gusto k ong sabihing family matter `to, wala kang karapatan dito . She was just a family fr iend. JUST. Uncle Jin s mouth was slacked. Umiiyak na ang mga pinsan nitong babae. He wanted to see Mr. Julian Sunico and his wife. Napatingin kami sa doctor. Angko Julian and him spoke quietly in Korean language. Parang gusto kong yakapin si Julian. I saw the bitterness written all over his face. He was now the heir. Th e soon-to-be patriarch of Sunicos. And I bet he hated the responsibility. Hindi niya kailangang magsalita para mari nig ko `yun. Sanjo come here. Ho? Julian pushed me. Then he went out of the door. Para akong masosuffocate sa loob ng hospital suite. Ang mukha ng lolo ni Julian. `Yung parang tinatawag na ni Sa n Pedro. And I felt a little sympathy for this old man even though I had met him a few hours ago.

Angko He smiled sadly. His wrinkled chinky eyes seemed tired. Promise me His voice was ho arse. Ho? Para na akong parrot na paulit ulit. Natatakot ako. Please make my sanjo happy h-he h-he had the full responsibility now. I nodded. I heard you are good at painting. I wished you could paint the whole family. With me. My eyes grew wide. I shook my head. Jeannie could paint. Pero ako si ako si Jean. I know I know He chuckled hoarsely. I m old but I m not stupid. Umiyak na `ko. I m sorry. Ayokong ako pa ang maging dahilan ng pagkamatay ni Angko. Hindi man ako inborn na mabait. At least, hindi naman ako ganon kasama. Kay Tric ia lang. Hmm He took my hand. Promise me, whatever happens take care of Julian. He needs you. Promise. I wanted to tell him, Julian never needed me. Promise me, you ll never hurt him. Gusto kong sabihing ako? Ako pa ang mananakit kay Julian? Apo niya nga talaga it o. Promise. Then his hand went limp. He s dead.

NINE Julian was withdrawn the whole burial service. The Old patriarch of Sunicos were now gone. Cremated. Gusto ko siyang lapitan. Yakapin. I-comfort. But he gave me that look that said back off . After the third day, we, meaning almost all of the Sunicos, went back to the Philippines. With Tricia. I couldn t help being left out. At isa pa, nasasaktan din ako. Natatakot akong bak a hindi ko matupad ang promise ko kay Angko. Syempre, naniniwala akong bumabalik ang mga kaluluwa kung may unfinished business. Eh, pano kung balikan ako ni Ang ko? Diyos ko, `wag naman sana. We were out of the embassy when we saw Julian s father. Jin, why didn t you tell me? He gritted his teeth. Parang gusto kong maawa dito. It s over. What is over Jin? You tell me! You know it would never be over unless Galit na siga w nito at tumingin kay Julian. I was kinda shocked. Julian s father was red about the face. Pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga tao sa paligid. Nakita ko ang biglang p agmutla ni Uncle Jin. Will you get out of here? You re not a Sunico! Julian hissed silently. Tahimik lang siya these past few days. What if what if Julian turned to his father in anger? O h, no. Alam ko kung pano magalit ang leon. Julian! Celine said authoritatively. Aunt Risan looked worried. What the hell Ang hirap pumagitna sa mga nag-uumpugang bato. You didn t even call me Risan? Me? Your own brother when dad died? I have every rig ht! Galit na nagwawala na ngayon ang daddy ni Julian. Uncle Jin tried to pacify h im. Before we knew it. It was too swift. Too fast. Julian moved forward. Para kaming

nasa slow motion scene habang nakita namin kung pano tumaas ang kamao ni Julian sa mukha ni Mr. Sunico. I took a step back in horror. Para akong naestatwa. The n there were papparazzis. Where the hell had they come from? Tricia hugged him from behind. She was crying now. Ako? I felt alien. Like I was an altogether different person. Hindi ko siya ma-t ake. Hindi. This is all your fault! You ruined mom s life! My life! And gave me the responsibil ity I never wanted in the first place. Where s your sense of honor dad? Sana hindi na lang kita naging tatay! Julian was making guttural sounds. Painful. Julian please stop it. Don t cause any more scandal than we have now Even Celine was c rying. Dumating ang mga bodyguards ni Uncle Jin. There was more to this than I couldn t put a finger on. Iyak ng iyak si Tantan ng magising. Julian was remote. Tricia was with him. She understood him about his family. Anong panama ko kay Tricia? She knew a lot. Eve rything. Ako?... wala. When I turned eighteen, I felt exhilarated. Why? Kasi feeling ko malaya na `ko m ula sa manipulasyon ng parents ko. Independent. Wala ng curfew. Wala ng dialogue na bata ka pa . At lalong hindi ko na kailangang magsinungaling na may project par a lang payagang gumala, mag-boyfriend at uminom. LEGAL. Pwede ng makulong. But you know what? I still wanted to reach out to Julian. I know, hindi ako nagi ng mabuting anak. And I never wanted to run for an ulirang anak awardee. Pero ang m agulang ay magulang. They have reasons, you know. However unreasonable it may be . We ll have a press conference later. Aunt Risan phoned someone. Nasa kabilang sasakyan si Uncle Jin kasama sina Celine at Tantan. Julian closed his eyes. I saw Tricia squeezed his hand. Talo ako. I gave up Juli an. I gave up. Ayoko na. I d tell him later about everything. Pero paano ang panga ko mo kay Angko Jeannie? Hindi ko na kaya. Ilang beses ko na bang sinabi: Wala a kong balak sundan ang yapak ni Rizal. What do you think will Julian feel? Another blow? Dammit. Ano naman nandyan naman si Tricia! He would feel betrayed. I bit my lower lip. I remembered telling Jean this: Jean `wag mong i-save ang mundo. Hindi ka si wonde rwoman. Pero anong ginagawa ko? Gusto kong protektahan si Julian. Because he needed it t hough he wasn t asking it. Sabi nila, women have a nurturing nature, and men will always be boys at heart. Susuko na ba talaga ako? My hands were cold. Nagpapawis. My phone vibrated. Hello? Wow, artista ka na. I gritted my teeth. CM. At ang hitad tumawa pa. I saw the headlines. Muy, gwapo pala ni Julian Sunico I w ouldn t wonder why Tricia chose him over me. At lalong hindi ako magtataka kung ba kit siya pinikot ng kapatid mo. In fairness ha, totoo naman palang sinabi nila. Mas matalino sa `yo kapatid mo. I rolled my eyes. Excuse me lang Carlo Miguel Jr., sa pagkakatanda ko never kang pinagnasaan ni Tricia back in New York. Mapagpanggap ka. Then I sighed. CM I would tell him the truth. Tonight. What! Think it over Jeannie. Sa tingin mo, this is the right time to do that? I I don t know. Inayos ko ang gown ko sa harap ng salamin. I chose black. Tamang tama para sa okasyon. I was mourning my heart out. May kumatok. CM I ll talk to you later. Magpabuntis ka kaya kay papa Brad? I cut the line off. Wala talagang mabuting idulot si CM. Tricia smiled at me. She looked pretty and sophiscated in her pink dress. Hi Oh, God. I know I m committing two of the seven deadly sins. Wrath and envy. At hin

ihiling kong sana y hindi ko na makita ever si Tricia. Pero tao lang po ako. Tricia ayokong makipagplastikan. I don t feel good around you. Ayan. Breathe out. Tuta l huling gabi ko na ito. Bakit hindi ko pa sabihin lahat? She smiled at me. It s alright. Hindi rin naman kita gusto. Not personally. But beca use you took Julian from me. I know it s you Jeannie. Parang nanlamig ang buong pagkatao ko. Alam ba ng lahat? You knew? She nodded. Patatawarin kita sa ginawa mo. Sa ginawa niyong magkapatid. I wanted t o spit fire at her. Please take care of Julian. I m not a hypocrite Jeannie, you know me. And I promise you My jaw dropped. Oh, If you don t. I ll take Julian away from you. Parang namanhid `yung buong katawan ko. Tumalikod na siya. You don t have to wor Julian was leaning gorgeously against the doorframe, his tux on one hand. The ot her hand on his pocket. Tricia cupped Julian s cheek! Kitang kita ko `yun mula sa salamin. Parang gustong lumabas ng puso ko. Kasabay ng paglabas nito ng pinto. L ike hell, Tricia was challenging me. And in that moment, my eyes squinted. I rea lized one thing: Hindi ko kayang i-give up si Julian! Dinner time. And his voice like hell, he was inviting me to taste the forbidden app le. I swallowed. Ano ba Jeannie! Magtino ka nga Para kang naka-drugs.Ito ba ang k aya mong i-give up? Akala ko ba si Eba ang dahilan kung bakit nagkasala ang buon g daigdig, parang hindi naman. I d rather eat you for dinner. A slow grin played about the corner of his lips. Lumapit ito. Tapos nanlaki `yun g mga mata ko. Oh, no! I hadn t said my thoughts aloud again, had I? Jean always t old me how transparent I am. Kaya nga nagtataka ako kung bakit magaling din akon g magsinungaling. Then I remembered what happened. Three days ago. You re blushing. I shrugged. Kumain na tayo. Gutom na `ko. Jeannie I I shrugged and went forward. One step. Two steps. Three. I tiptoed and wrapped m y arms around his neck. My God, I saw him tensed. He was a bit taken aback. I wan t this marriage to work. I I ve always been alone. I want to have a big family. You , me and our baby. If you don t. I ll take Julian away from you. Parang naririnig ko pa `yun. Parang sirang plaka. I closed my eyes and kissed hi m. Touching my closed lips light against his. Just a peck. Nothing more. His han ds automatically wrapped around my waist. Jeannie He groaned. Later His eyes burned pr omise. I d tell him tonight. Julian! For Christ s sake! The reporters are already here. Thirty minutes. Ikaw Jea nnie mag-prepare ka na. Uncle Jin said from out of nowhere. I blushed. Julian let go of my hand. A fresh start. I sucked in my breath. Wala akong dapat ikahiya. Maganda naman ako. Thirty minut es later. I was out looking for Julian. Lumabas na ako at pumunta sa conference room. Lumiko ako sa kabilang room. It was deserted. Nagulat ako ng biglang may yumakap sa`kin from behind. Julian? I smiled and turned around to see Brad?! You called me last night. Bakit hindi ka dumating? Ano?! Ano bang pinagsasabi nito? Was he into drugs also? Dahil sa kagandahan ko? Ang lupit talaga ng kamandag ko. Tsk. Pilit kong inaalis ang mga kamay ni Brad sa bewang ko. Then I tried to smile at him. This was one big hell of a joke. Jok e lang ni Brad. Lumingon ako. I couldn t risk being seen with him. Brad. That s a mistake. I m with Julian last night and I was wrong Jean! Once run away with me. I love you. He clutched at me frantically. My eyes grew wide. Dahil sa pagkaparalyze ko hindi ako makapag-react. Had Jean c

alled him last night? No Brad listen I m not Jean Rose. I m He was already kissing me! My head spin. My heart stopped. Feeling ko masusuka a ko. Then the door opened. Someone gasped. I swore my life was doomed as Julian stared coldly at me. I stood there motionle ss. His eyes, his deadly glance, by the end of the day I wouldn t wonder if I woul d be six feet underground he was going to kill me. Then he walked away. Para akong pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa. I would underst and if he showed anger. Mas kaya ko pang i-handle ang galit na Julian. Tricia we re regarding me with an accusing stare. Wala siyang alam! No! I whispered. Tumakbo ako palabas. Kay Julian. I clutched at his arm. Julian lis ten to me! I pleaded. Tapos may humawak ulit sa braso ko. Si Brad. Flashes of cam era. The paparazzi. Oh my God, I caused another scandal. Julian She loves me Julian. Set us free. No! Bakit hindi ako makasigaw? Julian turned to me. Hindi ko na natapos kung ano man ang sasabihin ko. O dapat pang sabihin. What I saw in his face tore my heart into pieces. PAIN. At natakot ako kasi, I failed. I failed Angko. I failed Tricia. And I hurt Julian. Siguro h indi niyo ko maiintindihan. Unless you fell in love like this. Unless you knew wh at love really meant. Even though you couldn t define it. Jeannie, I m sorry. I saw something luha? No. The Great JULIAN SUNICO wouldn t cry over a woman. NO over me. I m setting you free. Then he turned his back on me. No It hurt as I stared coldly at his back. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK ARE YOU DOING?! Tricia half-screamed half-whispered. Th e reporters were forgotten. Yes, Jean what the hell do you think are you doing to me? TEN I knocked on the door. Once. Twice. No response. I wasn t knocking now. Okay, I d us e the word banging now. Since, iba ang pakahulugan sa `kin non dati. Bwisit na b inabalibag ko na ang pinto. Julian open this damned door! Ma am What! I tried to calm my nerves. Hindi niya kasalanan. Hindi dapat mandamay ng inosent eng nilalang. Eh, ma am sabi po ni sir, `wag daw po siyang gambalain. Nawala na ang overdramatic mood ko kanina. Tricia yelled at me earlier in the ho tel suite and took me out of my reverie. Are you just going to stand there like a n idiot? You re not even going to defend yourself? What? Iiyak ka at sasabihin mon g ikaw ang biktima? For the second time, my jaw almost dropped. For the win pala itong si Tricia! Naiiyak na sana ako nun eh. Pwede pala kaming friends. Posible pala. I thought it was in the movies or telenovelas. `Yung pag-aagawan naming `yu ng bidang lalaki. `Wag gambalain? Bakit ano bang himala ang ginagawa niya sa loob? Gigil kong sabi. The door was locked. Bakit ko ba naisipang mag-give up? I never had that in my v ocabulary. Ako si Jeannie Rose Leviste. Sabi ni mommy, ang lola ng lola ko ang p amangkin ng anak ni Gabriela Silang. Ah ewan. Julian! I gritted my teeth in anger. May pills kaya itong dala sa loob? Wire? Rope ? Knife? Grabe naman. Hindi pa naman ako ganon kamahal ni Julian para gawin niya `yun `di ba? Ma am kasi po baka sa `kin magalit si sir kung Magalit sir mo? Sino bang kaharap mo? Hindi ba dapat mas mauna kang matakot sa `k in? I took the keys in her shaking hands. And opened the damned door. Kapag bukas ko ng pinto madilim. I turned on the lights and saw Julian s back. He was sitting on his swivel chair. Nakataas ang paa nito sa drawer. Parang biglang nawala ang lakas ng loob ko. Nalunok ko pa ata ang nanunuyot kong laway. Julian Na kita ko ang nagsabog na mga beer bottles. Ahm, mahalaga pala ako sa kanya. Hindi ba dapat nagse-celebrate siya at hindi na

gpapakalasing? Eh, bakit Jeannie may kasama namang alak kapag nagse-celebrate `di ba? Hell. Whatever. Julian What! Pack your things and get out of my house! He whispered angrily. Hindi ito lu milingon. I m not talking to your back. Julian listen to me I want to come clean. Bulong ko. He started laughing demonicall y. Na para bang bago pa sa `kin `yun. I want an annulment. Parang nag-init ang punong tenga ko. Bingi ba ito? Ayoko. He swung the swivel chair roughly. My eyes grew wide. His neck tie was scattered on the desk. Ang mga butones ng polo shirt nito ay nagkandakalas. I gulped Could n t I just look up and not on his chest. My I sighed silently. That chest would hav e been illegal to cover! Payag na `ko. His eyes glinted. At galit na tumayo ito. See? He laughed out mockingly. Hoarse. D ry. Tapos lumapit siya sa `kin. He always did that that menacing steps. The first time, here in the library. Second time, three days ago. He was trying to intimi date me. I should have known. You wanted out of this marriage because of that SOB. I m right. Papayag ka din sa a nnulment. His teeth gritted. Naglalabasan na ang ugat nito sa leeg. I blinked thr ice. Hindi. Hindi ako magpapatakot sa damuho nato. Payag na `ko. Sabi ko. Then I took his hand and put it on my I swallowed first. Oh lord, give me strength. Alam ko kasalanan `tong gagawin ko.

I put it on my na.

Payag na `ko. Payag na `kong magpa-rape sa `yo Julian. With consent

bosom. Ayan. Dalagang Pilipina ako no. Bosom is for inbred ladies. Nabasa ko `ya n before. I swore Julian s eyes grew wide. The tic on his adam s apple moved. Oh, eh `di tinab lan ka ngayon! I wanted to shout victory. Nataob ko ang bataan. Then his err erri ng hand cupped my hmm. There. What the hell do you think are you doing? I was amazed. Ang mga singkit niyang mat a lumaki at bumilog. Nababaliw na ata talaga ako. `Di ba `yun din ang tanong sa `kin ni Tricia kanina? And all the while he didn t even take his hand off me! Naintin dihan mo naman `yung meaning ng rape `di ba? Pumapayag na `ko. I whispered and swallowed sharply. Why wasn t he doing a thing? We were just standing there him touching me. It was a little bit awkward and delicious? I moaned inwardly. Oh I moaned only because lust is a deadly sin not because because May mabubuo bang baby kung nakaganito lang kami? Nakakahiya na nga `yung sitwasy on ko. Mas nakakahiya naman kung ako pang humigit sa kanya sa kama `di ba? Oh, n o. I was that desperate, was I? His eyes squinted anew. His brow arched. I felt him moved a little. My eyes grew wide. Ju lian. Bad `yan ha. Gusto ko sanang sabihin `yun. Then his hand moved... no t down but up. Up to my neck. Lumaki ang mga mata ko. He caressed my neck gently . And then his big hand gripped me. Bakit mo ipagpipilitan ang sarili mo sa `kin kung nandyan naman si Brad? Parang biglang bumalik ang animosity nito. You fvcking love him, didn t you? Wouldn t you scream his name if we were going to To make love? I supplied nervously. I swallowed against his deathly grip. Tumawa ito na parang nang-aasar. Screw, darling making love is only women s term. If we re going to do it, we ll only be screwing. I winced at the brutal words. Men are men. I hated to admit it; they were born w ith long and sharp tongues. At hindi napagi-iwanan si Julian! Did he think his w ords would hurt me? Kilala ko na siya. The more he was hurt, the more he lashed

back. Rape nga `di ba Inis kong sabi. I wouldn t be bothered by his cruel words. He was pus hing me away. I could see that. And take note: with consent. I pouted. Tinitigan n iya `ko ng masama. I bet he was wondering what on earth was happening to me. Hin di ako nagagalit. Hindi ako nagtatatalak sa kanya. Biglang tumaas `yung sulok ng bibig nito. Ang hininga niya, amoy tsiko na. Do you know what I want to wring your lovely neck right now. If I kill you there would b e justice. You wouldn t do that. I whispered. Paano mo `ko papakinabangan kung patay na `ko? He sighed. So how are we going to do it? Sa desk? Sa couch? Sa ibabaw ng counter? What he was doing was scaring me off. Julian you can t run away from me. I whispered. Seven months. Tinanggal nito ang kamay sa leeg ko. Itinaas niya ang baba ko. We ll ha ve an annulment after you give birth. And you can marry your SOB of a lover. Parang gusto kong manghina. Ang tanong paano ko manganganak? Paano kung hindi ako pumayag? He shrugged and took to his drinking again. And one more thing Julian. I turned around before opening the door. Bakit kita hihi walayan eh, mas mayaman ka kay Brad? I smiled b!tchily at him. Akala lang nila si Jean ang matalino no, ako din kaya. At isinara ko ang pinto. Then I heard a loud crash. Must have been the china vase that caused millions. M arami naman siyang pambili eh, it didn t matter. Morning. God, thank you for stopping Julian from killing me last night. Hindi ko alam kun g bakit energetic ako at masaya. It was like I could take on the world. Baliw na kaya ako? Kapag baba ko ay nakita kong nagbebreakfast na sa lanai si Julian. Wit h her mom. Our mommy now. Good morning Philippines! Good morning World! Good morning mommy! I kissed Mrs. Su nico on the cheek. Tawa ng tawa sa `kin mommy ni Julian. At siya? He didn t even g ive me a glance. Mukang masarap ang tulog mo hija Too bad I hadn t seen Julian s grandfather. Oo nga po, mommy. Ano pa bang dapat sabihin? Julian became withdrawn again. Parang outsider din ang mommy ni Julian sa family Sunico. Kailangan kong malaman ang d eepest and darkest secret nila malay mo, para may maipam-blackmail ako kay Julian . I secretively smiled. Anong nginingiti-ngiti mo dyan? Ano bang problema nito? Panira ng araw. Napaka-contagious ng aura nito. Negative vibes. Para tuloy may nagsasabi sa `king may hindi mangyayaring maganda. May batas na ba dito sa bahay ang bawal ngumiti Jules? I saw his teeth gritted. What is it hija? She smiled at Julian. Inaalagaan mo bang maigi itong si Jean? He snorted. Tapos tinitigan niya `ko. Minsan naiisip ko, may psychic ability kam i nitong si Julian. O isa lang talaga lagi `yung expression niya. Shut up Jeannie . Yes. Mommy Ma am, sir may bisita po kayo. Nagkatinginan kami ni Julian. He wiped his mouth with a napkin. Then from the do orway came Oh my God. Balae? Napalunok ako. Okay, given, so my mommy s here. But what the hell was CM doing in here? Sabi ko na nga bad vibes. Dapat talaga naglagay ako ng banga sa harap ng p intuan para hindi nakakapasok ang masasamang espiritu sa bahay nila Julian. CM? Mommy? Marahan akong tumayo at ngumiti sa kanila. Ganon din si Julian. Julian kissed my mom s cheek. Good morning mommy. He said very politely. Tapos tinitigan ni ya si CM mula ulo hanggang paa. Ah Julian si CM. She s Jeannie s bestfriend. My mommy smiled. Tapos umupo na kaming lahat. Your bestfriend? Lumingon sa `kin si Julian. Ahm

Yeah. CM smiled at me. Ay grabe, kitang-kita ang pagkabuhay ng katawang lupa ni CM sa mga mata niya. He eyed Julian like my husband was the meal. We re bestfriends. Actually may mga gay friends din kami sa New Ahurm, I m glad to finally meet you CM ex tended his hand toward Julian. Ang mga mata ni Julian parang lobo. Suspicious. I m not very particular with gays. Biglang binawi ni CM kamay niya at tumuwid ng tayo. Ang boses. Barakong barako. Balae, halika na t mag-breakfast na tayo. Later everybody was well and good. Usap. T sismis. Weather forecast. Politics. And fashion Lahat nag-uusap save Julian. May ipapatayo nga pala akong business hija, I smiled at Julian s mom. Oh? Naalala ko tutal tapos ka naman ng business administration, so why don t you take on the job? Bigla akong nahirinan. CM s eyes grew wide. My mom bit her lower lip. Julian raise d one brow at me. Ni hindi man lang hinimas `yung likod ko! Ahm talaga po? Maganda `yan. Jean Rose finished commerce. Anong gagawin ko? Wala akong alam! Ano ano nga pala ang mga pinaglilihian mo hija? Parang hindi naman siya naglilihi. Julian butted in. Tumabi sa `kin si CM. Tapos bigla akong humawak sa tyan ko. Tinakpan ko ang bibi g ko. God, sorry. Ahhh... errr Masusuka ata ako. Then I made mewling sounds like I w as going to throw up. Napatayo silang tatlo. Hinimas ni mommy ang likod ko. CM an o ba `yang pabango mo ang baho! Itinulak ko si CM. He snorted at me. Tila ayaw pa ng makisama! Ganyan din ako ng nagbubuntis ako kay Julian hija I smiled secretively. Ah, Jeannie, Julian. I forgot to give my gift. Here, I know you ll surely love it. Makakatulong `yan in future references. Inabot niya sa `kin ang isang maliit na paper bag. Julian was still scrutinizing me. Hindi ko gusto `yung tingin niya sa `kin. Na para bang ewan ko. Really? One brow arched. I opened the paper bag. Then I gasped softly. Tinitigan ko siya. How dare you CM ! What is it? My mom asked. A box of chocolates. Parang nanigas ang panga ko sa pag-smile. Really, hija? What k ind of chocolate? A box of chocolates. I smiled too sweetly. Let me see, Julian tugged my hand. Ayokong bitawan ang paper bag. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata. Tumaas ang kilay nito. It was like a tug o war between us. Tapo s sumabog ang laman niyon sa lamesa. Feeling ko lulubog ako sa kahihiyan. In front of me was a box of chocolate-flavored c-o-n-d-o-m-s!

ELEVEN My hands trembled. Sh!t. It was now or never. Pwede bang or na lang? Akala ko ba m ay mga choices sa mundo bakit ako lang ata ang pinagkaitan ni God? Gusto kong ma glumpasay at magngangawa ng mommy! . Pero hindi eh, how could I? Kung mommy ko pa m ismo ang nagtutulak sa `king gawin ito. Two vials. Bottle A. Bottle B. Plan A and B. What the hell? Mom what s this? Pills.

Alam ko. I hissed. What do I need pills for? Anak there s no other way. My mom brushed an invisible tear on her left cheek. Magtat aka pa ba ako kung saan ako nagmana? Magaling ding umarte `tong mommy ko eh. Kun g hindi ko pa alam. Ito give this to him one hour before you go to bed. My eyes grew wide. This is this is Grabe, violation of human rights ang ginagawa ko sa sarili ko! Pwede kong kasuha n ang mga magulang ko. She s giving me a dose of ahm, Viagra? As if Julian needed i t! Hindi naman ako magtataka sa kakayahan ni Julian kaya lang... kaya lang patutu lugin ko muna siya? Hello? How the hell would I do that? Gumagana ba `yung ano k ung tulog ang lalaki? Parang pikot na rin `yun no. Okay lang sana kung hihiga ak o, magtatanggal ng damit, magkukunwaring tulog sa tabi niya. Hindi ba ganon ang pikot? Either that or ecstacy pills! NOT ADVISABLE. My God. Me? Jeannette Rose Le viste? Pumunta ako sa CR at naghilamos ng mukha, malay ko ba baka sakaling pagtingin ko sa salamin iba na pala pagkatao ko. Ako na pala si Angel Locsin. Lobo na pala a ko at si Julian ang ihahapunan ko. Mayamaya lang I felt something pierced within my tummy. Goodness, karma na ba ito? Jeannie? Biglang bumukas `yung pinto. I gritted my teeth. Ni hindi man lang marunong kuma tok. Pano kung napasukan niya `kong nagyu-urinate? Or worst nagbabawas ng sama ng loob? Oh? Gigil kong sabi. Get dressed. May pupuntahan tayo. Ha? Anak ka ng magaling ang plano ni mommy! Breathe in. Breathe out. Lalong sumasaki t. Napakapit ako sa sink. Ikaw na lang. Masama pakiramdam ko. I winced in pain again. Dammit. Tinitigan niya `ko. Masakit talaga sa may bandang puson. Then I reached out to h im. Para alalayan ako. Tapos bigla akong tinalikuran! Wow. He was so caring and v ery sweet! Gusto ko siyang ipapapak sa mga langgam. Magbihis ka na. Don t pull that act on me Jeannie. It won t work this time. And he sla mmed the door to my face. Right at this moment I was wishing he could fall into a ditch. O kaya magbula bigla ang bibig niya. One hour later. Ano bang ginawa ko para parusahan ako ng Diyos Julian? Naging mabuting tao naman ako. Pinipilit ko namang sundin ang sampung utos ni Go d. Una lagi si papa God sa listahan ko kasunod lang si Julian na akala ata siya ang Diyos. Respetuhin mo ang iyong ama at ina, see? Obedient pa nga ako `di ba? Akalain mong gawin ko ang utos ni mommy na lagyan ng ecstacy pills ang inumin ni Julian. Huwag papatay. Oh, `di ba? Ilang beses ko lang pinagpaplanuhang patayin si Julian sa isip ko. Pero sa isip lang `yun! Huwag kang magnakaw. Clean. Naiiyak na pinunasan ko ang mga mata ko. Para akong bata. Grabe ang sakit-sakit talaga ng puson ko. Hindi ba Julian? Mabait naman ako bakit ako nagkakaganito? Ngawa ako ng ngawa. He g lanced at me boringly then shrugged. Shrugged! My God he was so inconsiderate. Na glalawa na ang ilong ko kakasinghot. Sa sobrang inis ko yumakap ako kay Julian. J eannie! What the I blew out on his polo shirt. Jeannie! He gritted his teeth in horror. Tinignan niya `ko na para bang nababaliw na `ko. Tapos tinignan niya `yung basang parte ng polo niya. Thank you. I smiled at him sweetly. Okay na `ko, salamat sa singahan. In fairness, mabango. Tinuro ko `yung dibdib niya. Tapos parang namimilipit na naman ulit sa s akit. Tears were starting to form again. Ano bang nangyayari sa `yo? Bakit ka ba sumisigaw? My eyes watered.

Hindi ako sumisigaw. Bakit ka ba kasi iyak ng iyak? Napanguso ako. Kung hindi pa sigaw na tawag `yun eh ano? So bulong pa `yun ganon ? Huwag kang makikiapid sa hindi mo asawa. Parang gusto ko ng magpalahaw ng iyak. Ito ba ang dahilan? Napasigok ako. Wala pa namang nangyayari sa `min ni Julian. Wala pa. Ang aga namang punishment nito. Hindi pa ako tapos sa drama ko I bit my lower lip. Can you please keep quiet? Lalong lumakas `yung hikbi ko. Huwag kang magbibintang at huwag kang magsisinungaling. Alam niyo naman po `yung white lies `di ba God? Huwag kang magnanasa sa hindi mo pag-aari. Ahm no comment ako dyan. Eh `di sana h indi mo sa `kin binigay si Julian! Ikaw din papa God ang may kasalanan. Huwag kang magnanasa sa hindi mo asawa. Ano ba Hindi ko naman pinagnanasaan si Ju lian ah. Iba ang admiration sa lust. Period. Julian Ano? Inis na lumingon siya sa `kin. Nakita kong nakapagpalit na siya ng damit. Bak it hindi ko man lang nakita? Tsk. Ano ba `yan Ang bilis naman! Kung ano ano kasi iniisip ko. Pinagnanasaan mo ba `ko? He was astonished at first. I could see that. No. Liars go to hell. I pouted prettily. Hinimas-himas ko `yung puson ko. Does this me an I m going to hell also? I groaned inwardly. Mauuna ka sa `kin. I smirked and peer ed at the scenery outside. Wala naman masyado. Malls. Establisments. My eyes grew wide. Naramdaman kong may humihimas ng tyan ko. Nagiging habit na a ta niya `yun ah. So sinamantala ko na, I put his hand on the spot just below my ( `wag kulay berde) tummy. Sa puson. Ano ba kasing masakit? Gusto kong mapaantanda. Julian s voice became tender. Sumanda l ako sa upuan at hinimas niya `yung parte kung saan ko nilagay `yung kamay niya . Weird, but his touch lessened the pain. Ang hirap maging babae. Grabe. Mom told me that there would be times like this you getting emotional on me. He sighed. Bac kaches, mood swings I snorted. Mood swings? Mero Buntis ka rin? Inirapan ko siya. Muntik na `ko dun. Tap os bigla siyang tumawa. Oh, my God. Are you sure this one was Julian? He was lau ghing cheerfully. Not one of those demon laughs of his. The lines around his chink y eyes became soft. Parang bumata siya ng isang taon. Isa lang bata pa naman tala ga siya. Hindi ko napansin na nakatulog na pala ako. Naramdaman ko na lang na may yumuyug yog sa balikat ko. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Someone pinched my nose. Ano ba! I hated it. Parang tumataas ang altapresyon ko. Jeannie, we re here! My teeth clenched. Pabalibag na tinanggal ko ang kamay niya sa balikat ko kahit disoriented pa `ko. I didn t care when he stared at me in confusion. NAIA? Oh, no please don t tell me we were going away again? Where on earth would you drag me now? After Angko Parang gusto kong kainin ang dila ko. There was so much pain written in Julian s face. Of course, he didn t and would n t show it ever. But I saw through his faade. Men never wanted to be termed weak a nd emotional. Gusto nila sila ang hari. Mga walang puso. Let s go. Naghihikab na sumunod lang ako sa kanya. Tricia? Promise, biglang nawala `yung antok ko. Naghahyperventilate pa `yung hormo nes ko. She smiled at me. Tumaas ang kilay ko. Hindi ko pa naman sinasabing supe r okay na kami ah. Assuming! I rolled my eyes. Masama talaga epekto sa `kin `pag -FOOL moon. I thought you re not coming. Nakapamulsa si Julian. Awkward. Of course not. He cleared his throat. Honey I Ahem! Lumingon sila sa `kin. Tumango lang ako as if saying go on . Tricia I m sorry. He whispered. Honey AHEM!

Julian glared at me. I looked at my nails innocently. Kasi naman may pangalan nam an `yung tao. I swore I heard Tricia giggled. Tapos lumapit siya sa `kin. Nagulat ako when she hugged me. Niyakap niya `ko! Tumaas `yung kilay ko dun. Take good care of him. S ometimes he thought he knows what he s doing. We re just one of those cases of childh ood Korean sweethearts. In short, walang choice. Talaga? Oo naman. Our families expected us to marry since we were kids. How absurd no I nodded. Too happy. Friends? Yeah. Friends! When you come back to New York, do tell me. Sana ma-solve mo na `y an. Suminghot ulit ako. Julian looked at me in horror. Ano namang akala niya gagawin ko `yung ginawa ko sa kanya kay Tricia? I smirked. Lumapit ulit si Tricia kay J ulian. Nagyakap sila. Wala na namang problema sa `kin `yun eh. She smiled at me. Okay lang? A token of farewell. Ha? Before I knew it. She kissed Julian on the mouth! Just a peck. But a kiss is a kiss! Then she started giggling as she took her bags with her. The nerve! Akala ko ba friends na kami? Julian waved at her. I was really rooted on the ground. O, ano p ang tinatayo tayo mo diyan? Uwi na tayo. Ang kapal! I tried to calm my nerves. Humarap siya sa `kin. I saw red. Argh. As in a smudge of red lipstick on the side of his lips. What? Do you know where I can buy a doll? His one brow arched. What for? Ipapakulam kita! You and Tricia.

TWELVE How would I continue with the plan if my fvcking hormones were raging on? Gusto kong magpagulong gulong sa pamimilipit sa sakit. Dysmenorrhia, layuan mo `ko! Mi nsan nga naiisip ko ipatanggal ko na lang kaya `yung uterus ko? Kaso kawawa naman sila mommy. Hindi sila magkakaroon ng apo mula sa pinakamaganda nilang anak. Sy empre second lang si Jean. Makakaangal pa ba siya eh, wala naman siya dito? I sighed. My God I was going crazy with pain. I wanted to die. As in NOW. Bulong ko habang sakay kami ni Julian pabalik. It was only four in the afternoon. Julian raised his brow. Gusto mong pumunta sa heaven? He pursed his lips teasingly. Hindi ko sinasadyang mapatingin sa labi niya. Hind i ko sinasadya! I gritted my teeth. Inirapan ko siya. Oh, what have I done again? He sighed impatiently. Hindi ko siya pinansin. May excuse ako para magkaganito. Meron argh, buntis ako. H inimas himas ko ulit `yung puson ko. Ipinikit ko `yung mata ko. Then I heard my phone ringing. H-hello? Jeannie! Ano?! Shopping tayo. Ayoko. Full moon.

Narinig kong bumuntunghininga si CM. Who s that? No one. Ingos ko sa kay Julian. I said Sige na Jeannie shopping na tayo. Naintindihan mo ba ayoko ngan My eyes grew wide. Stupid. Bakit ba ako nagsuot ng pa lda? `Yung hanggang kalahating hita ko pa. Badtrip. I saw red! No Naiiyak na bulong ko. Nag-iisa na nga lang ang sanitary pad ko sa bag ko. I need to buy a nine-mo nth package. Ugh, wait! Nine months? Kelangan malaki na tyan ko nun. I mean kelan gan manganak na `ko Don t worry Jeannie. I called Dr. Lee yesterday I asked her kung pwede kang i-ceasa rian. Ceasarian? As in hiwa. Seryoso ba ito? I looked at his face. Seryoso nga! Napahaw ak agad ako sa stain sa bandang crotch ko. I gulped. He would submit me to the k nife. Eh Julian, He raised one brow and read the newspaper. T-takot ako sa karayom. A t sa kutsilyo. Hello Jeannie! I ll go shopping with you later. Nanghihinang sabi ko na ikinalingon ni Julian. Afte r CM gave me the details where to the line went disconnected. Who s that? CM. Didn t I tell you not to talk to him again? Manong punta po tayo sa S. Mall. Sumandal ulit ako. No. We go home. Manong bababa na po ako. Jeannie! He shouted authoritatively. The hell I care. His bark was always worse th an his bite. Kung sa mga ganong klase ka ng tao sasama baka kung ano ano mapulot mong kalokoha n. Who on earth would give a con contraceptives as a gift? Nakikita kong lalong pan iningkit ng mga mata nito. Pano kung sabihin ko sa kanyang nag-suggest si CM na i-french kiss ko siya. Matuwa kaya siya? In the states it is very common! Sigaw ko. So? Nasa Pilipinas tayo Jeannie! And who on earth would kiss a friend on the lips? He cleared his throat. Tapos umiwas ng mata na parang nahuli ko sa akto. Nahuli ko naman talaga sila ah! We just got used to it. You got used to kissing a friend on the lips? Namamangha kong sabi. Tricia is my ex! Until you came along. Eh, kaya nga diba? Nandun ako! I saw her kissed you. Fine. It was just a kiss. Ah ganon. Sa huli ako pa rin ang sinunod ni manong at pumunta kami sa S. Mall. N ew establishment. It was huge and big. Nagtataka lang ako what does S stand for? Anong gagawin natin dito? His lips twitched at the corner. In amusement? Malamang magsha-shopping. Inis na bumaba ako. I heard his footsteps behind me. Tap os hinigit niya `yung braso ko. Bakit ka pa magsha-shopping? At ano naman ang ipa ng-shopping mo aber? May pera ka ba? My mouth turned into a big O. Anong silbi mo? I rolled my eyes heavenward. Umuwi na tayo. You cannot stop me. Try me. Bakit pag-aari mo na rin ba `tong mall ha? Ha. Grabe. Feeling ko lalo akong dudugu in kay Julian. Fifteen minutes. Lecheng si CM. He told me to meet up! Then what he was late. He was going to get a tongue lashing from me. Sinisiguro kong mababaon siya ng buhay sa mura ko. Jul ian grabbed my hand. Before I knew it, he was leading me to a a baby section. Oh, no. Julian, nagpapanic kong sabi. Wait lang Julian! What? Virgin ka pa ba?

Julian was shocked. HAHA. Excuse me? Gigil na sabi nito. And why do you ask? Kasi demonyo ka. At sabi nila ang mga demonyo daw virgin pa. What the hell Kasi hindi ka pwedeng pumunta sa heaven. Tumawa ako sa sarili kong joke. At siya? Tinitigan niya lang ako. No, nakatanga lang siya sa `kin. Biglang umayos ako ng tayo. Parang ang corny ata ng joke ko. Hindi bumenta. Baka hinihintay na tayo ni CM. Julian He picked up a feeding bottle. Pink or blue? Ha? Hindi pa nga natin alam `yung gender `di ba? My voice trembled. Bwisit na buha y `to. Biglang lumapit ang saleslady sa `min. She smiled sweetly at Julian. Takp an ko kaya ng sako ang mukha ni Julian? Artistahin? Kaya lalong lumalaki ang ulo nito. Sir, wife niyo po? At feeling close! Julian smiled back at her. No. She s my mistress. I gasped aloud. Ang kapal! Excuse me lang ha Parang lalabas `yung dugo ko. Kung tot oong buntis lang ako baka nakunan ako sa sobrang bwisit kay Julian. Masama pa na mang ginagalit ang babaeng kabuwanan. Inis na naglalakad pa `ko. I was about to pick up a a pair of baby shoes when a hand caught mine. Pareho pala kami ng kuku nin. Inis na tinignan ko kung sinomang intrimitid It was like I was looking into my own wide eyes, my face, everything save that it wasn t me! Jean?! Jeannie? Para kaming naestatwa. Ano bang dapat kong sabihin? Hey, long time no see twin? Jeannie We both slowly turned at the voice. Promise, pareho kaming nagkulay papel ng kap atid ko. Unti-unti akong napatingin sa tyan niya. Manipis pa `yun. Pero meron mer on God, kill me now! I whispered. Julian frowned. Parang naguluhan. Julian! I forced a smile upon my face. He stared fixedly at Jean. You never told me your sister s here. Paano ko sasabihin sa`yo eh, hindi ko rin alam?! Ahmm Napalunok ako. H-hi s-sorry I wasn t able to to come to your wedding. Kauu wi ko lang. Kahapon. Yes, ri ght, Jean? Pinanlakihan ako ng mata ng kakambal ko. Gusto ko siyang sakalin. Juli an squinted his eyes. Yumakap ako sa bewang niya. Na parang natatakot akong bawi in siya sa `kin ni Jean. Oh, wait `Di ba dapat maging masaya ako? Yeah kauuwi niya lang kahapon Julian. Jean nette is very busy. She s also pregnant? Jean and I both looked stupidly at the baby shoes. Ah yeah? At ikaw ang ama! Sumasakit `yung puson ko. At ngayon sumasakit `yung ulo k o. Pinaparusahan niyo ba talaga `ko God? Jeannie Jeannette, right? Lumingon siya sa `kin tapos kay Jean. Iisa lang `yun! Ako lahat `yun! Tsk. Nanlalaki ang mga mata ni Jean. He knew?! He called you Jeannie! She mouthed when Julian s back was turned to her. How many months? Napatingin ito sa tyan ni Jean. Two and three weeks. Parang nanghihinang napakapit ako kay Julian. Funny same with you Jeannie. Ah yeah. Let s have lunch together. No! No! Halos mag-duet kami ng kapatid ko. We shook our heads in unison. Jean? Let s What the hell was happening? I almost groaned aloud. May lalaking paparating. I didn t know him. For the life of me, I couldn t sprout any more lies. He was eyeing me and Jean. He was with Jean! Vince? Vincent Gonzalo? Julian hissed. Ano bang meron? Parang feeling ko mahihimat ay na `ko kahit anong oras. Meron pa bang surprise? Ano pa ba? But my, hindi nak

aligpas sa pansin ko magaling talagang pumili ang kapatid ko. This one was oozing sex appeal. He wasn t handsome but he was sexy. Jean Bulong ko at hinila ko siya ng onti palayo. Sino `yan? In fairness yummy ha. Hey The guy s mouth twitched sarcastically. I forgot I was stepping into the great Juli an Sunico s lair. He laughed humorlessly. Hindi ko na kailangang maging genius para malamang they weren t in good terms. What the hell are you doing here? Julian stepped forward in anger. Bumalik ako sa tabi ni Julian. Vince let s go. Jean took his hand. Were they together? Obviously. Jean nette. Sasakalin talaga kita `pag tumakas ka pa! Jean honey, why don t you tell our lover boy here what we re doing here. Jean? Napalingon ito sa `ming dalawa. Oh, no Lucifer and Michael met. So who s Michael? Definitely not Julian.

THIRTEEN Was it the end of the world? Was it a clash of good and evil? Kung alam niyo lan g, dinadasalan ko na ang lahat ng santo. Tinatawag ko na si Darna at si Batman. Pati ata si Sailormoon. Pero wala talaga! I could only save me, myself and I. Julian I Vincent may pupuntahan pa tayo `di ba? My twin, Jean wagged the man s arm. Halata ko ang takot sa mga mata niya. The guy smirked at him. Ang sarap hampasin ng mga i nsensitive na lalaki sa mundo. Iumpog ang ulo sa pader para matauhan. We re not yet through Sunico. Julian gave him a mocking smile. Afraid of the little woman? Oh The tough Vincent Gonzalo was afraid of his... wife? You ve never bested me before what now? Inilahad nito ang kamay. Conceited jerks! To our astonishment Vince started laughing. Wife? Hinawakan ito ng mariin ni Jean. You promised me She whispered. No. More like plead ed. Gusto kong lumubog sa kinatatayuan. I was wishing the floor would cave in and ea t me whole. Vince grinned maliciously at me. By God, he knew. Anong pangako iyon? Napatingin ako sa kakambal ko. She was just shaking her head. Julian Hinawakan ko ang braso niya. Pero tinabig lang niya `ko. I opened my mouth t o shout at him. Vince `yung tyan ko! Jean sobbed and cupped her stomach gently. Pati ako hindi malaman ang gagawin. The two men looked astounded. Lumapit agad a ko sa kakambal ko. Niyakap ko siya. Bigla akong natakot. Kahit na nga ba gusto k ong sakalin ang kapatid ko kahit na nga ba minsan hiniling kong sana una ko na la ng nakilala si Julian kaysa sa kanya. I wasn t that bad to wish for her to have a miscarriage. Foul `yun no. I play fair. Julian! I screamed in panic. Vince looked at my sister in mixture of shock and hor ror. Gusto ko silang pagumpugin dalawa. I ll call you. Jeannie I won t go back to Julia n. Ever. Bulong niya. Natatakpan ko siya mula sa mga lalaki kaya hindi nila narin ig. Then she purred groaned aloud. Napangiwi ako at nag-aalalang tinignan ang hit a niya kung may sign ng dugo. That took Vince out of his reverie. Mabilis nitong niyakap si Jean at binuhat. M ay tatlong lalaki sa likod nila ang dumating out of nowhere. Bodyguards. I opened my mouth to say goodbye. Then Jean winked at me! My jaw almost dropped. I was an idiot. I should have known. Ngayon ko lang na-re alize. Talaga bang nasa pamilya na namin ang sinungaling? Or we were just made t o be a good actress? I felt a caress on my back. Marahan akong lumingon. Don t worry about her. Vince ma y be a bastard son of a bi tch. But he s responsible. For years, lagi na lang siya n akikipagkompitensya sa `kin. He even courted Tricia. He smirked. I don t know if I s hould be thankful he didn t get to seduce my wife. Muntik na akong mapaubo. If you only knew Julian.Kung sa bagay, kung i-seseduce

niya `ko. Hindi ako ipokrita para sabihing hindi ako mate-tempt. I smiled sheepi shly. Landi. You didn t tell me they re together? Hindi pa rin talaga ako pinapabayaan ni God my phone started ringing. Halleluja, praise the lord. CM? I love you! Julian glared at me. He took my hand and gave me keys. What s this? Obvious ba? Susi ng sasakyan. He hissed and turned his back on me. Julian where are you goi The driver already went home. You should be at home before seven. Tinanggal nito a ng rolex wrist watch at ibinato sa `kin. Muntik ko ng hindi masalo. Walang modo talaga! Anong akala niya sa `kin? Bata? May curfew? At saka I gritted my teeth, m arunong naman akong tumingin ng oras no. I don t have money! Isasangla ko `tong relo mo! I shouted after him. Starbucks. So she s pregnant? With Julian? CM sipped his Caffe Mocha. Pasabunot na itinukod ko ang kamay sa round table. I guess so? I told him everythi ng there was. Tumaas lang `yung kilay niya. Tapos ipinilantik niya `yung kamay. F rom the looks of it, mukhang hindi mo na talaga maibabalik si Jean. Which means y ou re going to live forever as her. Pabalewalang sabi nito. Libre mo `ko ha. Then he ordered another beverage. Siya itong nag-aya aya tapos ako manlilibre?! Mahiya ka naman sa lalamunan mo. Magka-tonsilitis ka sana. And she s with Vincent Gonzalo. Really? Biglang lumaki ang mata nito. He was a chic, ahem, business magnate. Kalaba ng mortal ng mga Sunico. Talaga? Wow. I didn t know that. Buti ka pa friend, hindi halatang tsismosa. Very observant lang. Sabi nila the Gonzalos were bankrupt by the Sunicos. Ngayon pa lang bumabawi. He shrugged nonchalantly. Tapos nanlaki ang mga mata na tumingi n sa `kin. He smiled fishily. What! There were so many untold stories here. Sabihin mo kay Jean ibalato na lang sa `kin `yung isa. See? Ibinigay niya sa `yo si Julian. Sa kanya si Vince which leaves Brad alone. Akin na lang siya! Hindi si ya magugutom sa `kin promise. Parang kinikiliting tumili ito. Napatingin ang isan g babae dito na kanina pa titig na titig kay CM. Inirapan ito ni CM. CM if Jean won t come back. I have to be pregnant. Pero kung kung mabubuntis naman ako . Delicadeza na lang `di ba? Ano `yun `yung mga anak naming mag-pinsan na magkapa tid pa? Ang sagwa `di ba? Tama. At isipin mo na lang kambal kayo. You have the same features. Tapos iisa ng tatay paglabas non, for sure mukha ding kambal. Ay, bongga alam mo naman tayong m agaganda Nahirinan ako dun. I stared at him stupidly. Parang ayaw mag-process ng brain ce lls ko. Magkape ka na nga lang para kabahan ka naman sa mga pinagsasasabi mo. Sabihin ko na lang kaya? I was getting frustrated. He nodded. Sabihin mo na, pero `wag mo `kong sisihin kung bakit nasa headlines ka bukas. Babae, pinatay ng asawa, nagsinungaling na buntis. Salamat ha, ang dami mong naitutulong eh, no? Teka nga nag hmm na ba kayo? Bumilog ang mga mata nito at lumapit maigi ang mukha sa `kin. Napaatras naman ako. Anong hmm? My brain wasn t functioning well. I was addlebrained. Nag-ano, alam mo na `yun. `Yung ano Ngumuso ito. He put his two fingers together. Ano? Inis kong sabi. Hindi ko siya pinapansin. Ang slow mo naman Jeannie! `Yung tentenenententen. Then you ll scream at the peak JU LIAAAAN. My blush intensified. Feel na feel nito. He even demonstrated the expressions. Y uck. Gross. I opened my mouth to scream at him. CM just laughed at me. Nauna na `kong umuwi kay CM. Not because I was afraid of the dragon. But because

the princess also needed her precious rest. Syempre, ayokong lumaki ang eyebags ko, magkaroon ng maraming pimples. Ayokong mukhang stressed out. I sighed. It w as a good thing Jean and I both know how to drive. I was feeling drowsy. Ilang araw na ding hindi ako natutulog ng maayos. I drove faster than I should have. Wala sa loob ko. I was shocked when an overspeeding c ar on the side tipped its way toward me. Nakalimutan kong mag-slow down sa inter section. My heart hammered loudly. Hindi ba sabi nila kung mamamatay ka parang may mga scene kang makikita sa buhay mo? Mamamatay na ba `ko? God hindi pa talaga `ko ready. I cried out. I knew I cal led Julian s name. I wasn t so sure. God I have so many unfinished businesses. `Wag m una. Hindi pa ako nagbabayad sa mga pinagkakautangan ko sa New York. Hindi ko pa nabibigyan ng apo sina mommy. Hindi pa `ko prepared makita si San Pedro at saka God sabi nga ni CM hindi ko pa alam ang feeling ng nag-tetentenenententen. I star ted sobbing quietly. I lived my life spontaneously. I knew that there were endless problems but I stil l wanted to sur vive. It was too quickly. Mababangga ako! Pilit kong iniiwas ang sasakyan. Then I ende d up bumping a big trunk of a tree. I felt the impact of it. My head bumped the side window. The shards of glasses splintered on the side. At may biglang safety air balloon na lumobo sa harapan ko. It was suffocating me. The impact, emotion al stress, pain, and a lot more blended together. I was pulled deeper into a pit less hole of nothingness.

FOURTEEN Ito ang listahan ng mga kasalanan at kabutihan mo Was he serious? Sa sa langit na ba ako? I mean, sa langit ba ako pupunta? Para kasing hindi naman ` to heaven eh. Right minus wrong. Anong ibig niyong sabihin? Anak katawan lang ang iniiwan sa lupa hindi ang common sense. My eyes opened wide. Little did I know that St. Peter was also a philosopher. Meaning good minus bad? What the fu ck. Paano kung mas marami ang kasalanan ko? Eh `d i may utang pa `ko? I groaned. Pinilit ko namang maging mabait. Were you telling me that I shouldn t have followed those novels I so much liked? Sabi kasi nila mag pakatotoo. Hanapin mo ang sarili mo blah, blah, blah. `Yun naman ang ginawa ko. Plus one. My eyes were open wide. I stared incredulously at the shining bald head of St. P eter. Pati ba ang pagmumura counted na din? You can now take her. It was getting hot. No! Ibababa nila `ko sa impyerno. Magiging demonyo nga ako? Dahil virgin pa `ko. Ayaw nila akong papasukin sa heaven! Kasama si Julian. Argh . If only I had known, I should have seduced him sooner. Sana isinama na rin nil a `yung driver na nag-overspeeding. Jeannie Jeannie Did they know my name? Argh.

Jeannie Jeannie I slowly opened my eyes. There I saw my mom. Disoriented pa `ko. Pero pero nakiki ta ko na si mommy! I was panting so hard. No ribs broken. Sure ako dun. Wala ako ng maramdamang sakit. May ininject bang pampamanhid? She s out of danger. Actually, she s not even in the brink of danger. Only a small wo und on her forehead. Ngumiti ang doctor sa mommy ko. She was crying. Then I saw m y dad. God, how I missed my family. Naiiyak na niyakap ako ng daddy ko. Guilty ako. Bulong niya. I love you daddy, mommy. I whispered brokenly. Minsan, maiisip mong kailan mo din palang i-express ang nararamdaman mo sa kanila. What if it was too late? He smil ed at me and patted my head like the way he used to. My mommy was crying silentl y. Where s Julian? The door burst open. Speaking of the devil. My parents excused themselves. Are you okay? Natatarantang hinawakan niya ang buhok ko, ang mukha ko, ang katawan ko. He was skimming every part of me. Na para bang alam niya gagawin kung may s ugat nga ako! Hindi naman siya ang doctor. At saka niya lang siguro napansin na nandun nga ang doctor. Is she alright? My God. He was worried! I smiled eagerly as the doctor gave his prognosis. She s okay except for How about the baby? He cut him off frantically. My smile froze in place. My jaw became slacked. The doctor frowned. Excuse me Mr. Sunico there s no Oh my saving grace. Napakapit ako bigla sa puson ko. Sorry San Pedro, ibalato ni yo na po sa `kin `to. Saka na tayo magbilangan, mmkay? Anyway, blame my sister f or giving me this idea. Awww Pareho silang napatingin sa `kin. The doctor frowned e ven more. Doc, damn! I thought she s okay. What the fu ck s happening to my wife? Sumisigaw na sab i ni Julian. Parang nataranta ang doctor sa galit nito. I winced. Parang na-guil ty naman ako. Tsk. I don t know. Is she having a miscarriage? Sigaw ulit nito. I moaned aloud and curled into a fet al position. `Yung natatakpan ang mukha ko. Gusto kong matawa na matakot kay Jul ian. Ambad ko. Baby? Mr. Sunico, there s no bab Kumapit ako sa braso ng doctor. He frowned at me. Kinuha ang stethoscope. My nai ls dug deeper into his arm. Then I blinked thrice, for his sake. Grabe, parang h indi niya nagegets! Naiiyak na `ko sa gigil. I want my mommy. I hissed at Julian. Please Julian. Call mom my Parang hesitant pa itong tumakbo palabas. When the door closed I took the doctor s hand. Please, I have no time to explain doc. It s a matter of life and . death? Napan giwi ako. Totoo naman ah. Papatayin ako ni Julian. Mumultuhin ako ni Angko. What ever. Whichever comes first. Anyway, just pretend the babe s okay. Please. Malaki utang na loob ko sa inyo doc. He stared at me incredulously. Ahmm free shopping spree at S. Mall! I smiled charmingly. `Yung winner na smile ng close-up. Kung hindi pa siya madaan sa santong dasalan, sa santong paspasan na l ang. Biglang bumukas ang pinto. As soon as the doctor gave me his promise I persuade Julian to take me home. Wal a naman talaga akong sugat. No nothing. Tapos super bait niya, parang hindi tot oo. It was as if Julian was possessed by some good spirit. Nakakokonsensya na ng a ako. Tulog, kain, higa, nood tv, basa ng novels. Nag-movie marathon ako. In all fairness, may DVD version na ang Romeo and Juliet . Hindi ko alam kung bakit ito ang ipinahiram sa `kin ng hitad kong bestfriend. Iniisip ba niyang iinom din ako ng lason para lang makasama ko si Julian? The wo rst is, baka ako pa ang lasunin ni Julian. What are you watching? I got engrossed. I tsked. I couldn t help it. Oh, my Leonardo Dicaprio s yummy. Naii nggit tuloy ako sa gumanap na Juliet. I bit my lower lip sa sobrang gigil. Tapos

niyakap ko `yung unan ng mahigpit. Then I sighed. Mayamaya lang Julian sat on t he bed beside me. Hindi ko pinansin ang pandidiri sa mukha niya. Care ko, basta gwapo si Romeo. I wondered why men turned away when things get mushy or better yet emotional. Wh en in fact, they were always the one who resorted to cuddling. Laway mo tumutulo Julian swiped an invisible saliva down the side of my lips. Ingos na tinabig ko `yung kamay niya. Inggit lang siya wala sa kanya `yung atens yon ko. Mayamaya lang, we were both silently watching. I snuggled close to Julia n. Hindi ko napansin na nilagay niya `yung braso niya sa likod ng ulo ko. O, sig e na. Napansin ko pero kunwari wala lang pero deep inside I was like, hell move a little bit closer baby. Siguro nahiya lang siya so for his sake I inched closer. I leaned my head in the cove of his neck. I couldn t help but sigh pleasurably. One advantage of being rich. Plasma ang tv. Napatitig talaga ako sa eksena sa party. Juliet was leading Romeo into a dance kis s. Na para bang sinasabing habulin mo `ko . Titig na titig ako. Parang feeling ko a ko ang naaatat na hatakin si Leonardo at papakin. I shivered delightedly.Goodnes s, I was having kinky thoughts. Tapos sa swimming pool scene. Naalala ko bigla k ami ni Julian. I was imagining that Julian was Romeo and Juliet was of course me. At si Tricia, aber? I snorted. Siya si Rosaline! Siya `yung first forgotten love . Then they were like kissing, ugh eating each other in the pool. Natuwa ako kasi mu ka talagang inosente `yung gumanap na Juliet. Akalain mo `yun. She kept telling no, while she kept moving her lips to and fro against Romeo s. Tsk. Despite her in nocent face was a great k-i-s-s-e-r. Sosyal, dinaig pa `ko. Siguro kahit ako din naman, basta siya magtuturo sa `kin. Fast-learner kaya ako. Tuwang-tuwa talaga ako sa palabas na `to. I d hug CM when we meet again. Then they fell into the water again when they declared their undying love. Nakatanga talaga ako. They were kissing underwater! I wished Leonardo would kiss me like th There s a rumor that he s gay. I gasped aloud. Give Julian the credit to ruin my fantasy. Gee, thanks. Inis na dumiretso na `ko ng upo. Lumayo-layo si Juliet. Nagpapakipot na naman. Kesyo mali daw `yun. Sus, if I know kung anong bawal siyang masarap. N abitin ako nung tinawag ng nursemaid si Juliet. Romeo is stupid. Excuse me? Ayoko ng pakinggan pa kung ano na namang panlalait ang maririnig ko kay Julian. I said he s stupid. At bakit? Ni hindi man lang naka-home base kay Juliet bago ipainom `yung lason. I gasped so very loud than the first time. Naka-home base kaya! Ayan oh, honeymoon na nila. Dumila pa `ko sa kanya. Then a sm ile slowly inched its way to the corner. Napalunok ako. Hindi ko gusto `yung ngi sing `yun ni Julian. Umusod ako palayo. I forgot all about our honeymoon. His voic e became husky. Alam mo `yun my hair on the nape stood on ends. Then you re the one who s stupid! Had I really said that? Yeah, right stupid. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street na lang ang panoorin natin. He smil ed evilly. I groaned aloud. Pasalamat siya kung yummy si Leonardo DiCaprio mas h ot para sa `kin si Johnny Depp. I d tell you, I wasn t very particular with the chin itos. My mobile started ringing. Hello? Jean Rose Leviste? Irene here. May reunion nga pala tayo. FIFTEEN Make love to me

What? You heard me make love to me. NOW. Sinabi ko iyon na parang nagdedemand lang ng fla vor ng chupachups. Umiling ito. This is not you. What s gotten into you? Masamang espiritu. So, is it a yes or a no? No. Fine. I won t effin waste my time on somebody who s not worth it. Galit na binalibag ko ang pinto. I wiped the threatening tears away. He grabbed my arm. This. Is. Not. You. Kailangan pa bang ulit-ulitin niya `yun? Alam ko. I m a big time loser. More more My God, I was actually purring. Me? I slithered my body against him. Hell yeah, like a cat. Last night ko na `to. Gee I rocked my hips back in forth to the rhythm. I would dance the night away like it would be my last time. No. My FIRST TIME. You re drunk. Masyado ka ng madaming naiinom. Goodness, I didn t know a mere whisper in the ear could feel ticklish. Ahm I m suppose d to be drunk. And happy. And sexy Kaya nga tinawag itong bar `di ba? I stupidly c raned my neck. Oh boy, I wasn t that drunk, was I? He s got gray eyes. I couldn t be m istaken. Wanna ride with me boyo? Parang may sariling isip ang bibig ko. Grabe lakas ng tam a sa `kin ng martini. Ilang shots pa lang. His lips twitched on the side. Hell, who wouldn t? No wonder Julian got dibs on you. I bet you re feeling fvcking hot? And dir ty. Yes. A helluva way to say it. Feeling ko ang dumi-dumi ko. Pero hindi ba `yun naman dapat ang maramdaman ko? Hindi ako ito. When the man swayed me back and forth I felt his rock hard body poking againt mine. I gasped a little. Para akong nakuryente. Hindi ako. Hindi ako. Hindi ako. You promised me! You promised me you won t hurt Julian. I felt my eyes widening. Out of the blue, Angko was staring down at me. He was s tanding there. Tapos lumapit siya sa `kin. What was happening? Parang umiikot an g paligid ko. Angko knelt down the side of the bed and touched my stomach. He shook his head. Don t hurt him. You promised me! She was sweating coldly. Napaupo ako bigla at napa-sign of the cross. Seryoso ba si Angko? Minumulto nga ako nito! I was trembling violently. Lumingon lingon ak o. Madilim ang buong paligid. Ang sama talaga ng ugali ni Julian! Ni hindi man l ang binuksan ang lamp shade bago umalis. Marahan akong umupo. What the hell were those dreams all about? there was a woman with no face. Or Was it me? Then ther e was Angko. Kinakarma na ba talaga `ko? Hindi na `ko nakatulog. Sino ba? Parang naririnig ko pa rin ang boses ni Angko. Parang gusto niya na talaga akong isama sa dako paroon kung hindi ko gagawin ang gusto niya. I bit my lower lip then I sniffed. Ano `yun? Insenso seryoso ba tala ga si Angko? Kinilabutan ako. Someone tapped my shoulder from beh I screamed. Angko! Jean? Uncle Bert? I gritted my teeth. Sorry ahm, good morning? G morning. Have you seen Julian? I shook my head. Nakita ko siya kanina paalis. I waved at him. Did you know what he did? Nilagpasan niya lang ako. Humahabol ata sa buwanang dalaw ko. I rolled my eyes ceilingward. Not that it was unusal. Magsakit-sakitan kaya ako ulit? Bak a sakaling bumait pa siya. Hindi kaya nagkakamali si Angko ng pagpaparamdaman? I absent-mindedly touched my stomach.

Are you okay? I nodded. Tapos nakita ko ang isang make-shift altar. Picture ni Angko! I almost groaned aloud. It was as if he were smiling at me. More like taunting me. Angko nas a heaven ka na ba? Lagot ka kay papa God. Do you want me to continue lying to yo ur grandson? I whispered. Para akong baliw na kinakausap ang larawan niya. What did you say? Ahm nothing. I smiled up at him. Anong meron uncle? Then I heard a loud giggle. I closed my eyes in frustration. Imo Jean! Dyos ko pina pahirapan mo ba talaga `ko? Gigil na lumingon ako kay Tantan, Celine, Aunt Risan at sa iba pa. They were here! Didn t Julian tell you? It was Angko s birthday today. We had a family dinner. And I d tell you. Julian was sulky and withdrawn. Hindi si ya makausap ng mommy niya, eh di ako pa kaya? He just kept shrugging his shoulde r whatever I asked of him. Minsan nga gusto ko ng ibato sa kanya `yung pinggan. My phone vibrated. One text message. Meet me up here in Butter Diner s now. I ll only be waiting for about an hour. Sender: Kambal ko. I opened my mouth in astonishment. Grabe, ang demanding! I couldn t just I gritted my teeth. Kailangan ko siyang makausap. Uncle I have to ran an errand for my twin. She s ahm here in the country. They all agreed. Wala naman silang sinabing masama d ahil tapos na rin naman ang dinner. At isa pa one valid reason `yun para makalay o kay Tantan. I winced. Julian I m going. I looked him in the eyes. At ang ginawa niya: He just shrugged at me! As if I could go anywhere for all he cared in the world. Nakakahiya naman sa `kin, ni hindi man lang ako tinanong kung san ako pupunta o kung anong oras ako uuwi. I glared at him. Mamaya, I d give him a Cold War. `Wag niya kong papansinin! I wou ldn t talk to him. EVER. Jean and I had a long talk. I was getting tired of everything. I sighed and took a step or two on the landing of the first floor. Tapos nakasalubong ko siya, he was holidng something long and big covered with black cloth. He just walked pas t me as if I weren t there. Ni hindi man lang nagtanong kung buhay pa `ko. Malay b a niya kung ghost lang akong gumagala gala. I wouldn t wonder now why Julian never saw the difference. He was always immersed in his agony. Masyado siyang seryoso sa buhay. Where are you going? He just waved his hand. Gigil na tumakbo ako. He was putting his things on his C adillac two-seater convertible. He didn t even ask me if I could join him. Even fo r decency s sake! Walang sabi-sabing umupo ako sa passenger seat. Don t ask me what am I doing. Sasama ako. Period. I crossed my arms over my chest. I want to be alone. Napaka-insensitive mo. Hindi mo ba naiintindihan `yun? I gasped. Me? Insensitive? My God. Talk about morons here. I zipped my mouth. Ba ka kung ano pa ang maisip kung sabihin sa kanya. He drove for miles and miles. T umigil kami sa bandang Tagaytay. I think? It was overlooking the Taal lake. Geez ers, why didn t he tell me? Nakapagdala man lang sana ako ng sketchpad. Even from here the lampposts lit the view, overlooking the lake. Ang ganda. `Yun nga lang. Medyo nakakatakot kasi deserted siya at gabi na. Iba din ang trip nitong si Jul ian. What s that? Deadma. Telescope? Deadma. I clapped my hands. Magii-stargazing tayo? Parang balewalang tumingala siya at sumilip na sa malaking telescope niya. Tayo. That was my operative word. Mali, mali. Siya lang pala! I was like a ghost. Inis na sinipa ko ang gulong ng mamahaling convertible niya. Paulit-ulit. Nakakainis

ka. Alam mo ba `yun? Sigaw ko sa sasakyan. Akala mo kung sino ka laging magaling. Lumakad ito. At nilagpasan siya! Kumuha ng sandwich mula sa basket. Wow. He wolf ed down the food and got himself busied again. Na para bang wala ako dito! At si ya lang ang tao sa mundo. Napakawalang hiya mo. You re a beast! I hate you! I hate you! You don t care about ot hers feelings. Sana tubuan ka ng kulugo. Ng pigsa sa sa ilong! Sana pumangit ka. Sa na sana I was already panting from exhaustion. Sumasakit na rin ang toes ko kakasip a. Ang tibay naman ng gulo. Bakit hindi ka minumulto ni Angko? Parang hindi ka pi nalaking maayos I felt a tight grip on my wrist. It was a vise-like that I thought my blood stop ped flowing to my hand. I was looking straight into his eyes. Namimilog ang mga tsinitong mga mata nito. He gritted his teeth. Ni hindi ko alam kung dapat ba ako ng matakot. How many times had I seen him this mad? This furious? You don t know what you re talking about. Angko loves me Ikaw? What do you know? It was a mere whisper but it sounded like thunder in my ears. You got me hitched into t his this mess. If his eyes were daggers I could have been dead right now. Lagi mo na lang akong sinasaktan. He smiled at me. Evilly. Tapos itinulak niya `ko. I tumbled on the passenger seat of the Cadillac. Nakabu kas na ang pinto noon. Nasaktan ang siko ko sa pagtama sa manibela. Pausog ako n g pausog hanggang sa makarating na `ko sa driver s seat. Ang mga paa ko ay nakalap at sa passenger s seat. He took my shoes off. My eyes were so wide to the extent t hat it hurt. I was like a cornered rat. Nowhere to go. He was kneeling, my legs were trapped between his knees. Julia Pilit kong binubuksa n ang pinto sa likod ko. When I flailed, my arms accidentally bumped onto the ho rn. His mouth cracked a maligned smile. Sabihin ko kayang meron ako? Pero tapos n a period ko. At saka he knew that pregnant wives don t bleed. Go ahead make some noise. Habang ang mukha niya ay palapit ng palapit sa `kin. No! Lagi kitang sinasaktan? Now He murmured against my cheek. I kept pushing his chest. Ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko, hindi kaya naririnig din niya iyon? I ll give you pl easure, darling. My lawfully wedded and bedded wife. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Was he serious? Had he gone mad? He cupped my cheek and pulled me closer. This wasn t my ideal wedding night! I was going to scream that. But his mouth was there already claiming what he thought was rightfully his. I could feel him all over me. Against me. Julia n His kisses turned soft. Not the way he always used to. Not rough and forceful . This time it was a mating of two souls. Kissing like there d be no tomorrow. He rained tiny kisses on the side of my face, on my jawlines. He was too big for th e limited space provided by the Cadillac. My mind went fuzzy. Were we going to r eally do it here? Out in the open? He bit my lower lip and nibbled on it like a candy he couldn t get enough of. I op ened my eyes and saw the stars above. The sky was so dark but the stars were twi nkling brightly. I even thought it winked at me. I felt the cold wind againt my skin. He opened the buttons one by one. Skin skin i nch by inch uncovered. I gripped the car seat tight. So tight my knuckles were w hite yet my cheeks were burning hot. I sucked in my breath. My lungs were starti ng to lack the oxygen it needed. Was it suffocation? I need you There were no love words only the brutal truth. Had the wind only carried it to my ears? Or was my imagination playing tricks on me? I was hesitant to open my e yes. It might not be true. Ganon ata talaga ka-tanga ang main-love. You d wish upo n a star. You willed yourself to believe. Masakit. Because need was different fr om love. I breathed in and out. Here on the car seat. It was wild. Hot. Spontaneous. And scary. We were like teenagers on our first da te. There was the thrill of being caught. He stood before me naked as the day he was born. Sometimes words weren t needed. A t least now, he was loving me. I couldn t breathe. He was touching me everywhere.

There. Here. Again and again. Oh, lord rape na ba talaga ito? He outlined my shoulder blades then down... down to my flat stomach. We kissed u rgently. I heard the unsnapping of jeans. I wasn t so sure if I even helped him to ok it off. Hindi kami gaanong makakilos. Then he started chuckling on my neck. H e was heavy againt me. Hindi niya alam kung paano `pagkasyahin ang sarili niya. Plinano niya siguro ito? Oh, boy he should have brought a bulkier vehicle. Then f rom afar we heard the mewling of My hair stood on ends as his breath fanned my nec k. Was I really ready for this? Was I ready to go heaven? I shut my eyes as I gasped. He drove deep into me. He stilled against me. We were one. Tumaas ang mukha nito. Sana hindi ko na lang nakita ang mga mata niya. His foreh ead was beaded with sweat. You lied to me. Gone was the passion. He took me in anger. I kept pushing me to get off me. Para akong mahahati sa gitna sa sobrang sakit.

It hurt like hell. I couldn t take it him anymore. I fainted. SIXTEEN The first time is usually, if not always, painful. Para iyong karayom na pinilit mong ipasok ang yarn. Pero sa kaso ko, it really hurt like hell. He took me in anger with no amount of gentleness. Parang dalawang metal na nagkiskis na hindi man lang nilagyan ng grasa. Nagasgas. I felt sore all over. I slowly opened my e yes. I wanted to cry and tell him how awful it was. Pero bakit ko siya bibigyan ng satisfaction at malaman niyang nanalo siya? Sinaktan niya `ko. Not just physically but emotionally scraped. Walang pakialam na nagbihis ako sa harap niya. Ano pa bang mawawala sa `kin? I f elt so violated. Why did you do it? He whispered angrily. His jeans were hanging low on his hips. Ni hindi nito nagawang i-snap iyon. He wasn t wearing his shirt. I smirked. Sa likod ng gwapong anyo niya ay nagtatago ang napakasamang ugali. He was an angel in di sguise. A devil s advocate. He was pacing to and fro frantically. Galit na sinuklay nito ang buhok. Why?! He shouted furiously. I was up to the last button when he turned around and faced me. Angry lines were visible. Nagngangalit ang ugat nito sa leeg sa pagpipigil. Well, I didn t care if he d murder me now. I didn t care if he

he punched the rearview mirror! I almost jumped in surprise. Almost. Nakita kong nagdurugo ang knuckles nito. `D i ba sinabi kong wala akong pakialam? WALA. I blindly sat on the passenger seat. Para akong tanga. Tulala. I heard him hissing beside me. Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto kong tumalon sa bangin. Gusto kong matulog at hindi na magising. I closed my eyes. Malay ko ba, baka mangyari `yun. Baka pakinggan ako ni God at maawa siya sa `kin. Ramdam ko pa rin ang basa sa baba ko. Idemanda ko kaya siya? I would scream I m a battered wife of Julian Sunico . May makinig kaya sa `kin? I didn t want to be a hypocrite. I wanted to kill him. Sunugin siya ng unti-unti. Like what happened to the cursed witches before. Would there be justice in killi ng him?

Ayoko siyang tignan. Ayo ko. He didn t even bother putting his shirt on. Parang hind i nito nararamdaman ang pag-agos ng dugo habang nagmamaneho ito. Was he immune t o pain already? At least they had something in common now. Nasa garahe na kami. Ni hindi ko man lang napansin. Why did you do that? bulong nito. You know what, when I first saw you crying at the hotel. I got attracted to you that first time. Hindi ako `yun Julian. You look so vulnerable and trusting. So innocent. Sana sana sinabi mo na lang sa `kin una pa man. Sana inutang mo na lang sa `kin ang pambili ng bahay niyo. Ours was a marriage made in hell. He hissed. I smiled mockingly. Yes. We re both devils, aren t we? Ang laki ng talo ko. Hindi ako kumibo. Ayoko ng sabihing bakit siya ba ang nasaktan? Siya ba ang nawa lan ng virginity? Kung sa bagay, what was a piece of flesh for a Sunico like him ? Kapirasong laman lang iyon. Nothing more. Nothing less. Baka kasi siya ang nawalan ng pinaka-iingatang dangal. Tahimik na bumaba ako ng sasakyan. Humarap ako sa kanya. He wasn t looking at me. Sige, magpanggap siyang wala ako. I smiled at him. Tinitigan ko ang leather seat. Talo? We re even. Bayad na `ko sa `yo. At galit na binalibag ko ang pintuan pasara. I heard him swore. The he called my name. I didn t turn around. Jeannie. He called me four times. What did he want this time? Humarap ako sa kanya. Before I knew it he threw my

underwear with brownish stain on it! I hate you. I wished we ve never met. Morning. I cried a river last night. Pabalibag na binuksan ko ang closet. I took my perso nal things and left those that weren t mine. Una pa man talaga never naman akin `t o. Kahit isa wala. It should have been Jean s. Everything. Butter Diner s. Jean what is this all about? Jeannie I m sorry. Hinawakan nito ang kamay ko. I thought I wouldn t forgive my sister for what she d done. Pero parang wala naman akong choice. She was my twin. Sorry sorry eh, kung batukan kaya kita riyan? Bakit mo ba kasi ginawa `yun? What wo uld I do now? We can t just trade places again. He s he s mine now. I winced. I swallowed an imaginary lump in my throat. Wala na `kong balak bumalik kay Julian. We can live like this forever. Are you mad? My baby it s not Julian s. I can t tell you everything. I I gasped. Para akong naguluhan. Was she talking in Latin? Parang sinabi niyang a lien ang nakabuntis sa kanya. Oh, my God. I shook my head. WHAT?! Seryoso? You you lied to us. To me? To Julian? You wanted him to father your baby? Oh my, God. Pinigilan ko ang kamay kong masakal ang kapatid ko. Baka hindi ko siya matantya. I thought she wouldn t do this. The dream. Oh, no. Was it that t

hen? `Di ba ang mga kambal ay may kakaibang koneksyon? Jeannie please No! I couldn t take it. I couldn t take the lies anymore. We ll tell you Julian about thi s. We both jumped in surprise when I heard a loud crash. We looked down. It was the empty glass. Wala namang gumalaw non. Julian didn t know me that well. I mean hindi niya napansin na iba ka, iba ako. Becau se we just met only a few times after the the Pikot. Naiiyak ako habang naliligo naalala ko lahat ng pag-uusap namin. I walked like a zombie. Para akong bagong ano panganak. Ma am. I looked up. May bisita po kayo. Nakita ko sa likod niya si si Jean? What are you doing here? Not that I was blaming her but but Hell, yes. I blamed her. Jeannie listen to me. I rolled my eyes ceilingward. Didn t her explanations a bit too late? Anong ginagawa mo? Isn t it obvious? I wanted to scream and shake some common sense into her. Bakit ka nagbabalot ng damit? Tinabig ko `yung kamay niya. Ayoko na Jean. Ayoko ng magpanggap na ikaw! Kung gus to mo bumalik ka dito at No! Iling ko. Hindi na pwede. Pareho kaming pareho kaming Pero Jeannie hindi pwede. I promised Vincent. Bigla siyang umupo at hinawakan ang ty an. She suddenly winced and moaned. Inirapan ko siya. Stop it. It won t work this time. Bakit ba? Eh, if I know ganyang ganyan din arte ko sa may hospital. Bigla itong tumuwid ng tayo. Uuwi na `ko sa `tin. At wala kayong magagawa ni mommy. If you want you can tell Julian the whole fucccking tru What fuccccking truth are you talking about? We both turned at the door. There the devil stood. Nakita kong may benda ang kam ao niya. My heart went wild. Ayokong isipin kung ano ang napakalaking kasalanan niya sa `kin. And boy, he was damned furious. I bet he was ready to wring our ne cks. Narinig ba niya? What truth, damn you! Sigaw nito na rinig ata ng buong subdivision. Julian I m Jeannette. I whispered defiantly. At itinaas ang ulo na parang sa reyna. He frowned. He looked fierce. What the hell are you talking about? Napatingin ito kay Jean. You are you are She s your real wife Julian. I muttered. He cursed floridly. She went missing before your wedding day. I replaced her. And the baby s not yours. Nakita ko ang galit sa mga mata niya. What else was there? He was betrayed. Niloko. Umuwi na tayo Jean. Hinila ko ang kamay niya at kinuha ang clutch bag. Nakita ko ang masamang tingin ni Julian ng dumaan si Jean. I m so Don t fuccking say sorry to me. Parang dagang tumalilis si Jean. I stared fixedly at him. I didn t want to cry. But tears were starting to pool in my eyes. I walked past him. Bigla niyang hinarang ang bulto sa harapan ko. The corner of his lips twitched. You re not that expensive. Do you think your virgi nity caused millions? I gasped at his crudeness. Sinampal ko siya. You owe me five million minus the interest which is your purity, darling. At hind i kita ibabalik sa mga magulang mo hangga t hindi mo nababayaran iyon.

SEVENTEEN I was pacing to and fro. Pati ako nga rin nahihilo na sa sarili ko. If it was an y consolation on every one s part Julian let go of Jean. But not ME. I was startin g to hate him. Bakit ba hindi eh, ako ako ang ikinulong niya at gusto niyang magsuffer. Was I that bad to blame my sister? Pero nasa katwiran naman ako. Kahit magkita pa kami sa husgado! I took my sketch pad and sat on the floor, leaning against the bed. I brushed my tears angrily. Wala na lang siyang ginawang mabuti kung hindi paiyakin at sakta n ako. Hindi na siya naawa sa kagandahan ko. I bit my lower lip until it bled. I drew Julian s face. His handsome face and his body. I busied myself for how many seconds minutes I pouted and made face. Mali mali. I erased half part. Then I drew his body again . Without clothes on. I smiled nastily. hours. Parang may kulang. I raised one brow. Tapos nagdrawing ako ng dalawang sungay. Mah abang buntot. At ang hawak niya isang malaking tinidor. Oh, `di ba? He looked lik e a bench model on Halloween. Then I did sketch myself. Of course, I was the ang el with a halo sent from up above. Na aalilain ng demonyo. Ganon ba talaga ang mga bida? Laging api? Bulong ko sa sarili ko. I wrinkled my no se and closed my eyes. Tapos biglang bumukas `yung pinto. Pabalabag. I glared at him standing like he owned the world. Hell, given the fact that he owned me. Tumayo ka dyan. Inirapan ko siya. I was fuming mad. Hinila niya `ko pataas. I cringed in pain. An o ba! Pilit kong tinatanggal ang kamay niya sa braso ko. Sign this. Pabalewalang may ibinagsak siya sa kama. Makapal iyon. Puro papeles. I wanted to kill him right this minute. Kung legal lang ang krimen sa mundo baka ilang bese s na itong namatay. O kaya pahihirapan ko muna ng unti-unti. My eyes squinted in anger. What s this? Nakakapagbasa ka naman `di, ba My mouth dropped open. He was a cad. A chauvinist. Ang pinakababoy sa lahat ng b aboy. I took the papers and read it. This was legal and notarized. Kahit naman f ine arts ang kinuha ko alam ko naman kung anong ibig sabihin ng kontrata. Sh!t. Did he thought I was a real bummer? Hindi ba at siya nga ang naloko ko? So he was the one who s stupid.

Ano `to? Printed paper, perhaps. His voice was laced with sarcasm. He planted his hands on his hips. Tinitigan akong maigi. What s this for? You have two options to make: One, pay me the five million pesos. Really, ang int eres sa bangko ay umabot ng half a million. And because I wasn t that bad, hey, ngu miti ito at lumapit sa `kin. I realized I was really a good painter after all. B ecause I had drawn this pig s face exactly the way he was evilly smiling at me! Nagpapatawa ba siya? Kaya nga siya pinikot ng kakambal ko dahil wala kaming pamb ayad `di ba? Anong gusto niyang gawin ko? Malay ko bang papalpak pala ang plano ni Jean. Sana man lang nakapaglagay ako sa account ko mula sa kaban ni Julian ba go nagkabukingan. Tsk. God, why didn t you even give me a sign? Or even a hint? Nakaupo ako kaya t nakatingala ako sa kanya. Hinawakan niya ang baba ko ng madiin. Tapos yumuko siya para magkatapat `yung mukha namin. Buti na lang bagong toothb rush ako kanina. Magsalita ba naman sa tapat ng bibig ko! Swear, my goosebumps w ere showing. I appreciated you prostituting yourself to me. So bayad na ang interes. Napatayo ako sa sobrang galit. Ano?! Are you darn serious? It only cost Five hund red thousand? Ganon ako ka-cheap? Sana man lang tinaasan niya kahit one million. Masakit kaya. I didn t even get any pleasure from it. Siya lang naman nasiyahan no . He stared at me incredulously. I ve had my fair share of women Jeannette, honey. An d you re not the first virgin I ve had. Galit na pinalandas nito ang daliri sa mga pi sngi ko. I swallowed an imaginary lump in my throat. Seriously, I was afraid. I kept telling myself that it would be okay. Pero kailan ba naging okay ang magkau tang ng Five million? I was dead before I knew it. Go shoot yourself and go to hell. You might do that honey. Aren t you going to ask what s the second option? Bakit ko pa itatanong, you ll tell me anyway. He cracked a knowing smile. `Yung ngiting alam kong bukas patay na `ko. Aalilain niya ba `ko? Was I going to age cleaning this damned house? Kinakalkula ko na s a utak ko kung magkano ang sweldo ng katulong at ilang taon ko siyang makakasama sa impyernong bahay na `t You ll give me an heir. The bomb was dropped. Para iyong sumabog sa mismong tainga ko. Para akong mahihi matay. He wasn t dead serious, was he? Hindi. Hindi ako nakakaintindi ng English. It was just one of those corny jokes. That easy, eh? Tumawa ako. Tawa pa. Tapos tawa pa ulit. `Yung tawa ng baliw. `Yung kahit hindi nakakatawa pinipilit mong tumawa. Ganon. I even put one finger inside my left ea r. Nadah. No spooky things. Then on my right ear. Wala din! WAS I GOING DEAF? W-what what are you talking about? Nanghihinang napaupo ulit ako. You heard me. Bigyan mo ko ng tagapagmana. An heir. `Yung magdadala ng apelyido k o. Nine months then you re free. He said nonchalantly. As if we were talking about t he weather. Na para bang ang paggawa ng baby ay bato-bato-pik lang. I m not your legal wife Julian. Baka nakakalimutan mo. Hindi pangalan ko ang naka-re gister sa marriage certificate. Feeling ko pinagbagsakan ako ng langit at lupa. G anon ba talag siya kasama? I ve already had a lawyer examined it. Tama ka. It was null and void. It was your s ignature not your sister s. `Yun naman pala eh, Jean s baby kinagat ko `yung labi ko. I crossed my fingers. Sorry sa ipagsisinungaling ko pero Isn t mine. He said smoothly. Napaungol ako. I gritted my teeth anguishly. Hindi na ako magpapanggap na buntis this time. Pra ise the Lord! Kung hindi mag-mamagic talaga akong magkaanak within nine months a

t ang tatay ay Oh, my God. Syempre ang baby hindi basta lumalabas sa tyan ng baba e yan. May process `yan. May step one, two, three `yan. Oh no! Gusto kong batuka n ang sarili ko, kung makapag-react ako parang hindi pa kami nag ano `yung ano alam n iyo na `yun. I so hate you. The feeling s mutual, my dear. So what is it? This is human violation. Wala kang karapatang karapatang igiit sa `kin ang marital obligations ko dahil hindi tayo mag-asawa! Oh, my God so all the while we were ju st living in sin together? Mga immoral. He looked like a wolf ready to eat his prey. Napaatras ako. What would it be Jean nie, my bed s warmer than that of the jail s. Ikaw din, he shrugged. Forcing a woman isn t my cup of tea, darling. Pero ikaw din, your choice. At itinaa s nito ang legal na papeles na binayaran nito ang titulo ng lupa namin! He was w ise. Unggoy! Napakatuso! I opened my mouth in disust. Forcing isn t his cup of tea? Oo hindi. Pambablackmai l nga lang! This is pure blackmail! No, dear, it s what you called persuading. A businessman s stock in trade. He smiled e villy. My phone started ringing. Jean! Baka nakakalimutan mo `yung reunion natin mamaya. I groaned inwardly. NO! REUNION. Bakit kailangan ko pang magpanggap na si Jean? Alam na naman ng lahat. Well, exc ept for the press. Ang press! I smiled. Bakit hindi ako lumapit sa mga iyon at i labas ang baho ni Julian? He was after all, a public figure. Don t you ever dare, he hissed. Nabasa niya ang isip ko! Wow. May psychic ability na ba ito? He glared at me. Nakita niya akong papalapit sa isa sa mga ito. No doub t. Nakalimutan ko, Jean was infamed for her swimming ability. Hello Jean. The woman smiled at me. Syempre ngiti rin ako kahit na nga ba never ko pa siyang nakita sa tanang buhay ko. Hi... Then she turned sweetly at Julian. I he ard about it, bakit hindi mo man lang kami inimbitahin? Gusto kong isigaw: Sino b ang kinakausap mo? Ako o si Julian? Kung makangiti naman labas lahat ng ngipin! She flipped one hair expertly. Flirt. Hindi nakaligtas sa matalas kong paningin. Julian smiled back. Very charming ang loko. Hindi nga ako nagkamali The woman raised one brow at me. Hindi nga ako nagkamaling hindi ka imbitahin! Saan? Irene! So Irene pala ang pangalan ng makiring kaibigan na ito ni Jean, huh? Brad? Uh-oh. Julian grabbed my waist as if he wouldn t want me away from him. Brad stare d fixedly at us. Lalo na sa`kin. Hi Dahil assuming ako alam ko, sa `kin patungkol ` yun. Sa `kin siya nakatingin eh. Later everybody was dancing. I smiled here and there. Nagkalayo kami ni Julian. Parang siya nga ang nagre-reunion. They were all bugging him. The business tycoo n. The handsome debonair. Kaya lalong lumalaki `yung ulo. I snorted. I went out of the parking lot to get my cell phone from the car. I was quite surprised when a hand caught mine. Jean told me everything. Buti naman. I sighed. At least hindi na niya `ko hahalikan ulit. I m sorry. It s okay. I shrugged. Malapit na kami dun ng matigilan ako. Namilog ang mga mata ko Julian was standing there. Well, that was fine. Kung fine nga bang matatawag ang halos pagyakap ng babae dito! Their faces were in ches away from each other. Kung makalingkis. Sawa? Hindi naman ito Zoo `di ba? S he gritted her teeth in anger.

Brad kiss me. What? Jeannie, alam mong hindi pwed I said kiss me. Galit kong sabi. Hindi na `ko magtataka kung bakit ito pinagpalit ni Jean eh, nakakasama din pala ang masyadong gentleman ngayon. Brad sige paaaa d on t stop kissing me!!! I shouted. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Julian s frown. Papalapit na sila. Jeannie, this isn t righ I grabbed Brad s lapels and kissed him right on the mouth. Parehas tikom ang bibig namin. I moaned aloud. For the benefit of others! EIGHTEEN I didn t want to hate men in general but it seemed to be in their nature to be unl ikable. Bakit ba hindi sila makuntento sa isa? Bakit ba `yun na lang palagi ang problema nila? Nung ginawa naman si Adan, loner siya `di ba? Pinagbigyan na nga siya ni God. Abusado. Now I know. Eve just tolerated being with Adam. No choice eh. And take note: Eve was the only woman back then. The next thing I knew Julian and Brad were grappling. Kinuha ni Julian ang lapel ni Brad at binalya. I was too stunned to react. Grabe, para akong nanunuod ng a ction movie. Julian no! I screamed. Nakita kong pumutok ang labi ni Brad. Syempre kahit pagbali -baligtarin ko man ang pangyayari. Ako ang may sagot kay Brad! I winced as Brad punched back. Pinipilit kong gumitna pero natabig ako. Sa bilis ng pangyayari hindi ko na alam kung sino sa kanilang dalawa. The woman was just standing there. Gusto ko siyang sabunutan! Sino ba siya? This was all her fault . Julian, I said stop it! Tili ko at gumitna ako. Brad was badly beaten. Nakita kong papatay talaga si Julian. And I was frightened by the look in his eyes. I shoul d have wore Hester s scarlet letter. Para akong lulubog sa kahihiyan. There were flashes of cameras. Julian Sunico s wife was seen kissing his ex. God, nakakahiya, ano bang klasing babae `yan. Maganda pa naman, makiri nga lang. Nasty gossips. Matutuwa na sana ako dun sa maganda , dinugtungan pa. I glared at wh oever said that. They knew nothing! Mga taong walang magawa sa mundo kundi pagpi yestahan ang latest tsismis. Brad are you okay? I knelt down in front of him. Naawa naman ako bigla sa kanya. J ulian pulled me roughly in the arm. At masakit `yun ha! I screamed when he was a bout to kick NO! Niyakap ko si Julian ng mahigpit. He gave me that chilling stare that sent shivers down my spine. Na parang ako an g may kasalanan! Na parang hindi ko siya nakitang nakikipag-flirt sa ibang babae ! Hinila niya `ko sa braso. Pakaladkad. I saw Brad s purplish face with bruises. Let go of me. I wanted to shout at him. Get in. His voice was icy cold. Pabalyang ipinasok. No. Itinulak! Niya ako sa loob ng sasakyan. I gritted my tee th. Naumpog ako sa silya. There was not a bit of gentlemanliness in him. Paikot pa lang siya sa driver s seat ay binuksan ko ang car door para tumakbo. Damn. He w as already seated. At na-automatic lock niya na ang buong sasakyan. Julian how dare yo ! He looked at me coldly. You bastard! Galit kong hiyaw. It was unlike any fury I d had. Para akong bulkang sa sabog. I put all my force and slap him. Once. Twice. I saw the registration of s hock. I couldn t get enough. Hampas dito. Hampas doon. Anywhere my hand landed. Ku ng pwede lang na sipain ko siya. Sinuntok suntok ko ang braso niya. I was even m aking gurgling sounds. What the hell are you d ing. We both gasped. Sa paghampas ko sa sugat niya ay nabitawan niya ang manibela. May paparating na malaking truck. We both screamed. Pareho kaming napakapit dito. He motioned the steering wheel t o the left. Whew. Muntik na kami dun! My heart was thudding loud in my chest. You should have killed me and

He gave me that chilling look. I did shut up then. Hindi sa natatakot ako. Okay, natatakot ako sa itsura ni Julian. It was as if he would do just that. Without remorse. Naiisip ko pa lang na ipapa-salvage niya `ko at itatapon ang kagandahan ko sa kung saang ilog. God, it boils my blood. Napatitig ako sa kanya. The musc les on his jaw flexed. Decide now. My eyes grew wide. I swore my neck almost snapped sa mabilis na paglingon ko sa kanya. Hanggang ngayon ba iyon pa rin ang iniisip niya? You very well know I can t pay you even if it s a one-year term. Alam ko. Balewalang sagot nito. Alam mo pala eh! He smiled evilly. I gave you a choice. A choice? I said with sarcasm. Ang maging babymaker mo? Ha! Holy crap. Gusto kong is igaw sa kanya na baka naapektuhan na ang utak niya. Did he think I can just bear a child and leave him to his father? I suggest you go see a psychiatrist. Tumaas ang sulok ng bibig niya. There were bruises all over his face. Pero bakit ba gwapo pa rin ito kahit mukha itong may sungay sa paningin ko? I might. He said bitterly. Bumaba ka na, utos nito. I looked around me and I gasped. You re dead serious. Really, Julian wouldn t resort to this. Pero gagawin niya na Jeannie! My mouth dro pped open. Julian swung the door open. Baba. He hissed. I shook my head. I said get out. I shook my head vigorously. Get the hell out of my car. With matching every emphasis pa. I shook my head forcefully and vigorously. Hindi ko na alam kung paano at anong kaibahan non. Basta to the highest level na talaga ang pag-iling ko. Kung kanina ay halos ipagtulakan niya `ko papasok, this time was very much different. He wa s forcing me. Sisigaw akong rape? Fvck you Jeannie. Don t try my patience. He said silently. It was a mere whisper. Pe ro pero `di ba may onting konsensya naman si Julian? Even the tiniest bit? Oh, my God. I d rather you do that Julian. Parang wala sa sariling nasabi ko habang nakatingin s a Sa Police Station. I closed my eyes. Oh, no. I couldn t imagine myself there. Ang mukha ay nasa gitna ng mga rehas na bakal. Tapos may dumaang sasakyan. Isang barkadang malakas ang trip. In my predicament I wouldn t have noticed them or anyone else for that matte r. Kahit na nga ba maghubad si Papa P sa harapan ko. BUT they were even singing a verse of some song. And the title: Love the way you lie by Rhianna. Julian glared all the more. Why can t you just let me go? I whispered achingly. He tilted my chin up. He was speaking to me. In close range as in close to my mou th. Kinilabutan ako. Pero syempre `yung masarap na kilabot. My hair on the nape stood on ends. Why should I? You re mine. The side of his mouth lifted sexily. Why did he have to d o that? Was this one of his seductions 101? You might be forgetting, I bought you for five million. Ganon lang ba talaga tingin niya sa `kin? His property na pwedeng bakuran. My he

art went out to him. Nakakaawa siya. He didn t know the meaning of love or even gi ving. Masyado siyang makasarili. Paano kung babae maging anak natin? Anak ko Jeannie. Ikaw lang ang magdadala pero anak ko. And don t you ever dare slee p with Brad. He whispered and bunched my hair up roughly. `Coz I d kill both of you. I d like to spit right onto his demonic face. Mabilis niyang pinakawalan ang mukha ko at nag-drive na siya pauwi. I avoided eye contact with him. Ayokong makita n iyang malapit na `kong bumigay. My eyes were moist. I knew then that he won. I agreed to his terms. CM, help me. I don t want the time to come that I would only feel hatred against Ju lian. I sighed as I clutched the wireless phone to my ears. Hay nako Jeannie, Narinig kong naghikab si CM. If I were you, gora na ako sa gusto niya. Is he big? CM! I swore I blushed to the roots of my hair. Sus, `yung katawan. Ano ba kasing iniisip mo? Masyado ng polluted `yang utak mo. Chillax Jeannie. Syempre laging naka-coat and tie `yang suplado mong asawa. Sana vinideohan mo. He giggled. I rolled my eyes ceilingward. Parang gusto kong sabunutan itong si CM. Rowel s here. Really? One brow arched. Dati ko siyang manliligaw na artist din. Yep. And he called me. Why? Asking your whereabouts. CM said tersely. Sus, if I know, isa pang Bebe `yun e h. Bibi? Bibi? Bibi? Bebe Gandang hari. In short, bibigay pa lang. Whatever. Sigaw ko sa kanya. Next time videohan mo ha? Bigyan kitang hidden camera. Lagay mo sa CR `pagnaliligo si Julian. Then I heard his monstrous laugh. `Yung t awang pinipilit lumandi. Baritonong high-pitched. Why not? Pwede ko `yung ipam-b lackmail kay Julian. One theory I realized: The nice? guys are ugly, the hot guys are jerks, and the hot-and-nice guys are gay. Why was it so? I had living proofs. Julian was one hell of a hot specimen. Wow. Ulam. CM? Geezers. One hell of a horse. He was naughty and nice. Yep. And very gay. As in. Tipong ikaw pa ang aagawan ng boyfriend. Rowel? Ahm. He was nice to me. He gave me flowers, gifts and very gentleman. `Yu n nga lang pwede siyang pang-S.O. (secret on) God, sorry. `Yung tipong `pagnaglak ad kayong dalawa sa mall feeling mo ang yaman mo. Kasi may kasunod kang boy. O k aya naman ang bait mo kasi kasi parang charity lang. Was I that bad? Pero sabi nga ni Andrew E. humanap ka ng panget at ibigin mong tunay . Sana nga gan on na lang. Nakita kong umuulan sa labas. When I was a kid I never liked rainy days. Jean di d. Sabi niya kasi kapag umiiyak over a jerk hindi siya maririnig ni Mommy. Malak as pa naman radar ng mga mothers, you know. I thought it was a bit odd of my twi n to cry under the rain. Knowing Jean s eccentricity. But I found out I was doing the same thing. I found myself taking my shoes off and standing on Julian s lawn. I was stepping o n his Bermuda grass, dancing under the rain. Wooooh! I shouted loudly. Wala akong pakialam kung pinagtitinginan man ako ng katulong ni Julian. O inakala nilang ba liw na `ko. I closed my eyes. Lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa mundo ay inilabas ko. I was sobbing profusely. As if there was no tomorrow. Jeannie! Kulog lang `yun. JEANNIE! One hand grabbed my arm and swung me around. Nagpapakamatay ka ba? Gusto mo bang magkasakit?

It was lightning. Nagsasalubong ang mga kilay nito at may payong na dala. Was he worried? I shook my head. Pilit kong sumasayaw at nagtampisaw pero hawak pa rin niya ang braso ko. Titig na titig siya sa `kin. Feeling ko nga matutunaw ako. Pilit kong tinatanggal ang mga patak ng ulan sa mata ko. A mixture of tears and rain. He pulled me roughly into his arms. Nalaglag `yung payong. Julian Niyakap niya `ko. I was wetting his tux. My God. I felt hot all over. I wrapped my arms around his neck. At sabay kaming bumagsak sa Bermuda grass. I was on top . We were both wet. You are my baby. He brushed the straining hair on my forehead. Then I started crying on his chest . Why was it so hard to hate somebody who could hurt you the most? Somebody you never intended to fall in love with? Napakatanga ng puso ng tao.

Are we going to start the baby making process here and now? I looked up. I wanted to smack his handsome face only if he didn t look amused. Ok ay na eh, pang-FAMAS na sana drama ko.

NINETEEN Sometimes you d wished that things were easier. That money was just a piece of pap er. If only it didn t have any value. Na sana hindi lang ako gustong i-detain dito ni Julian dahil sa utang ko. I thought I was going to sneeze my head out. Grabe, I looked up at him. I wrinkled my nose. Tapos tapos Hachuuuu! There. On top of him. Under the rain. On his face. Gusto kong matawa sa itsura niya. Para bang hindi siya makapaniwalang ginawa ko talaga `yun sa kanya. Bastos ka. He said in amazement. Ang lapit lapit ng mukha namin. Hindi kaya magkapalit kami ng mukha? I smiled at him. Tapos itinapat ko `yung mukha ko sa mukha niya. I waited for him to do the next move. Syempre mahiya naman ako `di ba? Hindi ko pa rin namang nakakalimuta ng babae ako. Halos maduling na kami sa titigan namin. My chest was flattened against his. Nakakahiya na talaga. So I closed the distance. LOL. Hello? This was so small co mpared to what we d done. I rubbed my nose against his. Eskimo kiss. Argh. Tapos malapit na super lapit na Nanunulis na `yung bibig ko. I closed my eyes. I knew it. This was the magic moment. I love you Uhhh I couldn t believe it. Julian was really saying those words? Oh, my God. Was I dreamin g? Tapos bigla siyang umubo. What do you think are you doing? He asked na para bang nandidiri sa `kin! I blinke d thrice. Can you believe that? He did say he loved me, didn t he? Get off me It was a joke. Ha? Wow. I probably lost one screw earlier. Nung pagtalon ko kaya? What joke? That you lov e me? No. Don t even tell me!

He winced. Are you into drugs? I said I was kidding about you, me, making love in the rain. May sakit ka ba? He s aid sarcastically. I screamed. I wasn t so sure. Kasi parang hinihila ako sa antok. I closed my eyes. It was a great effort to slap the incredulity in his face. Narinig kong tinataw ag niya `ko. Pangalan ko. Jeannie Jeannie I thought my head was going to break into pieces. Ungol ako ng ungol. I opened o ne good eye. Oh God, Julian must have been an angel. In disguise. He proved to b e tempting. Para akong lasing. Ang sakit sakit ng ulo ko. He was standing there, his wet shirt was clinging to his body. Napaungol ako lalo. Will you stop that? angil nito. I frowned. Ano na naman bang pinagsisintir nito? His wet hair was clinging to hi s forehead. At ang mga kilay nito? Nagsasalubong na naman. What the heck, just s eeing him standing there with his shirt loving his body to perfection was making me ahm, hot. My eyes grew wide. Nakaupo ako sa couch! Basa. I moaned aloud. I said stop it, he hissed and brushed his drenched hair. Ano bang problema nito? Gusto kong sumigaw pero wala akong lakas. Promise, my ey es almost bulged. Ni-rape niya ba `ko? Bakit feeling ko para akong ginahasa? Ang sasakit ng mga kalamnan ko. Bakit hindi ko man lang nalaman? Sayang naman. Ohhh My mouth opened in an indignant O. Ano na namang kalokohan `to? And stop doing doing that. Napatingin ako sa kanya. Parang gusto niya na akong sakalin sa itsura niya. He k nelt down in front of me. What am I doing? Badtrip na pinilit kong umayos ng upo. Wala namang pinainom sa `k in si Julian `di ba? Hindi kaya nilason niya na `ko? I groaned louder than the la st. I couldn t breathe. Oh, my God. I tried to focus my eyes on him. Hingal dito. Hingal don. He was pacing to and fro. Will you just shut up? Ex cuse me? Hindi na nga ako makahinga t lahat then he wanted me to shut up? He was a lways grumpy. Hindi na `ko magtataka kung friends sila ni The Grinch. Pag-umpugi n ko pa sila eh. You sounded you sounded Sounded what? Like you are making out! For Pete s sake! Ha? Grabe. I rolled my eyes heavenward. Sino bang may sabing ako lang pala ang n ag-iisip ng hindi kanais-nais dito! Akalain mo `yun, sabi ko na nga ba Julian ha d a pretty fix on me from the start. Tsk. Pakipot pa. And stop staring at me like that! I know, I know, I m handsome and you couldn t resis t that. But it s as if as if you re going to eat me for dinner. Alam ba niya `yung ibig sabihin ng salitang hambog ? No? I thought so. Alam mo `yung parang humalinghing na pusa? My mouth dropped open. Inirapan ko siya. Then I imitated again louder. Ohhh ohhh Jul ian Ohhh YUCK! GROSS! He just raised his brow and looked at me oddly. I ve heard that before. FROM YOU. May dictionary ka ba dyan? He shrugged. Do you ever know the word humility? Okay na magsungit siya. Sigaw sigawan niya `ko . Pero `yung ipamukha niya sa `king siya na lang ang natitirang lalaki sa mundo at handa akong halikan ang mga paa niya? It was abso-fvcking-lutely insane. He knelt down in front of me. Nakita kong basang basa na `yung carpet. Oh well, hindi ko na kasalanan `yun. I was still suncking in my breath ever so slowly. Ba hala siya kung anong gusto niyang isipin. Basta `wag niya lang asahanag maghuhub ad ako sa harapan niya.

Hubaran niya `ko! Joke lang. A slow knowing smile played about his kissable lips. Gosh. Para akong lalagnatin . The likes of Julian should be banned. Bakit hindi? Ang mga katulad niya ang da hilan kung bakit nagkakasala ang mga respetadong babaeng kagaya ko. He roughly cupped my left cheek. Our wet clothes were felt so paper-thin. Then h is mouth landed on mine. Forceful. Rough. Like the way he always used to. I felt his teeth nipped my lower lip. I moaned a loud. I was burning hot. Hotter. Then I closed my eyes. Para akong inaapoy. Hind i ba dapat Julian s kisses would send me straight to heaven? Pero bakit feeling ko hinihinila ako pababa sa impyerno? Julian thought she was okay. But she lay passive. He frowned. Jeannie fainted! Napapikit ang mga mata niya. Kung akala niyang inaapoy sa pagnanasa si Jeannie. Well, he was definitely wrong. Inaapoy ito sa lagnat. Natatarantang binuhat niya ito. She was in and out of consciousness. Para siyang binuhusan ng malamig na t ubig. Namatay lahat... pati dun sa baba. Naramdaman kong may nagbababa sa `kin sa tiles. In my blurring vision I saw Juli an hovering over me. Tapos dahan dahang bumaba `yung mga mata ko dun sa kamay ni ya. Was he insane? We were in the shower room! Hanggang dito ba naman? I shrieke d. You mani ac! I hissed through my teeth. Hindi niya `ko pinansin! Tuloy-tuloy lang siya sa pagtanggal ng mga butones. Sa sobrang gigil ni Julian. He ripped it off me! Goodness, gracious. Santisima! Naman si Julian oh. Walang p atawad. Parang nawalang lahat ang panghihina ko. Sisigaw na talaga ako. Julian noooo! I screamed and wailed. The he pulled down my jeans. Doon, I made sure na nahirapan siya. Aba, ano sa ti ngin niyang ginagawa niya? Magpapatintero kami? Mahuli huli taya! I was going to try for another scream even though my throat felt scraped. Galit na binuhat niya ulit ako. Pakawalan mo `ko! Pakawalan mo sabi ak ooo Ibinagsak niya `ko sa bathtub! He was really inconsiderate. Pakawalan mo `ko!!! Ti nakpan niya `yung bibig ko. Anong akala niya sa `kin bata?! I bit his hand. At w ala akong pakialam kahit bumabaha ng mura sa shower room. Helllpppppppp And in fair ness, hindi ko alam kung panong tili ang gagawin ko. The door burst open. Nanlaki `yung mga mata ko. Pumasok si Mommy! Jean! At ang mga katulong! We heard you scream. Oh. My. God. I swore, I wished that instant that I were a mermaid. Hindi ko alam kung anong l ubog sa hindi punong bath tub ang gagawin. Kung kanina y nagkakakawag ako, mabilis pa sa alas-kwatrong yumakap ako kay Julian. He was a safe cover from the intrud

ers. What are you all doing here? Julian smiled. Hindi ko gusto ang ngiting iyon. It me ant catastrophe. Anong masamang ginagawa mo sa kapatid ko? Tili si Jean. Hinawakan nito sa balikat si Julian at pilit inaalis mula sa `kin. I bit my lower lip. Julian smiled. Ah, tapos tapos bibitawan niya `ko. He was such a monster. Parang hin di ako mahiwalay sa pagkakayakap sa kanya. See? Your sister here wants me Oh, no, pleaded with me to bathe her. Lumingon siya s a `kin. They all gasped. Who said that killing a moron was against the law? Hindi ba pwe deng magbawas kahit isa?

TWENTY I hated him. Nang lumabas na silang lahat. I was trying to cover myself. Tinitig an niya `ko. `Yung parang hinuhubaran kung hindi ko pa alam na hubad na `ko! I h issed. Will you please get out? I shouted at him. He didn t look pleased with himsel f. Gusto ko siyang lunurin sa bathtub. Then I d make him eat the cake of soap. Han ggang sa magbula `yung bibig niya. Tignan ko lang kung makahalik pa siya ng ibang babae. What? He asked innocently. Napalingon siya dito. What what? You look as if you would kill. I smiled too sweetly. Buti alam mo. Don t you want to ask who? He just shrugged. Then he took the soap. Anong gagawin mo? I looked around me. Goodness, was this dj vu? I had nowhere to go. Hindi naman ako kasya sa butas ng banyo. He smirked. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mg a mata. He shrugged. Isn t it obvious? My mouth dropped open. Then his hands submerged under the water. I gasped. Nanla laki ang mga mata ko ng Oh, my God. My stomach churned. I sucked in my breath. He scrubbed my stomach. Oh-kay. Julian I have hands. Parang batang bulong ko. I really croaked, didn t I? Then I clos ed my eyes. At isinandal ang ulo ko sa bathtub. Darkness was pulling me down. An g bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Ako ang bahala sa `yo. That was only a snippet. A mere whisper. Bahala? Ha! If I know. There was someth ing endearing about a man who said that he could take on the world for me. Sana totoo. Sana hindi lang ako nananaginip. Julian wouldn t say something like that. Hi ndi na `ko magtataka kung mas pa kung sasabihin niyang: I ll kill you Jeannie . I woke up late that night. Parang binabarena `yung ulo ko. I looked at the alarm clock. Eight o`clock in the morning? I bolted upright. Kinapa ko `yung sarili k o. Betty Boop PJs. Goodness. Julian bathed me! He dressed me up! What did he thi

nk of me? Barbie doll, eh? Nooo I bemoaned. Biglang bumukas `yung pinto. There the Ken stood. Yep. Preppy Ken. Evil Ken. Wit h his bewitching smile. I groaned inwardly. Bumagsak ang katawan ko sa higaan. An ong ginagawa mo dito? bulong ko. No reply. Naramdaman kong lumubog `yung kama sa gilid ko. Tumagilid ako. Patalikod sa kany a. Hmp. What did he think of me? Hard-to-get `to no. Sabi nga ni mommy, ang mahi rap kuhanin mahirap pakawalan. Gusto kong sabihing: Amuin mo ko Kumain ka na. He tapped my shoulder. Galit kaya ako. He tapped again my shoulder. Hey, kumain ka na. I took the pillow and covered my ear. Betty Boop! Kumain ka na. I opened my mouth in disgust. Mabilis akong humarap sa kanya. Excuse me! Gigil na humarap ako sa kanya. All at once my heart started hammering. My head was poundi ng. I gritted my teeth. Tapos bigla niya `kong inabutan ng tablet. Medicine. I arched one brow. Hindi ba niya `ko papatayin? I looked at the tray in front of me. Breakfast. May takip iyon. Parang biglang k umalam ang sikmura ko. Unti-unti akong napangiti. He really had a sweet and cari ng side. This side of Julian that I wasn t used to. Day off ng mga katulong. He even yawned. Ha! Grabe, parang utang na loob ko pa ang paggawa niya ng breakfast sa `kin. Fine. Whatever. Binuksan ko `yung silver cover. Confirmed. He was really going to kill me. No more like poison me! My eyes stared incredulously. Surely I wasn t that fat. Surely Ano ng tingin niya sa `kin? BABOY? Ano `to? Kaning baboy? Why, thank you. He said with sarcasm. Alam kong hindi uso sa mahihirap ang omelette . I understand. I gasped. I wanted to hit him with the lamp shade. My God. Omelette? Omelette? Ma y bago na palang tawag sa sunog na kaning baboy ngayon? Will you just be grateful and eat? He angrily shoved the plate of food on my lap. I was about to talk again when he thrust the spoonful of kaning baboy in my mouth. I chewed it. I glared at him. Hindi naman masama lasa niya. But still mukha pa rin iyong darak. Pasalamat siya gutom ako. Julian? He didn t reply. Basta hinalo lang niya ang pagkain. Thank you. Bakit nga pala nandito sina mommy kahapon? Oh! I forgot to call CM. Sa bi nga pala ni Thrust the food on my mouth. Forcefully. Wow. What a better way of saying Shut up Jeannie . Julian wala na naman akong lagnat samahan mo `ko mamaya kina Sumpak ulit. Julian ano b a! Will just give me peace Jeannie? I opened my mouth to talk again. Ang kapal niya! Grabe. I wasn t giving him peace? If I give you peace I won t talk to you. EVER. He started laughing. `Yung tawang parang wala ng bukas. Sa paningin ko, parang n agkaroon siya ng dalawang sungay. Jeannie Rose Leviste? YOU? WON T TALK? Tawa. Tawa. Tawa. Naniningkit ang mga mata ko. Nakita kong napahiga siya kakatawa. He was e ven clutching his stomach. Napatingin ako sa unan ng masama. My hands were itchi ng to take those and cover his That would be the day Jeannie. Don t make me laugh. Sa daldal mong `yan. Not talkin g would be the cause of your death. I really gasped aloud. Ganon pala huh?

I would have cried aloud if not for Uncle Bert and Julian s dad. We were both sile nt on the way here. Ang sinabi niya lang kanina we re going some place . `Yun lang! G oodness. Silence would really kill me. Gusto ko ng magsalita. Napapanis na ata l away ko. Nod. Smile. And be polite. Mamamatay nga ata ako. Julian smiled at me and raised his wineglass in a mocking salute. Inirapan ko si ya. Mabait na asawa ba itong si Julian hija? Tanong ni Aunt Risan sa `kin. I was tight-lipped and turned to his aunt. Mabait po `pag tulog. Yes, Aunt Risan my wife s very pampered. I even bathed her yesterday. We Aherm! Aherm! Malakas kong ubo. And she loves me dearly I would have gasped. Gusto ko ng ngatngatin ang plato o ka ya ibato iyon sa kanya. They all laughed. Didn t you, darling? Nanlalaki ang mga mata ko. The side of his mouth lifted slightly. He was challen ging me. Hindi kami bati! Hindi ko siya papansinin! Argh. They were all looking at me. Waiting. See? Silence means yes. I was true to my promise. Nagsasalita siya. Deadma lang ako. Parang balewala lan g naman sa kanya. He just kept on talking. Well, most of the time. Alam kong nan anadya lang siya. It was difficult ignoring someone who didn t want to be ignored. In short, simpleng papansin. I was trying to find the comfort room. Tapos napatapat ako sa library. Wala nama n talaga akong pakialam. I was about to turn away when some snatches of the conv ersation caught my attention. You have to tell him! You can t just keep this damned secret forever. Tumaas `yung kilay ko. Wow, ha. Parang teledrama lang. I sighed. I wasn t really e avesdropping. Kasalanan ko bang halos rinig na ng buong bahay ang pag-uusap nila ? Sus, I was just a very keen-observer. At sabi nga, `yung mga taong curious `yu n `yung matatalino. You know I can t. He ll hate me. I frowned. The voices were familiar. Nagsasawa na `ko sa ganito. Ikaw ang may kasalanan ako ang umaani! She never love d me so I got tired of waiting for her. She loved you damn you! Silence descended. I would have turned around and walked away. When will you tell Julian about his true parentage, Bert? When will you take all the blame and this buuullshit end? TELL ME! Parang may bombang sumabog. I was rooted to the ground. My hands were cold and c lammy. It was as if they (Julian s supposed dad and Uncle Bert) told me that it wa s the end of the world. Nanghihinang naglalakad ako. My knees were going to buck le. Parang bumalik ang sakit ng ulo ko. Sabi ko na nga ba. Ito ang napapala ng mga tsismosa. Jeannie? I almost jumped in surprise. What are you doing here? I swore, I looked as if I d seen a ghost. Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya? Julian your family wasn t supposed to be who they were. You hated lies. But then all your lif e you were living a big damned lie. Poor you. Hindi kaya pulutin ako sa kalsada `pagsinabi ko `yun? Pam-blackmail! Tama. He frowned and sighed. Kanina pa kita hinahanap. His whole being would surely break into a thousand pieces. Naiisip ko pa lang an g mga gagawin niya y kinikilabutan na `ko. Would he slash his wrists? No. He would break furnitures and lashed at people. At unang una ako sa mga taong iyon. He r olled his eyes. Ayusin mo sarili mo. He ordered. Uuwi na tayo. Inabot ko ang kamay ko sa kanya. He raised one brow at me. Parang sinasabi ng ti nging iyong akala ko ba hindi tayo bati? . Nangangalay na braso ko ah. He turned around and just walked on! I saw the way he carried himself like the king of the world. His broad back was turned to me. Parang may sariling isip ang mga paa ko. Ang katawan ko. Ang bilis

ko. As in. I ran to him. And hugged him from behind. Ang lakas ng impact. Nasaktan pa nga ` yung dibdib ko sa pagtama sa likod niya. But it didn t even bother me. I cushioned my head against his back. What are you doing? He said softly. Habang pilit pang tinatanggal `yung kamay ko s a harap niya! I tightened my hands around his middle. I ll tell you something you don t know. Hmm? Humigpit bigla `yung kapit niya sa `kin. I hiccupped through his shirt. Sipon . Luha. Laway ko. You need me. And I bet, you can t live without me. He started laughing demonically. For the first time I rendered pity for the high and mighty Julian Sunico.

TWENTY ONE We went straight home. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Akalain ko bang hindi ko matiis and dyablong si Julian? I could have gone straight to a reporter or to any journa list. Pero hindi ko ginawa. It was one hell of a secret. Uncle Bert was his dad. And the one he grew up with was really his uncle. Ang gulo no? Kasing gulo ng u tak ni Julian. Kaya nga ba mas close siya sa Uncle Bert niya? Kaya nga ba nag-div orce ang parents niya? If this secret would spill out, for sure he would blame himself for the separati on. I smiled mischievously. Kaya tatanawin niya sa `kin itong isang malaking utang n a loob. He sighed exaggeratedly. Baliw ka na ba? He said drily while looking at me in disg ust. Tandaan mo Jeannie may malaking utang na loob siya sa `yo. Well, he might n ot know yet but he d thank you later. May utang na loob ka sa `kin. Umiling-iling ito. Parang sinasabing nasiraan na nga talaga . If he d only known. And because I wasn t that bad I hoped God and St. Peter was looking right down at me us . Eh, `di one ganda okay, one baet point na `ko. Bumaba na kami ng sasakyan. And because he was very much a gentleman. He didn t ev en bother to open the door for me. I fell in step beside him. Parang hindi niya napapansin na kasama niya `ko. Ever since that phone call earlier. Na hindi ko m an lang alam kung sino. Later that night I went to sleep early. Julian was in the study room fussing ove r documents. Hindi ko na siya pinakialamanan. Nagsusungit na naman. I couldn t breathe a little. Parang may nakadagan sa katawan ko. Half of my body w as covered by... somebody. I sighed pleasurably. The hands tightened around my m idsection. In my dreamy state, I snuggled closer. Masarap palang matulog ng may katabi. Katabi! Then it clearly dawned on me. Somebody was sleeping beside me! My eyes grew wide . I almost screamed. Ni-lock ko `yung pinto kanina. And and Julian never slept wit h me.

Madilim. The man s breath was fanning my cheek. I started pushing. Pinipilit nitong pigilan ang mga kamay ko. Then I pushed him hard. Sleep. One word uttered. Pero utos pa rin. You scared me inis na bulong ko. Balewalang dumagan ulit siya sa `kin! Na parang ba ta. Ano ba. Didn t he know that he was way bigger than me? He covered half of my b ody. My chest was flattened against his. Ang ulo nito ay parang batang isiniksik sa leeg ko. A person seemed vulnerable when asleep. Why are you in my room? Bulong ko. Julian ungot ko. Niyugyog ko `yung balikat niya. Naghilik siya. Niyugyog ko ulit. L alo niyang nilakasan `yung paghilik. Ah, ganon. Alam mo ba Julian na nakakainis ka? Nawala na `yung antok ko dahil sa He covered my mouth! Inis na tinatanggal ko iyon. Yuck. Excuse me? Bad breath. Ang KAPAL! Mabilis na itinapat ko ang palad sa bibig at bumuga buga. Hindi naman ah. I heard him chuckle. Nakiliti ako sa paghinga niya sa leeg ko. Seconds late r, he was fast asleep. Mabaho ba `ko? For the first time. Hindi man lang ako pin agtangkaan ni Julian. I tenderly caressed his hair. Maybe Julian needed some loving after all. This mig ht be heaven. Hell. He wasn t talking to me the whole day! I woke up with the empty side of the bed. Inamoy amoy ko pa man din `yung unan na hinigan niya! Tapos `pagdating ng b reakfast hindi ako papansinin? Grabe. May alzheimer s na ata. Then he went to work . No phone calls. He came back late that night. I was going crazy with boredom. Julian san ka kumain? He shrugged. Dirediretso sa study room niya. Gigil na sinundan ko siya. Inumang ko `yung kamao ko sa likod niya tapos humarap siya. I smiled sweetly. Leave me alone. Three words. My God. Tinatanong lang naman kita. Bakit ba ang sungit sungit mo He slammed the door in my face! I was so shocked. Nakalimutan ba niya? He cuddle d with me last night! I thought we were okay? Ngayon ko napatunayang maraming na didisgrasya sa akala. I angrily swung the door loud enough. My eyes slowly widen ed He was gloriously buck-naked. I covered my eyes with my hand. With gaps between my fingers. Unfortunately, arhm scratch that, luckily his back was turned to me. He wore his underwear not a whit about me ogling standing there. Hello? Hindi ko kaya nakita! Wala kaya akong nakita. But my, wasn t that my weakness? Men with nice rounded bu tts. Then I looked over my shoulder. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. `Yung isa naming maid nakatayo din! Promise, her eyes were big and even her mouth was a big O. Lapasta ngan! Tinitigan ko siya ng masama. Ah, napadaan lang ma am. Sabay biglang takbo. Hawak pa `yung walis. Parang balewalan g naglakad siya papunta sa closet. Sige magpanggap kang wala ako dito. Gigil kon g sabi. I closed the door shut in effect. Nice butt. I know. I rolled my eyes ceilingward. What are you doing? I frowned when he started puttin g his clothes in a traveling bag. Traveling. Travel. Aalis. May pupuntahan tayo? U

mupo ako sa gilid ng kama. Hindi niya ako pinansin. Basta lagay lang siya ng lag ay ng gamit. He put on a shirt and his rugged jeans. He could really be attracti ve and sexy without trying. Julian! Oo Jeannie narinig kita. Aalis tayo Jeannie. Sabi ko sa sarili ko at ginawa pang p uppet na nagsasalita ang kamay ko. I m going to Las Vegas for a business trip. A week. Tayo? Nagmamadaling tinignan pa nito ang wrist watch. Parang hindi gumagana `yung utak ko. He was going away. For a week! Na hindi man lang ako kasama? Ang galing. CM was waiting for me downstairs. Nagulat ako. He even smiled at me. Anong ginag awa nito dito? Julian put his luggage in the compartment without a word to me. Yo ur hubby called me. Samahan daw muna kita. CM said from behind. So planado ito? G anon ba? Why didn t you tell me? Galit kong harap sa kanya. He studied his nails. Kung ako lan g Jeannie mas gusto kong maiwan kasama `yung asawa mo. Kung ako lang din CM mas gusto kong maiwan kasama ng asawa ko! Mabilis na sumakay ako ng sasakyan. We were all quiet. One week. One week kong h indi makikita si Julian? Argh. Okay lang `yun! Mabuti nga `yun. Nobody would tor ment me. No one would shout at me. I One more week of not abiding that damned co ntract. THE HELL I CARE! Jeannie! Ano?! Galit kong harap kay Julian. Para akong robot. I didn t even notice that we were already inside the airport. At saka lang ito ngumisi sa `kin. He moved toward me. Tapos pinisil niya `yung bab a ko. I couldn t say anything. Naiinis ako sa kanya! Kahit `wag na siyang bumalik. I pouted. Oh, `di ba kapag naka-pout nanunulis `yung lips? Hindi man lang makara mdam! Tapos nakita ko sa likod si CM. He was mouthing: Kiss. He even demonstrated with his hands. Kinilig pa ang bruha. dangsin-ibogo sip-eulgeoya I ll miss you. I was a little absorbed with my emotions. Tapos tinalikuran niya na `ko. I was t rying hard not to look at his back while walking away. Ang O. A. ko. Wala naman talaga akong pakialam. Mabobored lang siguro ako kaya ako nagkakaganito. Wala na `kong yayamutin. Teka. Parang baligtad? Whatever. Anong sinabi niya? I stared blankly at CM. Oo nga. Anong sinabi niya? Hindi kaya minura ako ni Juli an?

TWENTY TWO Four full days. No phone calls. Not even a word. Kahit man lang hoy wala. Ni hindi man lang nag-alalang tumawag para itanong kung buhay pa `ko. O binabaon ko ba s iya sa utang through his credit card. I ate silently at the breakfast table. Ang laki-laki ng bahay ako lang naman at si CM. He was even immersed in painting a landscape. Parang nakalimutan ko nga ding magpinta. I realized then that my world started revolving around Julian. How was that? Nakahiga lang ako. I was hugging Julian s pillow tightly. Baliw na ata talaga ako. I sniffed it. I didn t miss him. I didn t even remember him. I was just plain bored . That was it. Inis na binato ko ang unan niya sa kama. Tapos tinalon talunan ko iyon. I sat down while panting. I punched the pillow like it was his face. I rolled on my stomach and covered the pillow over my head. Jeannie

That bolted me upright. Julian? Badtrip. I shouldn t have mentioned that name! CM was giving me those slow teasing grins I hated these days. Namimiss mo na no? Sabi nito at umupo sa tabi ko. I smi rked at him. Me? Missing him? Bull. That would be a cold day in hell. Inis na humiga ulit ako at tinalikuran siya. So, you don t miss him? Umupo ulit ako. I didn t like CM s expression. Bakit ko mamimiss `yung taong lagi na man akong inaaway? Why should I miss him when he didn t even remember me? Ano ba a ng one-minute call sa 24/7? I sticked to my viewpoint that if a person valued you that much though he was bu sy he d take time even a minute to text you. Meron tayong bente kwatro oras sa isa ng araw. Anong ginagawa niya? Dinadaig si Bill Gates? Tsk. Hindi! Hello. Kahit `wag na siyang bumalik. Oh? I don t care if you don t believe me CM. Ahh he nodded indulgently. Eh, bakit ka nagmumukmok? Ako? Nagmumukmok? My God CM. I m just resting. Mamaya mag-celebrate tayo tutal wala naman dito si Julian. I forced my muscles to move. Smile Jeannie. Okay. CM said. He stood up from my bed. Sayang sasabihin ko pa man sana sa `yong tumawag kanina si Julian Well, because you re not interested never mind. I gasped and glared at him. Kitang kita kong parang hinayang siya. Naiinis ako s a mga taong magkukwento tapos mambibitin! My hands were getting itchy to wring h is neck. I gnawed the inside of my left cheek. CM won! I hated them both. Anong sabi niya? Hindi ka naman interesado, `di ba? Sakalin ko kaya `tong si CM? Once lang. Just curious. I said nonchalantly. Tama. CM said. Pilit ginagaya si Ann Curtis. He gave me that eat-your-heart-out sm ile. Tapos tinalikuran niya `ko at isinara ang pinto `paglabas. To my astonishme nt, my mobile started ringing. I almost tripped with the blanket in a hurry to g et to my cell phone in the drawer. Nagmamadali ako. Bakit ba kasi nilock lock ko pa `yung drawer? Stupid of me. Eee. My hand was trembling. It stopped ringing just when the key turned in. Boom . It opened. Bwisit. Alam mo naman si Julian napakapasensyoso! I gritted my teet h and sighed. Tatalikod pa lang sana ako ng tumunog ulit iyon. I reahed for it under my accessories along with other swell stuff. I didn t even look at the screen. Hello Julian? Jeannie kain na tayo! Sh!t. Double Sh!t. The door opened. Argh. CM!!! I wanted to wipe the grin off hi s face. Para akong tangang hawak hawak `yung cell phone sa tenga ko. Gusto kong ipakain sa kanya iyon. How could he be my friend? He had done nothing but to hum iliate me. Big time, dude. Sorry na. I hissed and stared at him pointedly. Huwag lang talaga siyang makalapit-lapit. Mauubos talaga buhok niya sa `kin. We ate dinner serenely. I couldn t eat that muc h. It tasted ashes on the tongue. Umiinom ng isang tasang kape si CM. You should understand your husband, you know. I looked at him squarely. I don t want to be the bearer of bad news Jeannie. What bad news?

Pabagsak na ang negosyo ng mga Sunico. They lost millions. `Yun ang narinig ko. Parang hindi ko ata naintindihan ang mga sinabi ni CM. This was just one of his grand jokes, wasn t it? Si Julian? Bankrupt? Bugger. I m sorry Jennie. It s the truth. I went to bed that night with my head pounding so hard it hurt. Why didn t he tell me a thing or two about it? Wala ba talaga akong silbi para sa kanya? It seemed a lifetime since I signed that marriage contract. Eight? Ten? Ang tagal ko na d in palang pinagtyatyagaan si Julian. That was the last of my conscious thoughts. I slept like the dead. He opened the door and slid inside the semi-darkened room quietly. The light fli ckered from the lamp shade were casting shadows on the wall to the woman sleepin g serenely on the bed. Maingat niya itong pinagmasdan. He found himself smiling oddly. She was one thing he didn t need right now. The word complication was writt en all over her face. And his fingers were itching to put an L word on his forehead. He was a major lo ser. The investors in Las Vegas were pulling out. Bankrupt. That was the most hateful word in a businessman s vocabulary. He couldn t afford to lose his heritage. Angko s footprints. Julian She turned to the side. At nalilis ang kumot mula dito. Marahang humiga siya sa tabi nito at tumagilid. He cuddled her in spoon fashion. Lumapat ang likod nito sa dibdib niya. Even in deep slumber she came to him willingly. He kissed her na pe softly. She stirred in her sleep. His mindset was shouting he didn t need her. His heart told him otherwise. Ang hirap kapag magkalaban ang puso at ang utak. At mas mahirap ipaglaban ang isang bagay na alam mong matagal ka nang talo. dangsin-eul salanghabnida. I love you. He knew those facts might kill him. He didn t really know what bullsh!t happened t o him. It was just that he was afraid to get too attached. There was nothing cons tant and permanent in this word. Weren t his mother and father a one great example ? He was a very cynical man. Jeannie could disappear one day. And he was afraid of this from the very first fvcking day he met her.

TWENTY THREE I woke up with a start. I stretched my arms. Disoriented, my left arm jabbed som ething. Someone groaned beside me. Parang slow motion na unti-unti akong tumingi n sa gilid ko. My eyes grew wide. Ine-expect ko bang nandun si Sadako? Oh great. I was like was I dreaming? `Di ba merong seven days in a week? Nagkamali ba ako ng bilang? Pang fifth day p a lang ngayon ah! Maybe he wasn t Julian! A twin? I shook my head rapidly. He look ed a bit disoriented. He opened one good eye. Tapos pumikit ulit. Julian. I whispered. He grunted. Huy, Jules Tinalikuran niya `ko! Oh-kay. But but hey I had this dream last night. He was whi spering what seemed like love words to me. Ayt. Sabi ko na nga ba, kabaligtaran ang nangyayari sa totoong buhay. I pouted. Tapos humarap ulit siya sa `kin. Befo re I knew it his arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer. Napasubsob ak o sa dibdib niya. And my! His chest was uncovered. Napatingala ako sa kanya. He had an eight o`clock stubbles about his cheeks. Goodness, I thought men with stu bbles looked messy before. Now, Julian changed the word messy to SEXY. Oooh lala . I was really dreaming! Oh, God. Kukurutin ko sana `yung braso ko. Tapos nakita k o `yung biceps ni Julian. I slowly smiled. Why not?

I pinched him slowly and ever so painfully. Parang kagat lang `yun ng langgam. Damn, what the Confirmed. Si Julian nga! Nagsasalubong ang mga kilay nito. Tapos `yung tingin n a `yun yung para akong hinuhubaran? Are you insane? Inis na lumayo siya sa `kin. I winced. Hinuhubaran? More like sinu sunog. Nanggigil lang naman ako, I pouted. He regarded me with incredulity. Na para bang nababaliw na `ko! Tapos tumayo na siya na parang walang pakialam. Uh-oh. What! Inis niyang tanong habang hinahanap `yung jeans niya! Yes. Jeans. I gulped. Why couldn t I close my eyes? Why do you have no clothes on? Not a stitch! A slow smile cracked about his lips. Oh, God Jeannie look elsewhere but him! Tin gin sa ceiling. Tingin sa lampshade. Tingin sa flooring. Sa kama. But not at him . I swore I blushed to the roots of my hair. Hello? It was daytime! Tapos tumata gos pa `yung sinag ng araw mula sa sliding door. Who are you asking me or the bed? I looked him in the eyes. Not lower Jeannie! But hey, I was a bit tempted. Just a bit. Why do you have no clothes on? I parroted. Grabe magkaka-stiff neck ata ako kakating ala sa kanya. Naninigas na `yung leeg ko. He planted his hands on his hips. Na para bang walang pakialam. Why, men had no modesty! I slept in my birth suit. As in nada? Meaning, if I would be living with him forever I couldn t imagine. I know you want me now Jeannie. But I m tired. I lacked sleep. Kailangan ko pang pum asok. He said forlornly. Ang kapal! I shrieked when he pulled my feet from the be d. Para kaming naghahabulan sa maliit na kama. Hinila niya talaga ako. I clutche d the headboard. Tapos nagtititili ako. He tickled me on each side. Grabe, malakas kaya kiliti ko. He then hugged me and carried me to the bathroom. Tumalikod ako sa kanya ng tumayo na siya sa harap n g salamin. I hated him! Hindi na siya nahiya sa ayos niya. He chuckled. Nangangalay na `ko. I gritted my teeth. Inis na humarap ako. He had already a to wel on. Ayy, sayang! LOL. He gave me that come-on smile. My, was he seducing me? It wasn t working! It was oh-so-tempting. Tapos inabot niya sa `kin `yung toothbrush ko. Mayamaya lamang we were brushing our teeth side by side. Kinikilig talaga ako. He was silent. But our eyes met th rough the mirror. Geezers. It was un-Julian to do those things for me. I was like in fairy land for three m ore weeks. Feeling ko ang bilis humaba ng buhok ko. Well, he wasn t that showy. Pe ro Julian toned down a bit. Oo, naninigaw pa rin siya. He often scowled. Pero ngu mingiti na rin siya ngayon. Some things changed in him after his business trip. Ano kayang pinakain kay Julian don? Na-realize niya sigurong mahirap ng makahanap ng isang Jeannette Rose Leviste sa buong mundo. He even make it a point to dine with me at night. I woke up having him beside me. `Yun nga lang. Julian didn t mention anymore about my debt or the baby making cont ract. Not that I was disappointed. Nanghinayang lang. Anyhow, he became a bit ge ntler with. A bit. Jeannie! Sabi ko sa inyo a bit lang eh. I winced as I saw him striding down the stairs. L ukot na naman ang mukha. What did you do with my things?! What things? Painosente kong sabi. Tapos nagbuklat ako ng magazine. He ripped the magazine off my hands and threw it wherever it landed. Ginalaw mo naman `yung mga gamit ko! Even my baseball is missing.

I pouted. Alin `yun baseball bat niyang may nakalagay pang From me to you? YUCK! I don t know. I shrugged. Tapos naghikab ako. That s Tricia s birthday gift to me. Parang nag-init `yung ulo ko. Kung gusto mo kunin mo sa attic! The hell I care if it was even the Queen of England s gift to you! Ayoko kasi ng maraming basura sa room ko! Bwisit. I should have been understanding. Pero hello? Kailangan pa bang ipamukha sa `kin na regalo `yun ng ex niya? EX na nga `di ba? Meaning X, blackli sted na. Listen to me sweetheart. My mouth almost dropped open. I thought he was going to tell me go to hell . Well, he really was a changed man. Muntik na kong kiligin dun. Hinarap niya `ko. Tricia gave it to me on my 21st birthday. In exchange I gave her a sculpture of Venus de Milo. Parang tumaas lahat ng dugo ko sa ulo ko. See? He even gave Tricia a very luxuri ous gift! Ako? WALA. Tricia s a part of the past. He sighed. Okay. I m not good with explaining myself. He si ghed exaggeratedly. Tapos nanulis `yung bibig ko. Alam mo ba `yung feeling na gu sto mong magpa-amo. Tipong mag-iinarte ka kasi gusto mong lambingin ka niya. Wel l, if I was going to ask for the moon. Because Julian was Julian. If he would just kiss me and tell me he was sorry then he wouldn t be Julian at al l. I didn t want him to change. Hindi naman talaga masama ugali niya. I mean, okay fi ne, sometimes he was an asshole. But I knew deep down he cared about me. Nakakainis sa inyong mga babae, ang big deal ng nakaraan para sa inyo. I smirked at him. Tell me you love me and I ll forget you even dated Tricia once u pon a time. Anong ibig mong sabihin CM? Nagkita kami sa Starbucks. Ewan ko ba dito kay CM. For me it wasn t even practical eating or even drinking a cup of coffee for how much! Tsk. Kung sa bagay, siya naman ang magbabayad. And hey, we could indulge in life s luxuries once in a while . Babalik na `ko ng States the day after tomorrow. Two weeks from now may gaganapin g Fine Arts contest sa New York. You might want to join Jeannie? Seryosong sabi n ito. Once in a while. Matino namang kausap `tong si friend. I glanced at him. Anong isasali ko? Wala pa nga akong napipinta simula dumating a ko dito. He slowly smiled at me. Hindi ko gusto `yung ngiting iyon ni CM. Paint Julian while sleeping nude. Winner! Tumili pa siya. Mga ka-federation ko ata ang judges. For the win `yun te! Parang kinikilig na tumingala pa ito. Hindi ko n a itatanong kung anong o much better sinong nilalapastangan niya sa isip niya. I t was gross to even imagine. Kung buhusan kaya kita ng kumukulong kape? Gusto mo? I smirked. CM s brow raised. He was looking right through me. Tapos lumingon ako. There was m y sister. And that guy. Vincent? Hmm. It was a little bit over a month and a half simula ng bukingan portion na `yun. Her tummy s five months now. I felt a pang of envy. Jeannie? Tumili siyang lumapit sa `kin. Then we hugged each other. She knew CM by the photos I e-mailed to her before. We chat a little for a while. Pero `yung Vincent. He was eyeing me like, argh, I didn t know. He gave me the creeps, you know. Ang kapal ko naman kung sabihin kun g he was lusting after me, eh kung tutuusin I was my sister s dead ringer. No. There was something there. Sana may baby na rin ako, I silently wished as I touched my sister s rounded stomach . Jean let s go. It s time. Parang balewalang tumayo ito. At nauna na kay Jean. How rude . Were rich men born to be airheads? Julian for one. This Vincent was second on the list. Was he treating my sister well? Ngumiti sa `kin si Jean na parang inaassure ako. Did you know why Julian s business got a downturn? CM s eyes squinted at their backs. I frowned. Ngumuso ito kay Vincent.

Wait, what do you mean? He shrugged. My sister s well-informed. She s one of the cronies of Vincent. This tim e he s got his revenge against the Sunicos. Nasulot niya ang mga investors ni Julia n. I gasped. You re kidding me. He shrugged. That one s ruthless. Kaya nga nagtataka ko dyan sa kapatid mo. Who s her baby s father anyway? Isn t Brad her boyfriend? Parang naguguluhang napatingin ako sa kanya. I hadn t thought about it. I don t know. Who do you think? Mahina kong sabi. He shrugged. Bakit ako tatanungin mo kayo ang kambal `di ba? Anyway, baka naman na g-eenie mini mynie moe `yang kapatid mo? Sino sa tatlo ang tatay ng anak ko? Sosy al. Jean s not like that. My phone started ringing. Hello? Umuwi ka na. Ngayon din. We have a flight to catch up. Julia I gritted my teeth in anger. He cut the line off. Just like that. Akala ko ba nagbago na siya? Mabilis akong tumayo. Then my vision became blurry. My head was spinning. Goodne ss, napakapit ako sa silya. Jeannie? Are you okay? Okay? I groaned. CM. What? I threw up on him. Pero parang wala namang laman ang tyan ko. You re gross. Hindi kaya buntis ka ba? My head swam with all the possibilities. Oh, no. Could it be? As mommy told me, be careful what you wished for coz you just might get it.

TWENTY FOUR I stared at myself in the mirror. May nagbago ba? Nag-pose pa ako. Raised my han d then pouted my lips. Na-realize kong ang sagwa pala. Hindi pwedeng artista Jea nnie. Artist yes. But not as an artist slash actress. I laughed silly at myself. I know, I looked pale. Kinakabahan ako habang hinihintay ko ang result ng PT. CM even suggested we go to the OB. Pero ayoko. If ever na totoo man syempre `yung tatay ng anak ko ang gusto kong kasama. I yanked my tee shirt up. It had been ab out a month and a half since that night. Siguro magiging car racer anak ko `paglaki. Why not? Sa kotse siya nabuo. I giggled. Then I slowly peeked at it with one eye. Plus sign. Positive? Malamang Jeannie, kelan ba naging negative ang plus sign? Parang nababaliw na sabi ko sa sarili. Naiiyak na napaupo ako sa tiles. I wanted to cry and howl at the same time. What now? Paano kung igiit pa rin ni Julian `yung baby making contract namin? I was so stupid. Bakit ko pa kasi pinirmapirmahan. He changed. But he didn t tell an ything about us being together forever. We weren t even married legally! Dahil nga null and void ang marriage contract namin. So ano? Lalaking bastardo ang anak ko? Hindi ko napansing umiiyak na pala ako. I hugged my knees to myself. `Yung hikbi ko naging hagulgol na. God, what would happen to me? I couldn t just give my baby up. Anak ko ito eh. Pinaghirapan ko kaya ang paggawa dito. Seriously, I was a bit disconcerted about mothers who left their children withou t a by-your-leave. Ano `yun mga tuta? Basta na lang ipapamigay. Siguro may mga v

alid reasons sila. Well, I wasn t here to sit judgement on them. It was just that, it was difficult to carry extra pounds for nine months then you d just just Argh. I already love you baby JJ. I smiled and caressed my stomach. Juliet Jean if ever the baby s a she. And Jean(pronounced as John) Julian if a he. Tapos iyak na naman ako. Bakit ba ayaw tumigil ng mga luha ko? Parang gusto kong maglupasay. Biglang bumukas ang pinto. We re going Nabitin ang pagsigaw nito. I swore I wanted to curse Julian. Gusto ko siyang makita. Lalo akong naiyak. Per o naiinis din akong makita siya at the same time. Ano bang problema ko? What s wrong Jeannie? I saw concern in his eyes. Gosh, I might melt. Napakapit ako sa PT at mabilis na itinago sa likod ko. I wasn t so sure why I couldn t just tell him right away. Anon g sasabihin ko, Oi, Julian buntis ako panagutan mo `ko! Baka sakalin ako nito ng w ala sa oras. I shook my head. Basang basa na ang mukha ko ng luha. Tapos Oh, my God. Tumulo `yung sipon ko. Hindi ko sinadya `yun no! Gross. Disgusted, he whispered. At mabilis inilayo ang mga braso kong nakataas sa kanya. Para akong batang nagpapabuhat. I pouted then tears readily pooled down m y eyes. Napakasama talaga ng ugali nito. He sighed. Naawa siguro sa `kin at saka ako niyakap. Tapos pinipilit niyang nila layo `yung polo shirt niya sa `kin. I gritted my teeth. Then I sniffed his shirt . He groaned. Jeannie! What is wrong with you? Wala siyang choice. Sabi ko. Niyakap ko siya. Then I sniffed again. Parang nanga sim `yung sikmura ko. Layuan mo `ko! What! I said get away from me! Excuse me? He looked at me incredulously. Para akong masusuka. Hindi ko gusto ang amoy ng pabango niya. Masyadong matapang . Jeannie stop this nonsense okay? Aalis tayo ngayon din. Mamayang gabi na `yung fl ight. And I shoved him away from me. Tapos tinampal ko `yung bibig niya. Before I could ev en say stop sniggering at me my stomach turned upside down. Umiiyak na sumuka ak o sa bowl. Kadiri man halos isubsob ko na ang mukha ko sa bowl. Jeannie! If you want to fly to the moon, fine with me. Go ahead. Mauna ka na! Hindi ako sa sama! He scowled. That kind of beast scowl he always had. Get away from me! I screamed at him. Nakita kong hindi siya magkandatuto. The grea t Julian Sunico? Parang takot na takot akong hawakan. God. I would have died. Ta pos pinunasan niya `yung bibig ko ng basang face towel. He carried me like a sac k of rice. I said get away Will you just shut up? Para kang loro. My mouth dropped open. My eyes watered again. Napakasama ng ugali niya. Hindi ba niya alam na buntis ako? Sumisigaw siya? `Di kaya marinig ng baby `yun? What is the sigaw niya. Sigaw pa! Napahikbi ako. matter with you? frustrated na bumab a `yung sigaw nito. `Yung tingin niya sa `kin `yung tingin na parang baliw na talaga `ko. Sabi ko lay uan mo nga ako. Ang baho mo kaya. WHAT! Mabilis nitong inamoy ang sarili. He rolled his eyes ceilingward. At nilayuan nga ako! Didn t he know that when a woman said she hated you it meant she cared about you. At `pagsinabing layuan mo `ko ang ibig sabihin lang nun ay pilitin mo `ko. Every woman deserved to be wooed.

Nagtatampo ako kay Julian. Nilayuan nga niya `ko for hours! I called CM on the p hone. Nagkita kami sa isang gay bar kinagabihan. Syempre gay bar nga eh `di may mga halamang dagat na nagpe-perform. Parang nawala lahat ng sama ng loob ko. Am I going to be a godmother, dear? I smirked. Hindi ko hahayaang madungisan ng dugo mo ang baby JJ ko no. He teasingly smiled at me. Baby JJ? Excited? Syempre! Of course, iyan ang bunga ng inyong pag-iibigan ni Julian eh. Kaya nga nate-tempt na din akong mag-asawa para may kumukulbit na rin sa `kin `paggabi. Napalingon agad ako. Buti na lang maingay kaya walang nakarinig ng sinabi niya. I sipped the juice. Magkaaway kaya kami. Sus, ngayong umaga lang `yan `pagdating ng gabi bati na ulit kayo. I hissed and glared at him. Wala na talagang matinong masabi ito. Nagpaalam ka bang aalis? I frowned. Tumaas `yung kilay ko dun. Hindi. I see. Tapos ngumuso siya sa likuran ko. Like in a slow motion I turned around. And the re was him! What was he doing here? Napalingon agad ako kay CM. He was shaking hi s head. I gnawed at my nails. Bumaling ulit ako sa kanya. Through the dim light his face was arhm, expressionless but I clearly saw the way he was looking at me . Patay. Ako. Mamaya. Let s go home, galit na bulong nito sa `kin. Jules kasi CM! Baling ko kay CM. Hello Julian Jeannie s just One angry look. `Yun lang. At tumiklop na si CM. Damn. going home. CM! I thought you re my Ladies and gentlemen, we need someone to volunteer to sing for us. Napatingin ako sa mga halamang dagat sa stage while Julian kept pulling my arm. Anyone? I smiled. Uh-oh. Sorry Julian. Then I raised my hand. Yes? My husband will sing! CM groaned. Julian s eyes grew wide. At halos bumaon sa braso ko ang kamay niya sa pagkakahawak sa `kin. Parang sinasabing patay ka talaga sa `kin . I sweetly smiled at him then turned to the stage. My, he s really sweet. And he loves me so damned much The hell I don t know how to He hissed. Na tapat dito ang spotlight. I couldn t just help imagining the devil himself sing ing a love song for me in front of everybody. Oh, how sweet. Only if I would get out of here alive later. Ang masama pa nito ibitin ako ng patiwarik ni Julian m amaya. I don t know how Pero inakay na siya ng dalawang bakla. The gay who impersonated President Gloria Arroyo patted my husband s rear! Aba. Kung makatsansing. Libre? Julian gave him h is infamous don t-touch-me glare of his. Effective. So, lover boy anong kakantahin mo? I don t know how to sing. Parang nababagot na sabi nito. Biglang naghiyawan ang mga matrona at bakla doon. I beamed proudly. Sisigaw sana akong asawa ko `yan . Kaya la ng baka kuyugin ako dun. Are you single? Julian regarded me with intense dislike. Kapag idineny ako nito ikakaila ko din siyang tatay ni baby JJ. Sabay himas sa tyan. I was waiting for his response. Unf ortunately, no. CM started laughing. Bakit may unfortunately pa?! Really? Very unfortunate nga. So is the lucky girl that one? Todo smile ako. Then my smile slowly faded when Julian cracked a slow, soft smil e about his lips. It wasn t one of those sexy grins or even the self-mocking half-

smile. No. It was full of tenderness. The gay comedian snorted. Oh, hindi pwedeng mag-Careless Whisper dito ha! They left him on the stage. Julian cleared his throat and looked about the surro undings uncertainly. I don t know how to sing really. At ibang sayaw din ang alam k o `yung `yung walang steps. I grimaced. Nagtawanan `yung mga nandun na kala mo kinikiliti. Been running from this feeling for so long Telling my heart I didn't need it, Our eyes met. My eyes got misty. Leigh Nash sang that song beautifully. Sa totoo lang naiyak ako kasi hindi pala marunong kumanta si Julian. Nakakahiya lang tul oy. Buti na lang gwapo siya. At saka ano na lang sasabihin ng mga associates niy a? The CEO was seen singing a love song to his wife. Pretending I was better off alone But I know that it's just a lie, Seriously it was as if he weren t really singing. It was as if he was talking to me through the lyrics. His voice was awkward. Not even a one-fourth of any croakin g vocalists. Yes. He was really croaking and out of tune. Pero hindi lang pala b ulag ang pag-ibig kung hindi bingi rin. Because it was the best song I d ever hear d in my whole life. So afraid to take a chance again So afraid of what I feel inside, But I need to be next to you Oh I, oh I I need to share every breath of you Oh I, oh I I need to know I can see you smile each morning Looking to your eyes each night for the rest of my life Here with you, near with you, oh I I need to be next to you Need to be next to you Right here with you is right where I belong I lose my mind if I can't see you Without you there's nothing in this life I would make life worth living for I can't make it if you're not there I can't fight what I feel any more, He stopped singing. Then he mouthed: I love you.

God. I thought the world stopped revolving. Akala ko sa movies lang nangyayari ` to. Pero ngayon ko lang na-realize Prince Charming was real. He wasn t near perfec t. He was rude, a chauvinist, and a very arrogant ass who thought he owned the w orld. But it was okay with as long as he owned me. Bumaba siya ng stage. Tapos tumayo ako. Eto na, eto na `yung moment na maghahabu lan kami tapos magyayakap kami sa gitna ng maraming tao. `Yung parang shooting. Magpapalakpakan sila tapos kikiligin. Palapit na siya. O kaya he would tell me Je annie you re my life, you re my every

He smiled at me and grabbed my arm. TIGHTLY. I frowned and winced at the same time. Hindi ba dapat CM s eyes widened as he was w

agging his finger: lagot ka. I gritted my teeth. This wasn t one of my fantasies. Ang halos kaladkarin palabas! I tried to smile at everyone. He shoved me inside his car. Grabe, anong tingin niya sa `kin robot?! Julian! Not a word. He said in a controlled voice. Kontrolado nga galit naman. I pouted. He loved me. He did, didn t he? Argh. Mabilis akong tumaas at naglinis `pagkauwi. I saw him packing our things. Aalis pala kami bukas ng madaling araw. To God-knows-where. He felt stripped of his pride. He gritted his teeth. There, he sang a stupid son g he had secretly listening when he was a teenager in front of a crowd. Bugger. He even bared his soul to that brat. Lahat na lang ng gusto nito nasusunod. Tala ga bang nagiging spoiled na sa kanya ngayon si Jeannie? He hissed. Narinig niya ang pagtunog ng cellphone nito. She was inside the shower room. Mabilis niyang tinignan ang cellphone nito. It was so unlike him to snoop into o ther s things. Pero nakita niya ang mensahe ni CM. Jeannie, tell him about the baby. Kung hindi ako ang magsasabi para matapos na ` yang problema mo. He swore he gasped. What baby? Wasn t it ironic? CM would tell him? Didn t he? Jeannie had a baby how? Oh, hell. Iti natanong pa ba `yun? THE USUAL. He was going to be a father without her telling him outright! TWENTY FIVE Disoriented, I woke up and opened one good eye. I gasped. God. I was naked. In b ed with a stranger. Definitely not Julian! And very much naked!

Oh, no. What happened?

Joke lang pala ni God.

Para akong naalimpungatan. I sat upright. Then my stomach got queasy. It was all a dream! Humigpit ang yakap ni Julian sa `kin. His left arm was wrapped around my midsection. He was sleeping close to me, on his stomach. I even brushed the tendrils of wavy hair away from the side of his face to make sure. Si Julian nga! Malay ko ba. I remembered watching Nightmare on Elm Street last night. And Julian seemed withdrawn. Kahit na nga ba nandito pa rin ako sa r oom ko. Mamaya niyan si Freddie na pala `yung katabi ko. God. I was paranoid, wasn t I? Then my stomach started churning. Before I knew it, I was covering my mouth and running to the CR. Sumuka ako dun sa sink. Suka ng suka na wala namang inilalaba s. Habang sumusuka ako ay pinapaliguan ko ng mura si Julian sa isip ko. Naiiyak na subsob na ang mukha ko sa lababo. Puro gastric juices lang naman ang

inilalabas ko. I hate you Julian, she cried. Bakit ba lalaki na lang ang nagpapakasarap at babae ang nagpapakahirap? Why was life so unfair? Uwooo Hawak ang tyan na sumuka ulit. Luha, sipon, pawis. Lahat na. Sorry baby, kasalanan ng magaling mong tatay ito! Umupo ako sa couch at pinagmamasdan si Julian. I was robbed of my power. Para ba ng wala na akong lakas para bukas. It was only 3:00 am! Sh!t. I haven t had a good night s sleep. Kakatulog ko lang kanina. Mamayang umaga pa ang flight namin ng ma galing na lalaki. I opened my eyes and swore. I was in bed. AGAIN? Oh, God no. I specifically reme mbered sleeping on the couch. Had Julian taken me to bed? It seemed so. Bumukas `yung pinto. And my what a sight early in the morning. The father of my b aby was traipsing clad with only a towel around his narrow hips. Para akong nagl away bigla. Droplets of water was sluicing down his body. His hair was dishevele d. Kung ganito naman ang panaginip I might ask God never to wake me up. Ano pang tinitingin tingin mo dyan? Umaga na po prinsesa. May flight pa tayo. My mouth dropped open wide. Okay. Better to wake me up now! I glared at him. What was his problem? I got so lazy. Parang tinatamad akong maligo. Wala sa loob n a bulong ko. In my saner days I would have been also disgusted with myself. Swear, nakita ko ang panghihilakbot sa mukha ni Julian. What! Jeannie may warning na sabi nito. Care ko? I pouted and made face. I buried my face into the pillow. Kulang ako sa tulog. Ayokong umalis. I screamed when I felt Julian s arms around me. He was wet, for Pete s sake! Julian a no ba! I swore I wanted to punch Julian s handsome face. Tahimik lang siya habang nakaupo kami sa eroplano. He was sulking because I didn t take my precious bath. He wrink led his nose. Tapos bigla kong inamoy `yung sarili ko. I didn t smell bad. I even scrubbed myself twice. Isa bang malaking kasalanan iyon? Julian. What! My eyes watered. I couldn t believe it. He was shouting at me! Na para bang first time niyang gawin `yun Jeannie! Oh, God. What was really happening to me? I bit my lower lip and stood up. Where are you going? He hissed. Hindi pa rin nagbabago ang expression nito. Na para bang anumang oras ay sasakalin niya na talaga ako. To Hell. Sasama ka? Inis kong sabi. As if he cares! He glared at me. Sasamahan na kita. I arched my brow. Really? You ll escort me to hell? I said sarcastically. He rolled his eyes ceilingward. Whatever. He shrugged his shoulders. I walked on to the lavatory. And didn t even bother to lock the door. Tapos kapag upo ko sa bowl I started crying like it was the end of the world. Pahikbi lang n ung una tapos palakas na ng palakas. What the hell are you doi Julian s shout seemed to freeze. Goodness. If his wife didn t look pitiful enough. `Wag nang idagdag ang hindi paliligo nito kanina kahit ano ng pilit niya. He didn t really understand how women s minds work. Though sadly he s hould understand her. Oh, God. She was exasperating. Jeannie looked up. Her eyes grew wide. As in. At anong ginagawa ng demonyong si Julian dito? He squeezed himself into the limited space of the lavatory and knel t in front of her. He brushed the wet hair away from her tear-stained cheeks. Jeannie Itinaas ko `yung kamay ko. She frowned. Inabot nito iyon! I stood up and he wrap ped my arms around his neck. He pulled me close. It was a miracle! Note to self: Magpapaparty ako `pag-uwi namin. Had God really answered my prayers? Why are you crying? He whispered. Tapos unti-u nti niyang hinahalikan `yung mga luha ko. Gusto kong kiligin. At magtitili. Was this Julian the stranger in bed, in my dreams, last night?

Saan mo tinago si Julian? bulong ko sa kanya with matching stare-a-thon. Tapos tapos bigla na namang kumunot `yung noo niya. Isn t there something you want to tell me? Ha? Parang hindi nagpa-function `yung brain cells ko. W-wala. Sabi ko. Syempre it had been my specialty: lying through my teeth. And Julian s specialty: growling at me! Julian. Hmm Syempre minsan na nga lang ito lulubus lubusin ko na! Tinatamad akong maglakad. Buhatin mo `ko papunta sa upuan, I pouted. Ano! He shouted no, screamed! God. I thought I thought He looked at me incredulously. Tapos tinanggal niya `yung mga kamay ko sa leeg niya. He stepped out of the lava tory to the door. Nakapaglakad ka ngang mag-isa papunta dito. I bet you re going to be a pig in no ti me at all. I gasped. Grabe. He was such a very considerate and loving husband! My eyes watered. Don t use that on me Jeannie. It won t work unless you tell me what s bothering you! He seethed. Tapos tinalikuran ako! Grabe. Hindi man lang naawa sa `kin. Paano kung makunan a ko habang naglalakad? Syempre sa sobrang stress ko. Kulang ako sa tulog. My knee s might give out. Tapos bumagsak ako sa floor. Ang morbid naman ng mga naiisip k o. I clutched my stomach. My eyes grew wide. So so I should tell him first about about the baby? We were in Morocco for a week. Really? Parang sa panaginip ko lang ito nakikita. It was Uncle Jin s birthday. Julian s real dad. Argh. I shouldn t have known that sec ret. I was a bit overwhelmed. Pero hindi ko rin siya gaanong ma-appreciate kasi si baby JJ. Mukhang baby pa lang manang mana na sa tatay niya. I was so lazy. I merely got out of the room. I didn t want to swim. Na para namang alam ko kung pan o `di ba? Lagi akong nagsusuka if not early in the morning. Sa tanghaling tapat. And I eve n cried when I saw a chicken being killed. Ano ba. Kung iiyakan ko lahat ng mano k na pinapatay para gawin Chicken Joy baka ipasok na nila ako sa mental nito. Are you sick? Uncle Jin asked me once. I shook my head and smiled at them. `Yung smile ko nag-fade. I saw Julian s father striding toward us. Julian was looking intently at him. I almost groaned aloud. Tapos tumayo ito. Bumagsak ang upuan nito. Julian! sigaw ni Aunt Risan. Hayaan mo na siya Risan. Sabi ni Uncle Jin. Mabilis akong nagmano sa papa ni Julian at sinundan ito. Where are you going? To hell. Sasama ka? Galit na sabi nito. His teeth was grating. Hindi ba iyon din a ng tinanong ko kanina sa kanya? Julian naman! Just leave me alone! Dumadagundong ang sigaw nito. I was rooted to the ground. Oo. Sanay akong nasisigawan niya. Pero iba ito. Kung paano hindi ko alam. Maybe bec ause I was just too emotional. Mabilis kong pinahid `yung luha ko tapos tumaliko d sa kanya. Maglalaslas na lang siguro ako sa banyo. I was too emo. Jeannie He hissed. Leave him alone `di ba? Tears streamed down my face. Jeannie! Sigaw ulit nito. Sig e pa rin ako sa lakad. Then I felt a hand wrapped around my middle. He hugged me from behind. Oh, babe I m sorry. He whispered to me and kissed my nape. Tapos humar ap ako sa kanya. He cracked an indulgently smile at me.

Then I slapped him hard. Oh, eh `di na-shock ka ngayon? Gusto kong sabihin iyon sa kanya. But said instea d: We re going to have a baby. Hinihintay kong tumalon siya tapos sabihin niyang Yes, yes, I m the happiest man on earth . But from the looks of it. Mukha siyang maglalakad sa death sentence niya. You re not happy. I already know. And damned if I m not happy! At saka lamang ito ngumiti. He carried me to his car like a sack of rice. We drove off to miles and miles. May dala siy ang mapa. Kapag tingin ko sa back seat I was surprised to see a gift. What s that? Malay ko. Baka nailagay lang diyan. He said innocently. Tapos lumabas na siya. Ano `yun? Naglakad lang dito? I opened the big gift. I was like really? It was a canvass with all its painting materials. I couldn t believe it. It was the best thing ever. Ah, no. Second best gift Julian had ever given me. Syempre baby JJ would always come first. I tried my hands on it. Nakita ko si Julian dun sa may bandang cliff. Nakatayo. As if he owned the world. Sa baba non ay makikita mo `yung dagat. The water was crystal blue. Naalala ko `yung sa Sisterhood of Traveling Pants part two. The se tting was just like this. I painted him for hours with the sunset as the background. Then I even put a chi ld beside him playing with his kite. Ang gandang tignan. It warmed my heart. San a forever na kaming ganito. This was the best of all the best vacation I ve ever h ad. Kapag uwi namin. We heard someone shouting from inside the house. Yep. Uncle Jin owned the house. `Di ba? Hindi talaga nagkamali ang kapatid ko ng pagpili. They were a bunch of rich people. Because you didn t tell him the truth! He shouted. We halted dead in our tracks. My heart skipped a beat. Para iyong scene sa isang pelikula. Could I just shout freeze like what Ella in the Ella Enchanted did? Ju lian let s go someplace else and Tell him! Sigaw ni Mr. Sunico kay Uncle Jin. You re drunk. No! Damn you! Hiyaw nito. What are you doing shouting at Uncle like that when you have no right to You re uncle? Julian s dad laughed demonically. Oh my God. Naamoy ko na ang war of the worlds. Pinipilit kong awatin si Julian. I grabbed his arm. Julian just please stay away from here! What? Galit niyang sabi kay Uncle Jin. What are you talking about Uncle? That fuucking son of b!tch you call Uncle is your real dad Julian! Para iyong bombang sumabog. She couldn t even wonder if everyone would have been d eaf and blind by now. Ang sunod na nangyari ang nakapagpatili kay Aunt Risan. Ju lian lost control and punched Mr. Sunico in the face. You re lying! Julian no! Mabilis ko siyang nilapitan pero ilang beses niyang tinatanggal ang kam ay ko sa braso niya. Everyone was afraid to come to him. Isn t it Uncle Jin? It s the truth. He whispered. Julian froze. Nakita ko `yung sakit sa mga mata niya. I wanted to ease that pain . Then he slammed the vase with full force. He was lashing out. Walang makapigil dito. Kahit ako. Naiiyak na nilapitan ko siya at niyakap. He wagged me off him. Sa sobrang pagwawala niya ay naitulak niya ako. I fell hard and flat out on the floor. My eyes grew wide. Aunt Risan screamed. Blood! There s blood on her thighs. I slowly looked up from Julian s stricken face back to the blood streaming down my thighs. The pain in my tummy numbed me. No no my baby. I sobbed as I felt the pain k illing me. Na parang may kinukuha mula sa katawan ko.

TWENTY SIX I was sent to the hospital. I was in and out of conscious but I saw Julian holdi ng my hand as I was rushed to the ER. Jeannie I m sorry. Please hang on babe He kept w hispering. `Yun yung naririnig ko. Tapos nung ipapasok na `ko sa loob ayaw niyan g pakawalan `yung kamay ko. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang mawala `yung baby JJ ko. With the last ounce of strength I pulled my hand from him. In my blurring vision I saw how defeated he looked. That time, ako ang nasasaktan. Mas ako ang nasasa ktan. Emotionally and physically. But this time, hatred won. I couldn t live with Julian anymore if my baby would be taken from me. I woke up disoriented. My head was pounding. Parang iba `yung room. Then the nur ses were speaking in English. Napataas kilay ko dun. Wow Sosyal na ba ang mga nur ses sa Pilipinas? Are they required to talk in English now? May pisong multa na din ba kapag nag-tagalog sila kapag duty hours? Yeah, right. As if I were in ele mentary again. Then everything suddenly flashed to my memory again. My hand flew to my stomach. `Yung baby ko I cried. A blond petite nurse came to my aid. It s okay ma am you re fine now. Gusto kong sumigaw. Magwala. Do I look fine? Was losing a baby okay to you? But no voice came out. Para akong mamamatay sa sakit. Though my body felt numb. I st arted sobbing hysterically. Even the nurses were calming me down. Tapos biglang bumukas `yung pinto. They were all there. At unang una kong nakita si Julian. Jeannie! Nilapitan niya agad ako. He was about to embrace me when I pushed him hard away from me. I couldn t stand t he sight of him! Get away from me! I shouted. Nagtataka ako kung san ko pa nakukuha ang lakas ko. Doc what s happening to my wife? He screamed in fear. Dapat lang! Dapat lang siyang matakot. Wasn t it long overdue for him to care for me? My heart went out to the tiny little thing who hadn t even seen the world. Hin di ko alam kung ano `yung tinurok nila sa `kin. Basta mabigat `yung pakiramdam k o. I hate you Julian. This time I I m-mean it Finally. My long overdue speech. Two days. Hindi niya `ko pinupuntahan. I missed him and hated him at the same ti me. Naiiyak na napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. I didn t wish him to be dead bu t I did ask for him to fall into a ditch. Death is quicker. Suffering isn t. This would be my last day in the suffocating hospital. Malakas na nga ako eh. Kaya k o ng sapakin sa mukha si Julian. How inconsiderate of him! He didn t even get to v isit me? Ha! Hello okay na ba pakiramdam mo? Uncle Jin smiled at me.

Diretso na tayo sa airport. I nodded again. I could walk, you know. I smiled at Tantan. He was such a dear boy. Ngayon ko lang siya na-appreciate. Kung kailan pa nawala `yung baby ko. Tears were threatening to explode again. I hugged the boy. He squealed. Tapos kinusot ko `yung ilong k o. Naligo ka na ba? The boy frowned at me. Uncle Julian! Mabilis itong lumapit sa Uncle nito. I mean ta ma. Because Celine, Tantan s mother, was Julian s half-sister now that the truth was finally set free. I avoided eye contact. Jeannie. I gave him the don t-Jeannie-me glare. Pinagpraktisan ko kaya iyon. I even memoriz ed a speech when we meet again. On a serious note I didn t want to see him. My hat red ran deep now. At ayokong dumating sa puntong hihilingin kong sana hindi ko n a siya nakilala o kaya naman ay mamatay na siya. That was harsh I know. Uncle Jin pwede po bang sa inyo na lang ako sumabay? Halatang nagulat ito. Awkward. Ahm you talk to your husband first. Sabay tingin kay Julian. I didn t spare that bastaard a glance. I don t have a husband Uncle Jin. Iyon lang. Hija I think you have to talk to him first. Mabilis itong tumalikod at tinapik ang balikat ni Julian. What was the use of talking if all we would ever do was throw snide remarks at e ach other? I drummed my fingers on my arm. Naghihintay na may malaglag na butiki. Kay Julia n. Jeannie listen to me, sabi niya. Pinipilit niyang hawakan `yung kamay ko. I m sorry ab out the baby thank God you re alive and You thank God because I m alive? You bastard! Galit kong sabi. He wasn t even thinking about our baby? Kung sa ibang pagkakataon baka nagtatalon pa ako at isipin kong ako lang ang inaalala niya. You re so selfish! You think only of yourself?! Honey please He combed his hair with his fingers. Na parang hindi alam ang gagawin. Don t touch me! I pushed him hard. But he hugged me. I started crying then. Tapos pi nagsusuntok ko `yung dibdib niya. Malakas. I wanted him to feel the pain. My pai n. Pawis. Sipon. Luha. Lahat na. Lahat ng sama ng loob ko naipon. All the things that I was trying to laugh off in the past months. I m sorry baby, he whispered and kissed the top of my head when I was exhausted. I brushed the tears away angrily. Hindi ako kumikibo. I wasn t even speaking in th e airport or on the way back. Ngayon niya matitikman ang isang salita ni Jeannie . Salitang ilang beses ng nabali dahil kay Julian. Kapag uwi namin sa airport ay nakita ko sina mommy. I embraced them. Ayokong umi yak sa harap nila. Julian raised one brow and didn t comment. CM was also there. H e mouthed: Are you sure? Why are you still here? Tanong ko kay CM. Ayaw mo? Ingos niya sa `kin. He bear-hugged me. Niyakap ko siya `yung parang wala ng bukas. Someone grabbed my arm that moment. Tinatanong pa ba kung sino? Nauna na sina Uncle Jin at ang parents ko. Ano pa bang tinatayo tayo mo dyan? Pasko? Galit na sabi ni Julian. I looked at CM as if I were saying see? I m not going with you Julian. Sabi ko. That stopped him. Good. Ano? Sumigaw ito. First time after so many days. Hinintay niya lang palang maka-re cover ako. Naintindihan mo naman `di ba? I m not going with you. My knees were buckling. I grab bed CM s hand. Pero parang ayaw makisama ng loko. Sabay iling papunta sa direksyon ni Julian. Grabe, kalaking lalaki este, bakla takot kay Julian! They were even of the same size and height. What is your problem? Mabilis pa sa alas-kwatrong hinarap niya ako. He was seethin g with anger. Nagtitimpi siya alam ko. Hindi mo alam? Na ikaw ang problema ko una pa lang? Galit kong sabi. We weren t shou

ting. Come on. Mahiya naman kami, kung hindi man si Julian eh ako. We were in a public place. I took my arm from his grip. Julian I won t go with you anymore. If it s about the baby Of course it s about the baby! Are you stupid? I couldn t live with a killer like you ! A what? He started laughing. Na para bang ang sinabi ko ay isang nakakatawang joke . So the baby was only a joke for him? Sobra na ito! Humihingi ako ng saklolo kay CM through my eyes. He was shaking his head rapidly. He mouthed: Hindi ko asawa `yan. Iyo `yan. What are you talking about? I haven t killed the baby! Hindi siya nawala! Nandyan p a rin siya! He even touched my stomach. I gasped. True? Wasn t he just cracking a s tupid joke on me? Parang maiiyak ako sa tuwa na nababanyo. Ganon kasi ako kapag n ate-tense. Aminin niyo, may mga taong ganon. Baka nga kaisa ko kayo. LOL. My baby JJ? JJ? He raised one brow at me. Yayakapin niya sana ako ng umiwas ako. Anong akala niya ganon lang iyon? Kiss an d make up? Pakipot ako no. Pa-hard to get. In so many words. Dalagang Pilipina. Julian I won t go home with you anymore. I just can t. This time I was so serious I woul d have knocked my head against the wall. I willed myself to be strong. There was so much at stake here. Me, Julian and the baby. Isa lang `yung alam ko: I neede d space. Away from Julian. I m going home with my parents. Jeannie. Hindi ito ang napagkasunduan natin. Nakita kong nagagalit na siya. Nagpip igil lang. He couldn t haul me anymore to his car sa harap ng maraming tao. Well, didn t he always do that Jeannie? I m leaving you. He seemed so shock. Did he think I was joking? Not on this lifetime. Umuwi ako sa bahay namin. I should be happy, shouldn t I? Mom was standing in the middle of the room with Jean. Grabe, dalawa na kaming buntis ng kambal ko. Actua lly, pinag-usapan talaga namin `yun. Sheesh. I started crying. Mommy Ewan ko kung bakit parang naintindihan niya agad ako. Mother knows best talaga. She hugged me like I were a child again. Grabe ngayon pa lang nami-miss ko na si Julian. Could I survive without him? Of course, lalaki lang `yun. True. But Julian would always be a part of me. Three months seemed to pass without any ado. Alam mo `yung feeling na, you re pini ng for that someone that you choose to leave behind? Ngayon ko na naintindihan a ng ibig sabihin ng I love you, goodbye . Dati kasi inisip ko how stupid people were . Why did they have to say I love you? Kung magpapaalam lang din naman sila? Friend Hmm? Kumuha ako ng mga baby clothes. About Julian Deadma. Jeannie naman oh! CM took the baby clothes from my hands. Julian who? Inis kong harap sa kanya. Three months! Halos maglilimang buwan na `yu ng tyan ko ni-hoy wala man lang! Okay, he did call me on the phone. And I cut th e line off immediately. Galit kaya ako ng time na `yun. Sana man lang pinalipas niya `di ba? Wala. Hindi man lang nag-effort na suyuin ako. There were times whe n I wanted to call on him. Someone told me that words weren t enough. Actions were needed. Si Julian Sinong Julian? `Yung nakabuntis sa `yo. I glared at him. May gunting ba dito? CM frowned at me. Meron Tapos lumingon lingon pa. Sa school supplies section. Bakit? Hindi pa naman mag-aaral `yang anak mo ah. Hindi. I d like to cut off your long tongue. I hissed. Jeannie

Oh? Gigil kong sabi. Julian s on the dating scene again. Bigla kong nabitawan `yung baby socks. Parang narinig kong may sumabog na naman sa Iraq. Kung pasabugin ko kaya `yung bahay nila Julian? I gritted my teeth. I w alked past CM and looked for a restaurant. Wala akong narinig. Jeannie Si Julian at si Wala akong pakialam!!! Tila ata mapapaanak ako ng wala sa oras. Napaatras bigla si CM. He raised both hands in the air. Easy ka lang Jeannie. Hin di ako `yung third party. I just heard it from my sister. Then he crossed his arm s over his chest. Na para bang sinasabing: Ah, okay wala ka pa palang pakialam a ng lagay na `yan. I rolled my eyes heavenward. Oh, si Julian o? Biglang turo ni CM. Saan? Sa puso mo Then he started laughing. God. How I would love to wring his neck. Napadpad kami sa Filipino restaurant. Hindi masama ang loob ko. Hindi. Hindi ako depress. Hindi ko napansin sa pagkain ko na pala naibunton ang kung ano mang na raramdaman ko. Oh, Si Julian o? I glared at him. Ngumuso ito. CM s face was devoid of any emotion. Like in a slow motion reel film, I turned around. My breath got hitched. Humigpi t ang hawak ko sa tinidor. CM was really serious! Julian was speaking to a lovel y woman. She looked like a model out of a vogue cover. Samantalang ako? I looked like like I ate hungrily. Angrily! CM winced at me. Gutom ka pa? Lagay pa ito ng lagay sa plato ko. Papatayin ata ako sa pagkabusog ni CM. I went to the comfort room. I started sniffing while I was inside the cubicle. Nasobrahan ata ako. Nagrereklamo si Baby JJ. I started cryi ng. Hindi na naman ako naglilihi ah. I leaned against the cubicle wall. Ang sakit ng tyan ko. I was so bloated. I cou ldn t walk. May isang intrimitidang tinignan ako mula ulo hanggang paa. I didn t car e. Kahit nakakahiya man. He was such a jerk. I almost slipped off the tiled flooring. May mga kamay na biglang umalalay sa `k in. I shouldn t have looked up. Kasi baka makapatay lang ako ng tao. Aaminin ko na gseselos ako. At lalong aaminin kong gusto kong patayin si Julian ngayon din! Those chinito eyes. Why could he be so handsome? I gritted my teeth. Mamaya talaga bibili ako ng cha kang manika. Thanks mister. sabi ko at taas noong naglakad ako. Listen to me Jeannie Did I really hear him pleading? Oh, not Julian Sunico. But he did. Hindi kaya lagnatin ito mamaya? Have we met before? I arched my brow. Nakita ko ang pagpipigil niyang magalit. Sig e lang. Tignan ko kung san siya tatagal. I didn t know why I was pushing him to hi s limits. Hindi ako papansin no! Grr. Jeannie honey He looked at my now rounded stomach. Hinawakan niya `yung siko ko per o mabilis kong iniiwas iyon. I saw him controlling his anger. However you pin a halo to Lucifer he would always be a devil. Just like Julian. You might be mistaken mister. Naniningkit na ang lalong singkit na mata nito. Pwede mo na akong bitawan salamat . Baka kasi naghihintay pa `yung date mo. I sweetly smiled at him. Gustung gusto ko na siyang murahin. I turned my back on him. Dammit Jeannie! Oh, eh `di lumabas din `yung tunay niyang kulay! Stop this playacting of yours. Pinagbigyan na kita these past months. I put my hands on my ears. Galit na inihirap niya ako sa kanya. Jeannie Wala akong naririnig I even sent you flowers. I opened my mouth in a big O. Grabe. Why, thank you. Nasa basurahan na! What! I can t believe it! Those flowers are expensive! Ano bang gusto mo? Nahihirap

an na `ko Jeannie He whispered angrily. Napansin kong naka-lock na pala `yung pint o sa CR. Ni-lock niya! Nahihirapan?! `Yung delivery man `yung naghirap. Hindi ikaw! I was trying to do what you wanted. His teeth was grating. Oo. You re trying to do what I wanted. Tama. Makipag-date ka kahit sinong gusto mo. The hell I care. At least then you won t pester me anymore! He gritted his teeth. Itinaas niya `yung baba ko. Our eyes met. Talaga? Talaga. Kahit magpakasal ako ulit? My eyes grew wide. Damn. Bakit ba hindi ko mapigilan ang reflexes ng sarili kong reaksyon! Something gripped me from within. Parang hindi ako makahinga. Bigla a ta akong nagka-asthma. O kaya aatakihin ako sa puso. Jeannie are you okay? Bigla ni ya akong niyakap. Don t touch me. You didn t even bother to call me to go for me I whispered numbly. He cupped both of my cheeks. Hey, honey listen to me I did call you many times. Yo ur mom talked to me. Sinabi niya sa `king `wag ka munang guluhin at Mommy what?! Biglang nawala `yung pagka-asthmatic kuno ko ah. I straightened up fr om his arms. She asked me, no more like begged me to stay away from you for awhile. At ginawa mo naman! I glared at him. Mommy really did that? I know she was just p rotecting me. Umuwi ka na sa `tin. He begged. Naks. For the second time I heard the great Julian Sunico pleading. Ayoko. Why not? He glared at me. Ooops, ito na naman `yung sumpong niya. You re dating somebody else. Then what? She s a foreign associate. Nothing more. Kung gusto mo kausapin mo He smiled at me in dicating that I was jealous? Hell no! At saka bakit? May lalaki bang umaming nang angaliwa sila. I would have laughed silly if anyone just blurted out: Hey, honey , I ve got someone on the side when you re busy. Nako. Magkakalintikan talaga. Not because I couldn t ahm perform for him that he wou ld find somebody available. So like men. Tapos syempre itatanggi nila `yun. Pero may madaan lang na maganda at sexy `yung titigan mula ulo hanggang cleavage na. Perform meaning do my wifely obligations. Tsk. Jeannie please It didn t sound like begging to me now. It sounded like a warning. Okay. You re going home with me now? On one condition. What?! I nodded rapidly. So happy with myself. Ligawan mo muna ako. TWENTY SEVEN I was smiling stupidly in the mirror. Weren t the roses red and violets blue? Oh, God. Nakangiti ako habang nakaharap sa salamin. I felt like the most beautiful w oman in the whole world. Ay, hindi lang pala feeling `yun. Alam ko talaga, I was Angelina Jolie s missing twin sister. Hindi pa lang siguro niya alam. I frowned. Biglang sumipa si Baby JJ! Baby I cooed. There was unfamiliar warmth in my heart. Gumagalaw `yung baby ko! It was amazing how God could implant a living soul within us. Siguro kahit papaano hindi rin naman malas ang mga babae. Do you agree with mommy? Sumipa ka ulit baby para twice, meaning Oo. Tapos hinimas ko ulit `yung tummy ko. Baliw na ata ako at hinihintay ko ngang gu malaw ulit ito. Pero wala talaga. Don t tell me, nagmana ito ng tantrums sa daddy niya. Tsk. Bad vibes. You look hapy anak? Ganyan nga smile. Gumagalaw na ba `yung apo ko? Mommy looked at me from head to toe. Why mommy? Nothing She shrugged. San ka pupunta?

Going to watch TV. No! Napataas `yung kilay ko dun. Wala lang baka kasi kung ano pang makita mo maging kamukha pa ng apo ko. Mommy smiled at me. `Yung ngiting halatang may itinatago. O baka gut feel ko lan g. Whatever. Basta ang mahalaga I was way too happy to bother with the problems of the world. I picked one stem from the bunch of flowers. I winced at her. Mommy, I m way past that stage. At saka I pouted. Picture kaya ni Ju lian `yung tinititigan ko nung time na `yun. He loves me, he loves me not, he lov es me he Lalong tumaas `yung kilay ko dun. Last petal. Jeannie! I frowned. What the hell was CM doing here? Again? Hindi kaya ang masama pa nito siya pa maging kamukha ng anak ko. Oh, God no. I could smell something fishy. At si CM nga ang masangsang na amoy na iyon. Look at this! What? I glanced at the newspaper he was holding in my face! I didn t even bother to look closely at the news clipping. Ano `yan? Balewalang tanong ko. I was just wait ing for Julian to drop by. Sabi niya pupuntahan niya daw ako ngayon. Nakakahiya naman `di ba? Ngayon pa kami magliligawan kung kailan naka-bingo na. Sheesh. What s this? I didn t know why my heart started hammering wildly. Narinig ko `yung pagkatok sa pinto. CM just excuse Ako na. Mommy volunteered. No mom, it might be Julia She was already out even before I could finish what I was going to say. CM avoided eye contact with me. After clearing his throat he put the news clipping away. Ewan ko ba. Pero umandar na naman `yung pagiging psychic ko. There was something wrong here. CM ano `yan? Ito? ah wala. He smiled sheepishly. CM! Mabilis kong kinuha `yung dyaryo sa likuran niya. Jeannie He wasnow gnawing his nails. Oh? Ito lang pala eh. Sabi ko. There was a couple cap tured kissing. Who are they? He winced. Ay, tanga. I gritted my teeth. Then I slowly gasped. It was a major no-no! Hindi hindi si I saw CM nodded rapidly at me. Na parang sinasabing: Oo, nakakaawa ka . Jeannie! Oh. The moron was standing there looking so smug like he owned the world. Yes. H e owned me, didn t he? For five million pesos! He slowly gave me that charming, sexy smile. I gritted my teeth in anger. I was rooted to the ground. Hey, he said and handed me a bunch of red roses. He should have bought me those wi th thorns. Nakatingin lang sa `kin si CM. I just stared at him. Honey, are you ok ay? He kissed the side of my mouth. Judas s kiss. Damn him. Humigpit ang kamay ko n g kinuha ko ang bouqet. I smiled at him. Too achingly sweet. Mabilis kong binagsak ang mga roses sa sahi g. What the hell are you doing? He hissed. Nanlalaki ang mga mata nito. I stepped on his peace offering! Once. Twice. Thrice. Dahil galit ako. Dahil naiiyak ako. Why was it that every time I thought everything was going to be perfect it would al l turn out to be worst than I expected? Why did Julian have to hurt me many many more times before he would see my worth ? Hanggang ilang beses pa ba? I was feeling and acting crazy I know that. Bummer . Ang arte ko no? Ang drama ko. You always make me up just to put me down. Naiiyak na ko. I was so mad I was going to explode. Ah no. I was exploding! I hated him. Alam ko gasgas na `yun. What are you Napatingin ito sa dyaryong hawak ni CM. Mabilis na binitiwan iyon nito

at binigay sa`kin. Ooops, I m outta here. I opened my mouth in disgust! Napapagod na `ko sa `yo Julian. If you still don t sense that well too bad for you. I whispered furiously. Lagi na lang kami ganito. Mag-aaway. Magbabati. Magmamahal an. Will you just get out? Out of my life Julian. Jeannie Lilian kissed me I didn t know there was a paparazzi So kung wala pala dun baka kung saang biglang liko pa kayo nagpunta?! I was shouti ng now. My stomach started contracting violently. Oh holy sh!t. Was baby JJ sensi ng anything? Jeannie He took hold of my arm. I quickly pushed him off me. Get out!!! I hissed. Tea rs were blinding my vision. The doctor told me that I should get some rest. No stress. Mahina ang kapit ng b ata. Iyon ang sabi nito. Pero hindi ako naniniwala don. Malakas kaya kapit ko ka ya for sure dapat mana sa `kin si baby JJ. I was out walking that night. I start ed sniffing. Hindi naman ako magpapagod. I just needed time off alone. Nakaupo ako sa may bench. It was a cold night in December. Without arms to wrap around you. Teka. Hindi ba malamig naman talaga kapag December? Ano bang formula sa pagmu-move on? Pano ba `ko magmu-move on lalo na kung wala n aman talagang closure? I started sobbing. Why did it have to hurt so bad? Na min san akala mo wala ng katapusan? I wasn t asking for a happily ever after. Hindi ko ginustong maging character sa fairy tale books na kinukulayan ng mga bata. Or b etter yet my soon-to-be baby JJ. Syempre fetus pa lang siya ngayon no. I never asked for a perfect relationship. Pero hindi ba secretly all the girls i n town wished that? Deep down even if how many times we deny it, it was all true . I didn t need Edward Cullen to be Bella. I didn t have to be Princess Fiona to have the likes of Shrek. Eeeh. `Wag na lang. But seriously, we couldn t love someone who s faultless. Walang taong ganon no. Mero n. Oblation sa UP. Look at him. He was all big aherm I mean he was almost perfect. K ung totoong lalaki nga lang siya baka babae na ang tumakbong hubad para dito. He was made to be perfect. But he wasn t anywhere near human. Couldn t just Julian see my worth? Sabi nila: iwanan mo na `yung taong hindi ka naman kayang pahalagahan. He might see your worth when you re gone. Kailan bang mawala ka pa? What if dun ka masaya? Would you fight for him or let go? My whole body was rocking violently. Then suddenly my stomach contracted. Gumala w si baby JJ! Sorry, baby I just miss you dad. I whispered. There was no point denying the obviou s. Maybe acceptance would eventually set me free. Grabe. I was too emotional. Pwede na nga akong magsulat ng Dear Ate Charo dito. Kung dati tinatawanan ko lang `yu ng mga taong na-iinlove sabay sabing ay saludo ako sa `yo teh, nadaig mo pa si Ri zal . Bakit hindi? I always described them as: STUPID. All in capital letters. Why not? Because I d never been bitten by the love bug before. My friends cried over my sho ulder. They wept. They cursed their jerks of a boyfriend. I was like are you okay ? Sympathetic. Pero ngayon ko lang na-realize. No amount of gentle words could ever mar the pai n. Kahit ilang beses mong marinig ang salitang tanga mapa-english man `yan o ibang lenggwahe. You couldn t just stop your idiot of a heart from beating for that pers on. Arms wrapped around my rounded middle. I gasped. Nag-panic ako. Drunkard on the street! Papalag sana ako. SANA. Jeannie, it s me. Argh. Why did a mere whisper in the ear from him and then my heart start beating triple time again and again. Kung memory storage lang ang puso hindi ba pwedeng

mag-erase? What are you doing here? I hissed and tried to take his arms away from me. Amoy al ak. He had been drinking! Malamang amoy alak nga eh. Gah. Now I was getting stup id. He caressed my stomach and I could feel him from behind me. He was all lean and strong. I didn t ever wonder now why I couldn t exchange him with Shrek. He could be a very green monster you know. But he wasn t that bad. Paano kaya kung magkaanak din kami ng tatlong Julian? I shivered. Please come back to me honey. Bulong nito. He wasn t really begging but his voice wa s a mere whisper. My eyes were watering. Tapos galit na tinanggal ko `yung mga kamay niya. I was a bout to run from him. Nang muntik na akong matapilok. I screamed. I slipped off the pavement but I anchored my elbow so my stomach wouldn t fall head-on. Mabilis akong nasalo ni Julian. But my hips already bumped into the flooring. Jeannie! Damn you! Julian I was crying like a child, clutching his arm tightly. Sssshhh I m here baby. Sabi nito. Damn you! You always scare me. Bakit ba napaka-clums y mo?! Sigaw nito. Tapos mabilis niyang itinaas `yung dress ko. My eyes grew wide . Surely surely he wouldn t want to Argh! Not here. Julian this is a public place! Kahit na nga ba walang ta He looked at me incredulously. Shut up. His voice held warning but his touch was g entle as he brushed the tears away from my cheeks. Thank God there was no blood. Aren t you hurt? Let s go the nearest hospital and So tinititigan niya lang pala kung may dugo `yung thighs ko. Argh. Green Monster. Malay ko ba, baka iniiisip niyang kulang pa sa daliri si baby JJ kaya pwede pa naming buuin. I was so pathetic. Trying to make everything okay and light. Jeannie What! What you saw in the news isn t real. Makinig ka sa `kin. Julian you can visit baby JJ anytime you want. You re still the father and I can t de prive you of that. I paused. Naiiyak na suminghot ako. Jeannie Don t worry about him I ll try to be the best mother I can be. Syempre financial supp ort is always open mmmkay? Let s just go on separate ways. Okay. My eyes grew wide. Had he just said okay?! He was such a cad. It was just fine with you? I whispered brokenly. He gritted his teeth. Anong gusto mong sabihin ko? Sigaw nito. You are all warmed u p and kept on talking about baby JJ s future. Specifically without me in your life . galit na sabi nito. You don t want to listen to me, don t you? Kayong mga babae. Onc e you ve said your piece you had it all figured out that you re right when in fact y ou re wrong. I saw the picture on the news clipping! Okay. You saw that one. I ll admit. Lillian kissed me! I didn t kiss her for Pete s sak e Jeannie! Are you listening to me! I started crying. Here he was, defending himself. Pano ko siya hindi maririnig s a sigaw niya? I didn t try to be the hero you want me to be babe. I could never be anyone s prince charming. Akala mo ba lahat ng lalaki gustong maging prince charming? No. That w as rubbish. He whispered. I was real babe. Feel this He hissed and took my hand. He put it on his heart. At kung ibababa mo pa `yung kamay mo malalaman mong tao ako. Lalaki ako. Not some hypocritical character of some fancy novel. Julian s face softened. Jeannie listen to me there were music and candlelight dinner s here. Or even an orchestra. I d even tell you outright that yes, I ve lusted for y ou since day one. His adam s apple bobbed up and down. I was quite fascinated. Was he nervous?

I could be any man and tell you I love you every day. But this is me. Julian. He looked at me. Really looked at me. Siguro kaya maraming nabubuntis ng maaga n gayon. Dahil sa tingin na ganon. Sheesh. Nah. Just kidding. Masarap gumawa ng ba by. Pero mahirap magpalaki ng baby. I can t just boom, he shrugged, change for a day just because you say so. There are and will be times that I can t make you feel special because because I wan t to shout at you. At your stupidity and silliness. I could tell you that I know a lot about women. But that would be a joke. Big tim e. He chuckled nervously. Kahit wala naman talagang nakakatawa. Because no man eve r did. Talaga nga bang mahirap ispelengin ang mga babae? And I can even promise you that I ll never hurt you Hindi na niya pinapahiran `yung luha ko sa mga mata. It was flowing freely. That will be the best lie ever. Sa lahat ng iyon isa lang kaya kong aminin sa `yo with all honesty: Kahit mukha k ang bola sa paningin ko he cleared his throat. You re the next best thing that happen ed to me. And I don t know what I d do without you. Men were born to be polygamous. My professor in Psychology once said. Not that I told you to tolerate their being babaero . Pero we couldn t ask for a sain t, `di ba? Hindi masaya ang buhay kung magtititigan lang kayo. On a serious note , I believed that there s one woman who can make a man a one-woman-man.

TWENTY EIGHT When I was a kid I was bothered with my parents petty quarrels from the spilled j uices down to the wet home slippers on the bathroom. Jean and I started growing up. At kami rin, we started arguing from our pony tails down to our crushes. Sin o bang mas gwapo? `Yung crush nyang kahawig `yung bida sa nightmare before Chris tmas? O si Johnny Depp sa Edward Scissorhands? And the biggest competition ever: Sinong mas maganda? Great. As if we didn t have the same face. Married life was never perfect. Bakit ba eh, when Jean and I were ready to rip e ach other s head s off our shoulders. Aba. Nakikisigaw na din si mommy. Sumbong kay daddy. Tapos kapag sila nag-aaway they d both tell us, take note: in chorus, to sh ut up. Hindi nga ba t mahirap magpalaki ng mga magulang? In the three months I came back to Julian, I had gone to Heaven then back to hel l. Bakit ba hindi? Daig ko pang kasama si Hitler. Jeannie! I heard that shout. Er r, growl. Jeannie!

I hadn t heard a word. JEANNIE! I put the big pillow over my head. Jeannie! I know you re not asleep. Tinanggal niya `yung unan sa mukha ko. I closed m y eyes tightly. Grabe, ang hirap magpanggap ng natutulog. Damn you! Where did you put the documents? He was now shouting. May bago ba? I gritted my teeth and then groaned. Hmm Jeannie. Nauubos na pasensya ko. His voice held warning. Anong pakialam ko?! Walan g utang-na-loob! Ingrato. I just helped yaya Oreng clean his study room. Jeannie kapag hindi ka Ano? Anong gagawin mo?! Sigaw ko. Gigil na ibinato ko `yung unan. Bull s eye. Right on his face. He was now scowling. Oh, God. Have I awakened the beast in him agai n? Tumaas `yung kilay ko. Tapos nag-tremble `yung lower lip ko. Humikbi ako. Julian s face softened. Hoho. Winner! He sighed exaggeratedly and tilted my head up. Nanulis `yung bibig ko. Tears wer e pooling in my eyes. Kapag hindi na ako pwedeng bumalik sa New York makasali na nga lang sa starstruck dito. Dream. Believe. Survive. Alam mo Jeannie hindi na uu bra sa `kin `yang arte mong `yan. I pushed him hard away from me. Galit akong tumayo. Can t you be more endearing and and I gritted my teeth in anger. Tinulungan ko na nga si manang na ayusin `yung mal agubat mong study room! Kung sabagay who dwells on that jungle? A monkey! I screa med at him. We were really screaming. Goodness. In the middle of the night. Jeannie nasan `yung mga lumang folder sa cabinet? He said. Ayan. More gentle this t ime. Na para bang nagsisisi siyang pinabalik niya pa `ko di No... Bakit siya mags isisi? `Di ba dapat ako? I slowly smiled at him. Alin don? `Yung tirahan ng mga b ukbok? Ah, tinapon ko na lahat `yu WHAT??? Oh. My. God. I swore I took three steps backward. Nabilang ko pa talaga siya. He looked like he was ready to wring my neck. Narinig kong naglagutukan `yung mga buto niya sa knuckles. I shivered. Of course, Julian wouldn t hurt me at least physi cally. Without a word he turned his back on me and walked toward the door. Julia He raised one finger as if saying don t talk to me . EVER. Julian naman oh, bulong ko. Okay. Hindi naman ako masokista no. Pero I could even h andle Julian shouting at me when he was mad. But not cold treatment on his part. I started sobbing. That rooted him to the ground. Napangisi ako. I cried louder . Tapos sinabog ko ng onti `yung buhok ko. I just helped you hiccups. clean, hiccups, sniffs, the mess in your study room. He turned around slowly. Napaupo ako sa kama. My tears stopped immediately. Oh-k ay. Bummer. This was damned serious. Help me? Papatayin mo ba talaga ako Jeannie? He whispered furiously. He brushed the locks of hair away from his face. God. An g gwapo talaga ng asawa ko. Even when stressed. Kaya pala bumenta ang punchline na you re cute when you re angry . Because of Julian. He glared at me. Binasa mo ba? Kung hindi ka namakialam at binasa mo Hindi. Jeannie naman Parang stress na stress na sabi nito. Sana kahit `yung kontra na lang natin o titulo ng bahay niyo `yung tinapon mo Hinahanap ko nga kanina. `Wag ka na lang gumalaw. Alam mo `yun? Palpak eh. My mouth dropped open. Nanlisik bigla `yung mga mata ko. How dare him! Naiiyak n a talaga ako. I was pregnant and he was what? Shouting at me. Mas mahalaga pa ba ang binubukbok na folder na `yun?! I stood up with chin in the air, chest out and protruding stomach out, and walke d across the room. To the closet. Pabalibag kong binuksan `yun. `Yung tipong buk as pagsisisihan ko kung bakit nagkalamat `yun. I took out all my clothes. I heard him sigh. Pakiabot nga `yung bag. I said in a cold tone.

Tapos tapos inabot nga niya! Galit na binato ko lahat ng damit don. Anong ginagawa mo? What do you think am I doing? Hinihingal na `ko. My eyes were bloodshot. My nose w ere stuffed with you know. Err. I almost screamed when I turned to find myself lo oking back at me in the mirror. Monster! I looked like Princess Fiona now. Naiyak akong lalo. I was so big and round. Par a akong hippopotamus. Kaya siguro ayaw niya na sa `kin. Uuwi na `ko sa parents ko. Parang batang sabi ko sa kanya. Tumaas `yung kilay niya. He snorted. Hindi ka naniniwala? Galit kong sabi. He smirked then snorted. I opened my mouth i n disgust. Siya kaya ang manganak! Puro lang siya pasarap tapos magagalit pa siy a sa `kin? Well, these past months we hadn t ahm . aum. Sabi kasi ng doctor bawal daw akong mapagod. Eh, ito namang si Julian masunurin! Hmp. Samantalang ako naman a ng may katawan. Bakit kaya hindi ako ang tanungin ni Julian? Baka ang sagot ko ay Oo. Oo. Mapapagod nga ako. LOL. Kaya hindi muna pwedeng gumawa ng Baby JJ the second . I even saluted him for his control. Next to Andres Bonifacio. Atapang atao di at akbo. Papatayuan ko na nga ng monument itong si Julian. Na nakataas pa ang sanda ta niya ha. For the likes of him. Three months was like applying for sainthood. Uuwi na talaga `ko. Sabi ko. I was all set. Tapos tumigil pa ako sa may pintuan. A ng bigat ko na nga ang bigat pa rin ng bag ko. He rolled his eyes ceilingward. N a parang naghahanap ng milagro sa kisame. Bukas na gabi na eh. Delikado sa daan. My mouth turned into an indignant O. Jeannie hindi mo ba naisip na ilang beses na ang pagbabalak mong lumayas? If I m goi ng to count it with my fingers save the part after the almost miscarriage thing . W ell. Walo na. He nodded rapidly. Naiiyak na naman ako. Napaupo ako sa may gilid ng pinto. I started sobbing like that of the child s. Loud. Uncontrollable. Naramdaman kong lumuhod siya sa harapan ko. Babe, stop crying please it won t do any good to our baby. I felt his arm snaked behind my back the other one was under my thighs. Binuhat niya `ko! Napakapit akong bigla sa leeg niya. He winced. Nung unang try. Epic fail. Lalo akong naiyak. I was so big, he couldn t carry me anymore. As in BIG. And ugly . Sheeeshhh he kissed my swollen lips. Tapos pinilit niya ulit akong buhatin. I wra pped my arms around his neck. He chuckled. Do you know what sound you emit when y ou snore? I don t snore. You do. Like this: oiiink oiiiink I gritted my teeth. Tapos hinampas ko siya. Sabay kaming nagkatinginan. Tapos ta wa. It felt so good to be in his arms like this. He kissed the tip of my nose. Te ll me I m beautiful. I pouted. Ngumisi ito. You want me to lie? I hissed at him. Syempre I ll tell you you re the most beautiful woman in the world. In my eyes only. He sighed. Thank my failing eyesight for that. He put me down on t he bed. Nag-bounce `yun mattress. Nakakainis talaga. Grr. I d start on my diet aft er I give birth. Oh. Goodness. I thought I was dreaming. Mababanyo daw ako! Tapos sumasakit `yung tyan ko. I winced as the contraction was violent. The spasm overtook all consid eration. God. Why did it hurt like this? Manganganak na ba ako? Julian! I tapped his shoulder.

He groaned. Julian! What? Manganganak na ata ako. I was in a state of panic How could I? I was only eight mon ths on the way. Everything was all set. Ayos na din ang room ni baby JJ. But goo dness gracious I hadn t expected him this soon. Jeannie oh, God. He tried hard to calm his nerves. Nagmamadaling binuhat niya si Je annie. Must have been reflex action. Buhat niya ito habang kinukuha ang susi ng sasakyan sa drawer. He shouted for the maids to come upstairs. Nagkakagulo sa bu ong bahay. I was bleeding profusely. I started crying. The pain was overriding a ll sense of logic from me. I wanna die. Julian I clutched at his shirtsleeve. Sumisigaw na ito. He took the matters into hi s own hands. He drove his Porsche while I was panting on the passenger seat. We didn t know how we arrived at the hospital with just the two of us. Umiiyak. Na tatakot. Gusto ko ng magwala at magmura. The pain was killing me. It was as if I was torn apart. Dammit. Can t you just take care of my wife first? Galit na sabi ni to habang may inaabot na fill-up form. I took Julian s hand, never letting go. Magulo. Maingay. Nagkakagulo. I didn t know where they were taking me. All I know was that I was very, very frightened. Julian squeezed my hand. I tried to crack a reassuring smile through my labored breaths. I closed my eyes. My mind kept telling me: I couldn t stand the pain anymore. I op ened my eyes again. But I couldn t stop the fight. Julian and baby JJ was rooting for me.

There was something wrong. That was what the doctor had said. But he didn t know w here had gone awfully wrong. He didn t want to cry. Not that tears made men weak. It was just that he should be the pillar of strength for Jeannie. As cause of preterm is known. After knowing all complication of pregnancy decisio n has to be taken whether to allow the pregnancy to continue or not. The risk of delivery of a low birth weight baby has to be weighed against the risk involved to the unborn and mother in continued pregnancy. Bullsh!t. What do you mean? Sigaw niya dito. Hindi matanggap ng utak niya kung ano mang medical theory ang sinasabi nito. In his saner days he would have given co nsideration and credit to their profession. Pero wala siya sa katinuan para gawi n iyon! He couldn t praise them if they couldn t save Jeannie God. His precious Jeannie. Hindi siya relihiyosong tao. Pero sa mga panahong iyon. Bawat segundo ay nagdara sal siya para sa mag-ina. He even promised God of a lifetime of rectitude. Only o nly HE would spare Jeannie. His Jeannie and baby JJ. I m sorry. Parang nanlamig ang katawan niya. Didn t saying sorry was the worst word ever in w omen s vocabulary? Well, he could have said not his . His breath got hitched. You have to choose between your wife and the baby. Or else they ll both die. No Numb. Tired and lost. You can talk to your wife she s in and out of consciousness. But we have to hurry, the doctor gave him that look. Pity. Galit na sinuntok niya ang pader. Why was this happening to them? Mabilis siyang pinagsuot ng hospital gown. He was inside in a flash. He would ha ve cried and fainted at the sight of Jeannie in pain. With blood all over her th ighs. She opened one eye. Ju lian my baby she started hiccupping. Save my baby. Pleas took my hand. I kissed her on her sweating forehead. Remember this I love you both. Julian no save baby JJ. She kept pleading while squeezing his hand. She would hate me, he knew. It was an either-or proposition. And dammit, he coul dn t afford to lose Jeannie. I we lost our very first baby.

TWENTY NINE We couldn t have everything we wanted in life. Before I thought love was all there was. I could have Julian and it would be perfect. Pero hindi nga ba hindi lang pala love ang mahalaga sa mundo. Life. I didn t want to wake up because I knew the pain was there. Hindi ko gustong sisih in si Julian. It wasn t his fault. I should have been more understanding. Should w as the operative word. But in the best of circumstances. Ayokong umunawa. Nababa lutan ng sakit at galit ang logic ko. Kasi nasasaktan ako. Gusto ko ako ang unawain nila. Gusto kong ako ang intindihi n nila. At gusto kong ibalik nila sa `kin si Baby JJ ko. I wasn t crying. I stopped crying the day Julian told me: I love you Jeannie that I d choose to live without our baby than you. I could have jumped with joy even with my stitches on. I could have kissed him o n the lips. Pero ano ang ginawa ko? Minura ko siya. Pinalayas. I even told him h e killed our baby. Oh, yes. I know I was playing at being the self-centered b!tc h. Hindi lang akin si Baby JJ. He was also his. And God s. It had been two months since then. I even asked HIM many times why. Lagi nilang sinasabing ang lahat ng bagay ay may rason. So, bakit pa niya ibinigay sa `kin k ung kukunin niya rin lang naman? Jeannie kakain na tayo I didn t look over my shoulder. I was immersed in finishing the painting I had sta rted in Morocco. How ironic, the one I had done right the first day I told Julia n we were going to be a family. Even CM went home to see me after joining the co ntest in New York. Hindi ko nga maintindihan kung bakit pa sila nagpa-barbecue p arty! Why? Hindi ako naniniwalang gusto nila `kong sumaya! Jeannie I wanted to be alone! Gusto ko `yung isigaw. Pero napapagod na `kong magsalita k ahit wala pa naman akong sinasabi. I felt her beside me. Motherhood is the best fulfillment a woman could ever have. Bulong ng kakambal ko. I shrugged my shoulders. Unti-unting humarap. Gusto ko sanang sabihing nananady a ka ba? But said instead. You go eat without me. Jeannie stop this to yourself and Julian. Hindi mo ba naisip na I know it would be t oo clich to tell you this. Malulungkot `yung baby mo kung ganyan ka. I rolled my eyes. Tumayo ako para wala ng pagtatalo. I followed her to the lanai . Nandun silang lahat sa may gilid ng pool. Mommy smiled and waved at me. Pinili t kong pagalawin ang muscles ko sa panga. Hindi nga ba gasgas na `tong ganitong pakiramdam? You felt like crying but still gave the world a smiling fvcking face . How was that? Jeannie Julian smiled at me tentatively. I asked her with my eyes. What do you want to eat? Anything. Bulong ko. Hindi ko alam kung kailan `yun nagsimula. Was it the day afte r I cursed Julian to hell? Pero isang buwan isang buwan akong niyayakap ni Julian sa gabi habang umiiyak ako. He would rock me to sleep and kiss the top of my he ad. I remembered that one morning I woke up. Someone was hugging me tight I couldn t breathe. Tama. Ganyan nga. Till my breath would be sucked out of me. Gusto ko ng mamatay. Ayoko ng makaramdam ng ganitong

sakit. It was almost unbearable. I couldn t even go to the nursery room. At lalong ayokong makakita ng mag-ina. Minsan nga natatakot na rin ako sa sarili ko. Pano kung mabaliw ako? Paano kung manguha na lang ako ng bata at angkinin kong anak? God. That was so pathetic. Umiiyak agad ako first thing in the morning. Ni hindi ko man lang nakita kung pa ngo ba `yung baby ko. Kung may potential future child star ba siya? I didn t even get to hear him or her wail and kick. It was so unfair. At one point I even blamed Julian. Sana pinili na lang niya si baby JJ kung ganito rin lang kasakit. I shouldn t be surprised when an arm drew me closer. But funny I did. Nung panahon g iyon. Wala akong pakialam kung nandun man siya o wala. It was only my sorrow t hat was important. He didn t say a thing. He just snored and let me cry on his che st. I was too selfish to even ask him if he was also in pain about the loss. Our loss. I didn t doubt my love for him. But I started doubting about the future. And life itself. Months had passed. Siguro okay na `ko. Siguro. Jeannie! Tumaas `yung kilay ko. Kung makatili naman kala mo ambulansiya. I looked at CM. What? I asked impatiently. Tapos na ang christening. The people were everywhere in our house. Ano pa nga ba. I was out in the garden alone. Nakatingin lang sa swi mming pool. Why are you alone? Lalong tumaas `yung kilay ko. These past months napapansin kong kahit saan ako p umunta somebody was with me. Nakunan lang ako para na akong nagkaroon ng mga bod yguards. What s with you people? Inis kong sabi. Ah nothing. He cleared his throat and looked away. Anong akala mo sa `kin? Tatalon ako dyan sa pool? Hindi naman kaya lang sabi kasi ni Julian kausapin daw kita at baka Baka magpakamatay ako dito? Gigil kong sabi. He shrugged. Yes. Why not? The Jeannie I know so well would be dead by now if she didn t talk even a minute. I looked away and met Julian s eyes across from us. He wa s still the same handsome devil I fell in love with. But something along the way changed us. Ako ba? O siya? I suddenly missed him. Missed him shouting at me. D ragging me to God-knows-where. He became gentler. Maalaga. To the point na kulan g na lang ay suutan niya `ko ng panty. Well. I would very much like that. The same spark was still there. Pero somehow along the way we became more of strangers than lovers. We merely talked anymore. Alam mo te, may tawag dyan eh. Napalingon ako kay CM. Tigang. Tuyot. At uhaw sa pagmamahal. In short... kulang ka lang sa dilig. I glared at him. Pwede ba CM! Kung sa bagay kung magpapakamatay ka mas maraming magiging masaya. Tignan mo nga k ung pano paglawayan ang asawa mo. Nagtataka nga ako kung naglalakad na ng nakahu bad mamaya `yan eh. Ui, do you know that there was another exhibit? This one s the big event of the yea r. Baka lang gusto mong sumali. I know that painting has been your outlet after t he He cleared his throat. Magsasalita sana ako ng dumating si Jean. Karga niya si baby Czarina. There was sudden warmth that I hadn t felt in ages months now. Can you hold her for me? she hesi tantly asked CM while looking at me. Ano bang tingin nito sa `kin? Kikidnappin k o anak niya? God gave me mercy. I gritted my teeth. Give me baby Czarina Nagkatinginan `yung dalawa. Pag-umpugin ko kayang `tong dalawa ng `to? Sheesh. I forcefully took the almost seven month old baby. She was smili ng at me. Oh, goodness. Hey, beautiful. Ano ha? I started cooing sounds. CM winced at me. Jeannie? Hmm?

Bakit ang ne ne negrita ng baby ni Jean? Don t tell me salamat lotion lang kayong dalaw a? I opened my mouth in disgust. Trust CM to say all the wonderful things. Napatiti g ako sa niece ko. Okay, she s a bit dark. Oh, very dark. Pero maganda pa rin. Mer on ba sa pamilya namin ang pangit? Syempre wala. Nakita ko si Julian na papalapi t. My heart was beating wildly. Para akong teenager na nakatitig sa kanya. Na na ghihintay hingin ang number ko. Tapos papakipot muna ng onti. Hi having a great time? He awkwardly said. I nodded. Let me see her oh, beautiful chi ld. How can you say beautiful agad eh, baby pa nga? Ang itim pa ni Czarina! CM! Sigaw ko. He grinned at me. Just kidding. Syempre inaanak ko ata `yang si Czari na no. She ll be as beautiful like her ninang. Can I hold her? He took the baby from me gently. He was cooing and tucking her like he was the r eal father. Naiiyak na naman ako. Kaya tumalikod na lang ako. I couldn t afford to see them. Jeannie! Narinig kong ibinigay nito kay CM ang bata. Tears were already streaming down my face as I turned away. Hindi ko pinansin ang paghabol sa `kin ni Julian. A hand grabbed mind. Will you stop running away like a coward! I stopped dead in my track. Pati `yung luha ko parang nag-freeze. He was really shouting at me! Then CM gasped. Jeannie! Bakit mo `ko sinisigawan? Sigaw ko. You are acting so cowardly! Ikaw lang ba ang nasasaktan?! His hand gripped my arm so tight it hurt. Jeannie! Oh my, I need you. Umiiyak ang baby. Even CM was wailing! Jeanni SHUT UP! Nag-chorus pa silang dalawa ni Julian. Czarina peed on me!!! Napatingin kami sa baba ng pantalon niya. Down there on his crotch. Oh, very good girl. Bata pa lang matalino na. Then the baby started making gurgling sounds. S he beamed up at CM as if saying: Maitim pala ha. Mas pinili kong sumabay kay CM sa sasakyan. I didn t want to be with Julian in the same car. It became somehow awkward. Kung dati kung pwede lang na ibulsa siya ay ginawa ko na pero ngayon? The silence stretched between us. And we didn t know how to ruin the wall that separated us. Emotionally. Julian was waiting at the front step of the entrance. Night CM. Jeannie give him a second chance. I raised one brow at him. Tapos hinawakan ko `yung noo niya at pumikit. Kampon ni Satanas umalis ka sa katawan ng kaibigan ko! He gasped. Jeannie naman oh! We started laughing. Gah, I missed this. Sawa na `kon g umiyak. But the sorrow kept persisting with every thoughts of what could have been. I m thinking about joining the contest CM. His eyes were uncertain. Parang hindi niya `ko narinig. Saka makakagawa pa rin na man kayo no, ano bang silbi ng reproductive system mo kung hindi mo naman gagami tin? I hissed at him. Then he slowly smiled. Ayoko nga sanang pumayag na maging best m an, Goodness gracious Jeannie, ang beauty ko pang-alalay sa kinakasal? I should have been you, the brid Oh, my God. He covered his mouth. Napanganga ako dun. As in, literally. What are you talking about? Uh-oh. Julian told me not to say that he s going to prop I didn t say anything. Sabi nit o sabay tampal sa bibig. Mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran. I was walking like a zom bie toward Julian. I heard the engine of CM s car out of the driveway. Didn t really care. All I cared about that instant was the man I d hurt so much. I didn t even consider his feelings.

He looked like a boy. His right shoe was toying the marbled flooring. He slowly looked up and arched one brow and whispered: What took you so long? As if he was waiting for me all his life. He slowly stepped forward. NIyakap niya ako. Hindi gaanong mahigpit. As if he wa s testing the waters. I didn t push him like I always did in the few months. Give m e a second chance. Could I forgive and just forget? Kaya ko pa kayang magmahal kung hindi na buo an g puso ko? THIRTY Of course, deep down I already knew the answer. I would give him a second chance . Oi, hindi madali `yung decision ko. Kahit na nga ba sabihing gwapo si Julian a t mayaman. Some would even say that I d won the lottery by having Julian. With rai sed eyebrow I could very well say na ako si Jeannette Rose Leviste ang tanging t aong nakapagtiyaga sa ugali niya. So who was being lucky here? Eh, `di siya. I stood up and stared sadly at the engraved name: BABY JJ. He was a boy. He coul d have been months now. I would have given everything to have him crying in the middle of the night waking me up for his breast feed. But of course, I didn t ask for him to do that now. As in now. Baka gusto niya talagang mabaliw ang mommy ni ya kung iiyak siyang bigla sa gabi out of nowhere. I ll give your father a second chance, baby JJ. Do you know that mommy loves you so much? I murmured achingly. I walked down the street. Naramdaman ko `yung hangin. Ewan ko ba, sa mga novels na nababasa ko `yung hangin na `yun `yung loved ones nila na nawala na. Could it be a sign that baby JJ want us to be together again? I was trying to smile. I was looking out of the manila bay when the phone started ringing. Jeannie! I m so rry. I have submitted your painting. The one with Julian under the shower? This was a make-or-break decision. My whole future at stake. Either Julian or Career. Eh, kung karirin ko na lang kaya si Julian? Kung pwede nga lang ba. I walked down the streets of Manila bay and along CCP. I missed these places. An g hangin tinatangay ang buhok ko. Then my eyes started getting misty. Syempre ii sipin nila napuwing lang ako dahil sa lakas ng hangin. `Pagharap ko nagulat ako. There was this little cherubin who was looking at me. Really looking. Then he smiled. Nyek. Sana hindi na lang siya nag-smile. Okay na sana. Anghel na naging tyanak p a. I started laughing horribly. His teeth were decaying. Tapos one seat apart. `Yun g parang sa cannibal? Tapos `yung ilong niya kumakalat lumalapad `pagtumatawa. Pat i siya nakitawa na rin. Baliw ba `tong batang `to? Matawa kaya siya kung malaman niyang siya `yung pinagtatawanan ko? But his cute. Madungis nga lang. At may hawak siya ng mga sampaguita. Ewan ko ba , but my heart suddenly went out to him. Ate, brokenhearted ka ba? Ah, ayos. I slowly smiled. He must have been at least eight years old. Okay lang `yun ate, marami pa namang lalake dyan. Tignan mo nanay ko nakapag-asaw a agad. Sampu na kami! I winced. Oh, God. Real life drama pala ito. Really? Oo, `yun nga lang ang hirap ng buhay. I nodded. Anong pangarap mo? Kung sinabi nitong maging mabuting asawa t ama babatukan ko talaga `to. I recalled one of my classmates in High School telling that particular dream of his. Hello ? Kahit naman hindi mo pangarapin `yun, it was human instinct. Caring to your lo ved ones. Wala ka na bang maisip na matinong ambisyon? Gusto kong maging doktor ate. Sana nagamot ko man lang si tatay at `di siya namata y. Kaso wala kaming pera.

Ngumiti ako tapos naglabas ng five hundred pesos. I gave it to him. Tapos napa-w ow siya. Minsan lang `yan no. Masama palang napapaisip ako, nakakapaglabas ako n g pera. Tsk. Seriously there were people who were given the privilege to live the ir life the way they wanted to be. At anong ginagawa nila? Ayun: Pare let s party! Party! Ilabas na ang cocaine. Oh, `di ba sosyal? Samantalang sa kasuluksulukang kalye ng Cubao rugby lang. The irony of life, `yung mga gustong mag-aral walang pampa-aral. `Yung mga may p ampa-aral ayaw mag-aral. This wasn t one of those overrated version of classic dra mas. It always happened in real life. Sometimes happy endings were just in Fairy tale stories. Kung ang motto ko ay: I could kiss and be damned tomorrow. Baka bukas isa na din ako sa mga taong grasa. Ngayon pa nga lang baon na kami sa utang kay Julian. We ll, kung hindi mo naranasang mag-promissory note sa school o humabol ng scholars hip. And you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Very fortunate of you. Pero kung isa ka sa mga pinanganak na walang kasiguraduhan ang hinaharap. I m prou d of you. Why? `Coz I believed that what doesn t kill you can make you stronger . I had nothing against rich kids. It was just that I hoped they knew their good f ortune. I smiled at him and slowly stood up. I stared fixedly at the blue and white sky. Then I saw a man with his canvass. Hindi man lang nahiya. May mga nakapalibot s a kanya habang nagpe-paint siya. I was a bit disconcerted at first. He wanted to capture the orange horizon with its reddish rays around the sun. How could I let Julian go? I love him so much. Blame CM for this. He was already in New York by now because of that blasted con test. Oo. Ipinasa niya `yung painting ko. The one with Julian. Not under the sho wer! `Yung ginawa ko noon sa Morocco. I slipped into the room with so much as a noise. Nakita kong nakatalikod si Juli an. May kausap sa phone. He kept looking around as if it was some top government secret. Masama kutob ko dito. `Wag lang talaga siyang kakaliwa. Nako. Little di d he know that I was a descendant of Gabriela Silang? Beware. Baka hindi niya na pakinabangan `yung ano niya `yung ano sex aherm appeal niya! Nagtago ako dun sa may corner. I strained my ears against the wall. Dapat all set na para bukas. I want to surprise Jeannie about the engagement. Tha nks mom! I suddenly felt like the biggest scumbag ever. Wala na ba akong inisip kundi ang pambabababe ni Julian? Men could be honest, y`know. SOMETIMES. But really, I th ought my heart would burst any minute. My eyes got misty. Tapos nagtago akong maigi ng nagmamadali ng umalis si Julian. It was only four i n the afternoon, so I think he d got lots of work to do. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. I wanted to celebrate Julian s awakening! Namuti na ang mata ko kakahintay sa kanya. I was so angry. He didn t even bother t o call if he wasn t retiring early! Damn him. Nagluto ako. I even bled my finger w ith the bread knife. At ano? Para sa wala. I even asked God to make my cooking p erfect. Err, okay. Hindi man ganon kasarap `yung niluto ko, at least passable na man. Iniyakan ko pa ang paghiwa ng sibuyas. I started putting away the cold food. I heard footsteps. I didn t even look up. Ba ka maibato ko lang sa kanya `yung kare-kare at kalderata. Siya pa ang isawsaw ko sa alamang. He didn t really deserve a second chance. Birthday mo? I hissed. God. Were all the men in general like this? Or only him? He was still insensitive. Alam mo ba `yun. Nasugatan ka na, itatanong pa sa `yo kung nasaktan ka. Stupid. Hindi. I made face. Baka pasko. He frowned and arched one brow. He dipped one finger at the dish. Tinampal ko `y ung kamay niya. That s not for you! I was acting childish. Who the hell cared. Siya nga ni hindi man lang maisipang mag-text or tumawag.

Oh? Kanino? Sa aso, ganon? Inis nitong sabi. He slouched on the chair and massaged his temple. He didn t look the man who was so eager to propose. Parang napipilita n lang. Massage my temples. Lalong tumaas `yung kilay ko. Kung makautos kala mo bayad na sa kasalanan niya. Diniinan ko ang mga kamay sa ulo niya. Kung pwede lang na bumaon `yun baka nangy ari na. I was hissing while sinking my fingers deep into his skin. Galit ka ba? lingon niya sa `kin. Hindi. I smiled sweetly. Tuwang tuwa nga ako sa `yo eh. A slow sexy goodness, I might melt, smile cracked on his lips. You prepared this f or me. He said that with conviction. Gusto ko kapag nag-asawa na tayo nasa bahay ka lang. I want you here with our children hmm mga sampu okay na. I gasped. Anong tingin mo sa `kin palahiang bab oy? I hissed at him. He laughed loudl y and lunged at me. I was screaming when he scooped me up in his arms. Julian let me down! I yelled a t his back. He turned me upside down. Grabe. He was a cave man! Okay lang kung buhat. Pero hindi ganito na binibiyabit niya `ko mula sa balikat niya. I was pummeling his back. Oh, right. He even smacked my bottom! Tapos tawa siya ng tawa. He put me down no threw me onto the bed. Julian Oh-kay. My breath got hitched. He was unbuckling his pants. Would we start makin g babies now? Para makaabot sampu? My mind was screaming: I wasn t prepared for th is. Hindi joke lang. Pakipot lang. No, I was really a bit taken aback. What do yo u think are you doing? Perhaps going to striptease? He said playfully. Goodness. He even waved his polo up in the air like a cowboy. Had his horse been hidden somewhere here? He should h ave been putting me on his white horse and dashing me off to a castle and not to a Err, bed! You re not serious. He really smiled at me. Nakakatakot itong Julian na `to. Where s my husband? I whisp ered. Masyadong wild at aggressive `yung isang `to. He was teasing me, while doi ng an imitative dance of that of macho men. Grr, hindi bagay! I tried to cover my face with my hand. Of course, alam na, with gaps between my fingers. He was pulling down his pants and oh So disappointed. Damn boxers. Panira. He started laughing and crawled to the bed . Julian no! I shrieked when he tickled my feet. Our eyes met. I hadn t noticed that he was already on top of me. Our bodies touched. Were there flames everywhere? It was getting hot. I didn t want to close my eyes for a second because Julian might vanish into thin mists. I hadn t thought that I could love this much. Siguro nga sa `ming dalawa ma s malaki ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Yes, he loves me but not as much as I do. L agi namang ganon `di ba? There would always be someone who would give more love than the other. Sa relationship, Oo. It was proven and tested. He kissed me passionately. Yes, words were mere words until you felt them. You e xperienced them. Hindi lang sarap ng pisikal. It was more. More that you couldn t define. A kiss wasn t just classified into: smack, chaste, French or torrid. No. A kiss meant everything. Brotherly kiss. Fatherly, or whatever we could thin k of. But this was one? We were groping for each other. Thirsty. Like we could satisfy the months, almost a year without this physical aspect of our relationship. He nipped my lower lip and kissed each corner. I even hugged him tight to myself th at I thought I couldn t breathe anymore. It was hot and explosive. Stop He groaned. I was trying to capture his mouth. Alright, I was too eager. Ayoko nang magpaka-ipokrita. We were husband and wife in the eyes of God. Maybe we were immoral in the eyes of the society. Papel lang ang kulang sa `min. Not t hat I was saying living in was justifiable. Pero I believed that you couldn t go play

around if love wasn t involved. C mon! I wasn t raised to be promiscuous. But I wasn t running for a Maria Clara nominee either. We should all know our limits. At ang sa `kin. Si Julian iyon. I was bound to hi m. By God and by love. Goodness, ang keso ko. I just wished that when we grew old together it would still be like this. Sisigawan niya `ko. Tapos sasabihin ko ano ? kasi hindi ko na maririnig kasi bingi na `ko. What? I would scream if he told me: no. What? Siya nga `yun ang manre-reject? Eeh. Nag papa-yummy pa kasi. It s just Just? I asked impatiently. `Wag ka ngang excited. I gasped. Excuse me? I glared at him and he started chuckling! I just want to make this time gentler. I was like: OH? With arched brows. Wasn t it a bit too late for that? After the wa y he took me that first time? He was going to tell me to go slow? Ach. He was re ally something huh. I was about to shout at him to go to hell when he started raining tiny kisses do wn the side of my face. So, this was his idea of going slow eh? Parang ako ata a ng unang mamamatay. He was killing me softly. I was choking back the words. Mali kot ang mga kamay nito. Slow. Gentle. Like he really wanted to get acquainted wi th every part and pore of me. He loved me. Touched me and kissed me like there was no tomorrow. I didn t know it was like this. I thought and heard about sex was all hot and swea ty. Of course, `yung x-rated version ba naman ang panuorin mo na pinahiram pa sa `yo ng Good Influence and Morally upright mong c mate. Well, it was very differen t. And almost the same. Whatever. The heat and the rush were there. He came back to my lips and kissed me openly. I love you He whispered as he claimed me. There was no pain this time. We soared. I screamed. He groaned. At pumunta kami sa banda roon. For the first time, I tast ed a morsel of heaven. Where we could hear our breathing as the music playing in our ears. Or it could be our heartbeats. I love you too I whispered against his hair. He was cuddling against my bosom. It w as like this was the last time. CM talked to me on the phone earlier. I was a bit tensed. Hindi ko alam kung dah il dahil alam kong ngayon magpo-propose si Julian. Which he thought I had no clue of. Nilagyan niya ako ng blindfold. Don t tell me ipapa-salvage mo `ko? I tried to joke my way around him. He was also tensed. I could feel it in his hands. Na nakahawak sa bewang ko. Okay na ba? Not yet. He took the blindfold off. I was happy and overwhelmed to see all of them. Sila mommy at daddy. Everyone. Kahit `yung mga associates ni Julian. Even Brad and Vi ncent were there. And Jean with her baby. I started crying because because He kneeled down on his knees. And put out the ring. Nung una nga hindi pa niya m ahanap. I wanted to laugh at his clumsiness. Akalain mo `yun. The great Julian S unico was trembling. Well, every man had his moment. Lalo na `yung mga nagpo-pro pose. I shouldn t be surprised but I was. I was staring into his eyes. And God, how I loved this man with all of my heart. Posible pala. Akala ko hindi. Maybe I was really living in one of those fairy t ales and that I would be woken up by my mother. Late na pala ako sa school. Will you, he cleared his throat. Jeannette Rose Leviste be my wife? I blinked once. Twice. Thrice.

And looked at everyone. The diamond ring was sparkling. As if telling me to say yes.

Nakita kong napahigpit ang kamay niya sa hawak na box. Tears streamed down my ey es. I couldn t help it while nodding rapidly. I love you you know that. I whispered through my blurring vision.

But I m sorry I can t. I even once asked many about which would they prefer: love or career? I couldn t very well answer my own question back then. Pero sa totoong buhay. Hindi lahat ng tao mas pinipiling mag-settle down kaysa piliin ang opportunity na ibi nibigay sa kanila. In reality, that s why we have choices. Because we couldn t have them all. CM s motto: opportunity knocks only at once door. I was nominated for a one-year e xhibit and tour around the world. Didn t you know that not all dreams come true? I needed to grow and that didn t include Julian in the picture. It was the most pai nful and hardest decision to make. Did you think I wasn t hurt? Did you think I mi ght be selfish? Pero hindi nga ba mahirap abutin ang mga pangarap? I didn t want t o look back one day and blame Julian for not fulfilling my dream. Ngayon ko lang na-realize tama sila. Gasgas na pero it wasn t him, it was me all al ong. I cried my heart out when I saw the defeat and hatred in his eyes. I was really s orry.

THIRTY ONE Compromise. I should have put that in Julian s vocabulary. But didn t I ever at a person in pain overlooked everything? Hindi nga ba t mas natatabunan ng ang logic? He walked out on me. I should have been the one running away after doing the ecting. But no. He did. And I was chasing him. As always. I didn t cry. For once, gusto ko namang maging matatag sa mga desisyon ko. I even dare look at everyone. Alam ko, they would ask me the why s and what s. u still have a clue that I love life? And so I did Julian. know th sakit rej didn t Didn t yo

I found him in the adjacent room. His back was turned to me. His forehead was be nt against the wall. He didn t bother to turn around when I shut the door closed. I smiled bitterly to myself. Julian Akala ko dati, kaartehan lang `yung mga nababasa t napapanood ko. That finding your self wasn t really true. Ano bang alam ko nung time na `yun? Gusto ko lang maging m agaling na pintor. Gusto kong matupad ang mga pangarap ko. And it was my dream e ven before Julian entered my oh-so-boring life. True. Sa mga single, lagi kong sinasabi noon na mas masarap maging single. Masara p walang pinagkakagastuhan kapag monthsary. Kasi wala ka ngang ka-monthsary! Wal ang naninigaw sa `yo on the phone when you couldn t text him. Why not? Either I ha d no choice `coz there was no one had dared to hold my hand at that time. O dahi l sa dinami dami ng lalaki sa mundo walang sumigaw sa `kin ng katulad ng pagsiga w ni Julian. Or they weren t as sexy as Julian. I tried to smile. Again. Yes. It was very true. Hindi lang naman lalaki ang makakapagpaligaya sa `yo. Lit erally and hmm figuratively. You could live without them but somehow let s be honest ; life without them was a boring world. Ano? Magtititigan na lang tayong mga bab ae? At the back of our minds we wished for someone to fill the cold nights. With pho ne calls! LOL. And warm hugs. Ano ba, syempre masarap pa ring merong pipilit na kunin `yung kamay mo in public kahit kunwari ayaw mo. I ll be away for a year. In New York. He didn t turn around. Julian painting is my very first love. Before you. I pouted and looked out of the w indow. Wala ka pa. Nandun na `yun eh. Wala ka bang sasabihin? Gusto kong sabihing naiintindihan kita. Bulong nito. His fists clenched. Pero masak it Jeannie. You could have told me yesterday. Or even last night! He was now shou ting. Nung humarap siya. Siguro hindi na `ko natakot. He looked at me from head to foo t. Isang taon lang `yun Julian. One year Jeannie? Do you think a year is only a day for me? Galit nitong sabi. Gusto kong isigaw sa kanya: If you love me, you also have to love what I do! Per o alam kong hindi ganon kadali `yun. Kahit ako man, kung iiwan ako ng lalaking m ahal ko sa harap ng altar baka mapatay ko siya ng wala sa oras. Pain was pain. T here was no way around that but time. But wasn t that our problem? Time. I won t ask you to wait for me Julian. `Coz I don t know what will happen. Reality bites. Long distance relationship only stood a chance as big as my thumb finger. Unless you tell me, you stood against odds and still be together after a year. Kung anim na bwan nga `yung iba wala na. Isang taon pa kaya? I wasn t being pessimistic here. Just being realistic. Heart grew colder with the absence of the other. At hindi naman sa wala akong ti wala sa mga lalaki. In general. But hey, men are men. C`mon! `Wag na nating loko hin ang sarili natin. Abstinence was an avoidable word in their dictionary. Mamamatay `yan kung isang taong walang putahe sa hapag kainan. It might sound exaggerated. But it was almost true. Of course, there was always an exemption. If and only if they d devoted themselves to God. Pero hindi nga ba k aya nga kakaunti ang pari sa mundo? At ang iba pa sa kanila y. Glory be to God. Na gkakasala. Not that I was here to sit judgment. Those were just life s facts. Jeannie I will Wait for you My breath got hitched. That was what I wanted to hear from him. Ang gulo ko no? I asked him not to wait for me but then I wished with all my heart t hat he would. Sino bang nakakaalam kung bakit ganito ang mga babae?

Never forget you. I wanted to slap him at that moment. So, dapat ba magpasalamat pa `ko? Utang na loob ko pa bang hindi niya `ko makakalimutan? Dapat bang magpaparty pa `ko? He s mirked at me. Gusto mo bang sabihin ko sa `yong hihintayin kita Jeannie? Then wha t after our promises to one another. He paushed. BITTER! After a few e-mails and letters. Postcard greetings. It would deteriorate with ti me. What if you find someone new? What if you do? I hissed at him. He shook his head. Hindi kaya maglolokohan lang tayo? He gave up on me. `Yun lang ang naiintindihan ko sa lahat ng `to. You re giving up on me. He shook his head. It seemed clich but I m letting you go. Was there a difference? Iniba niya lang ng phrase pero ganon din `yun! Jeannie if you stay you choose me. I gaped at him. So this was what he called letting go huh. However, if you walk out of that door. It meant goodbye. I gritted my teeth. Oo, natetempt akong mag-stay. Pero pano na lang `yung mga pa ngarap ko? Hindi lahat ng tao nabibigyan ng ganitong opportunity. Para akong rob ot na naglalakad. My mind was made up. I chose my path. And Julian didn t want anything to do with it. Julian I whispered when I was in between the door and the outside world toward achi eving my dream. Get out Jeannie. A mere whisper. But it hurt a lot. I lo Don t tell me you love me, dammit! Just just get the hell out of here!!! Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at naisara ko agad ang pinto. I bit my lip to stop from crying out. Narinig kong ang pagbagsak ng mga gamit at kung ano mang mga nagkala t na basag doon. I didn t care. I didn t really care. My heart was breaking into pie ces. God, couldn t I just have both? Somehow maybe I would eventually forget him. I m sorry baby JJ. We disappointed you. Two years later. Jeannie! I raised one brow. Sino pa bang titili ng ganoon kung hindi ang kaisa-isang kaib igan ko sa mundong ibabaw. I mopped my forehead with the towel. Busy? I shrugged my shoulders. What? He smiled sheepishly. So what time s your date later with Rick? Todo smile ito. You k now dear, I like him. I cleared my throat and glared at him. For you. Ano ba Jeannie defensive na sabi ni to. Of course, I won t ask where you are going. Kung gagabihin kayo e, este uumagahi n, it s okay with me. I understand. I really do. I glared all the more at him. Sakalin ko na kaya `tong kaibigan kong `to? He tried looking over my shoulders. Ano ba `yang ginagawa mo ha? Tingin pa. Hinara ngan ko `yung painting sa likuran ko. Wala. Let s eat. I m hungry. I tried pushing him toward the kitched. Bago pa man ako makapagsalita ay nahugot na ni CM `yung tel a mula sa canvass. Sh!t. He arched one brow. Sino `to? I avoided his scrutiny. Then shrugged. Pwede ba. Ah. `Yung lalaki sa panaginip mo? Tuwing gabi dinadalaw ka? CM! He looked at the painting more closely. And damn if he wasn t handsome here and nud e. Ex mo? Kung makapagtanong kala mo inosente! I gritted my teeth. You might be seeing some body I don t know. Galit kong sabi sa kanya. I snatched the cloth from him and cove red it again. And correction, he isn t nude here. Eh, `di topless. Ang arte. Ganon din naman `yun. Nahiya ka lang pero ang ido-draw

ing mo talaga nude. I started preparing for our food. We now shared a unit. Two years. Actually, it was a year, eleven months and twenty seven days. Nakalimutan ko na siya. He didn t exist anymore. Bakit ba hindi? Sino bang unang nakalimot? I e-mailed him, sent postcards and letters. And they were all returned! Except for the e-mail syempre. Jeannie What! You haven t forgotten him. Who? I asked innocently. Baka si Piolo Pascual. Inis na sabi sabay irap. Jeannie kung magmamahal ka, huwag mo ng ibigay ang lahat. Magtira ka sa sarili mo, para sa susunod na magmamahal ka u lit may ibibigay ka pa. Napa-smile ako kay CM. Para kasing sinapian na naman siya ng masamang espiritu. It was so un-CM like. Totoo naman. How could you love another if you couldn t love yourself? She spent wandering around the world. She won the painting contest. Y es. It was all worth it. But deep inside there was that wishful thinking that somehow he should have been there at night to cuddle her. Malay ko bang nagkaroon pa kami ng baby JJ the sec ond. I ve already forgotten him CM. Wala na ni hindi ko na nga natatandaan kung pano siya ngumiti. Kahit kahit `pag sumisigaw siya hindi ko na matandaan kung pano nagigin g singkit lalo `yung mga mata niya. At lalong hindi ko na natatandaan kung pano siya Humalik? Inirapan ko siya. I was starting a new life now. No more Julian. Rick was handsome. In a fashionable way. He was half-Canadian half-Filipino. Mab ango. Gwapo. Matangkad. And very gentleman. I was even looking out for some sign s of imperfection. Maybe he was an angel sent from above. At si Julian ang devil. I snorted. He raised an inquiring eyebrow at me. You seemed preoccupied. Me? Ah, no. You look beautiful and sexy. I smiled at him. At bolero! Na ni minsan hindi man lang ginawa sa `kin ni Julian . I shook my head. This was our first date. My very first date after almost two years. I know thank you. Pa-humble pa. I looked at his impeccable white shirt underneath his coat. He was really one he ll of a handsome man. Kung siya ang mapapangasawa ko ulit. Malamang magiging gwa po o maganda ang magiging anak namin. Save that he wasn t Julian. He held my hand. Nabigla ako. His hand started squeezing my thighs. My eyes grew wide. Uh-okay. He smiled at me. You know that I like you Jeannette. Pisil pa. I tried hard not to jab him in the ribs. So now he wasn t perfect. I his sed. I know, we were in the 21st century. And this was New York! Kulang na lang ako ang gawin niyang dinner. I took hold of his hand. Bago pa kung saang imperti nenteng lugar mapadpad iyon. I tried hard not to glare at him. Para siyang sawa. Kahit anong pigil ko sa kama y niya kung saan napupunta. He was as sleek as a snake. I was looking out of the crowd when I met a pair of eyes. I couldn t breathe anymore. Hindi dahil nasasakal ako sa yakap ng katabi ko. Goodn ess, those black eyes. He stood up and moved right to the door. Mabilis akong na patayo. I couldn t ever forget that face. Akala ko ba nakalimutan mo na siya! Grabe. Ang h irap kausapin ang sarili mong isip. Hey, where are you going? I squeezed through the throng of people. Naiiyak na `ko ng hindi ko na siya maki ta. The people were blocking him. Takbo. Lakad. Dammit. Excuse ako ng excuse par ang wala namang naririnig! Julian Bulong ko.

I saw this man with his black coat. The same with Julian! Um sorry miss? Parang gusto kong lumubog sa kahihiyan. Ano ba. Bakit ba `ko ginaganito ni God? I didn t really care about him anymore, did I? Sino bang niloko ko? Kung hindi ang sarili ko. I turned around in defeat. I gasped. There I saw him. I realized then that I missed him I missed slapping him. Yeah. He was walking beside the very lovely Tricia. Could I just pluck that lovely hair out of her head? Just this once.

THIRTY TWO Operation Iwas. Whenever I bumped into someone I didn t feel like being chummy-chummy with, the mo st effective way I do was simply pretend to busy myself with finding my purse or looking at something in the opposite direction. Pero hello? Wasn t it too obvious of me? Nakita ko na sila t lahat. Wala akong dalang bag para mag-pretend na may h inahalungkat. I had failing eyesight. Yes! I had as of today, this exact minute. Pero pano ko idadahilang near-sighted ako, eh, kung tutuusin ilang hakbang na la ng sila sa`kin? Damn. I gnawed at my lower lip. My hand was sweating coldly. Thi s wasn t what I d envisioned of seeing Julian again. Bakit ang hirap magkunwaring hi ndi ka nasasaktan? When in fact you wanted to cry in front of him? You know what; I believed that there d be that one person you couldn t ever forget i n your life. Siya `yung sa dinami dami ng nakahawak ng kamay mo. O kung marami m an. Siya lang `yung perfect fit para sa `yo. `Yung totoo? Pwede mong sabihing hindi na `ko magmamahal ulit . Words from a mouth of a heartbroken. Rubbish. You d be a big time liar. Kasi we were made to be human. Human nature na `yun. We d keep falling and falling in love over and over again. But to those who had passed by. Tandaan niyo, may isang maiiwan diyan sa kasuluk sulukan ng puso mo. Either he or she stayed or not for keeps. Hindi nga ba makab ayan si Rizal? Siguro kung buhay pa siya active siya sa United Nations. Why not? Iba t ibang lahi ang mga minahal niya. But he had one great love. Leonor Rivera.

I d tell you I could love again but there was only one Julian Sunico. Hindi lahat ng nasa kasalukuyan ay siyang one great love. I didn t know if it was from Bob Ong : Hindi lahat ng nagmamahalan ay magkasama at hindi lahat ng magkasama ay nagmam ahalan. So I was very confident. Kahit sampung Tricia pa `yan, ako pa rin ang mahal ni J ulian. My breath got hitched. They did pass me by without so much as hi! Parang gumuho `yung mundo ko. Iyon pala ang ibig sabihin non. Jeannie?! I didn t turn around. Jeannie? Jeannette Rose Leviste? I closed my eyes. So, she did remember me huh. God give me strength not to throt tle the two of them. At lalong ayokong umiyak sa harapan nilang dalawa. I automa tically turned around and placed a robotic smile on my lips. Hi. You still remember me, don t you? Excited na sabi nito. Of course, nanadya ka ba? Gusto kong isigaw `yun sa kanya. She seemed nice and gen uine. Alam ko, lahat ng third party ang impression sa kanila ay masama. But no, in my rational state of mind, trust me, Tricia was kind and sweet. Pero hindi ak o rational ngayon! God. You ve changed. You ve thinned a little. But it s okay! Before I knew it, she was h ugging me. Argh. I met a pair of dark eyes. Those eyes I d painted in my mind. And he looked bored! As if he didn t recognize me. Gusto kong itulak si Tricia. So he was here, without telling me. At bakit pa Jeannie? Ano pa bang koneksyon niyo? He should have told me, for old times sake! Para ano? Para saktan ang sarili mo? Bakit mo pa kasi siya hinabol?! My hands were shaking due to the cold December night? Or because the chillness i n Julian s stare? I wasn t so sure. Anyway, Jeannie lumingon ito kay Julian. Julian ano ka ba! Para namang wala kayong p inagsamahan. My mouth almost dropped open. Goodness, pinagsamahan? That was an understatement of the century. He shrugged his shoulder and tilted his head toward her. Na par a bang isa lang siyang matagal ng kakilala. Julian Hinawakan ni Tricia `yung braso nito. I rolled my eyes heavenward. What? What do you want me to say? Long time no see? Nice seeing her again? Napabuka `yung bibig ko. He was referring to me now as HER. As if I didn t ah, no, n o never exist in his life. As if I d never been in his bed! Anong tingin niya sa ha los isang taong pinagsamahan namin? One-year stand? Damn him. I felt like crying at the same time bashing him in the head. Akala niyo ba babae lang ang bitter kapag hindi maayos ang ending ng relationship? O walang closure ? Somehow men took it all in. They were the high and mighty Mr. Macho men. But d eep inside they were more hurting. Because they couldn t let it out in the open. Th ey couldn t cry shamelessly like women did. It s okay Tricia. I so smiled at her. But ah, it hurt. Tapos biglang parang bumbilyang nag-lighten up `yung mukha niya. Jeannie! Since you re here, I m going to ask you a favor. You won t mind, right? Tricia ! Julian gripped her arm to shut her up. I frowned. Favor? Could I just kick mysel f for still standing here and not walking out on them? I I Hindi ko sinasadya. As in hindi. Napatingin ako kay Julian. And he was looking b ack at me. His hands were inside his jeans pocket. One brow arched in question. Tricia don t make her lie to you to come up with an excuse. I think she s busy with he r dreams. He snorted! Nanlalaki `yung mga mata ko. I knew a sarcasm when I heard one. I I m not busy Tricia. It s okay. Ilang beses ko na bang sinasabing it s okay ? At ilang es bang para kong sinasaksak kapag sinasabi ko `yun? Oh, my God! Thanks Jeannie! So much. Ano ba `yun?

Jeannie I want you to be my maid of honor! May bomba bang sumabog? It was like I couldn t breathe. She even put her ring fing er in the air. It was sparkling with diamond? Deymmmmm Damn Didn t Julian try to put something like that on me two years ago? Jeannie? Tricia eyed me. Are you okay? I m okay. Gusto ko ng sakalin `yung leeg ko. What was okay here? I looked at them bot h. Nakayakap si Tricia sa braso ni Julian. I saw the way he perused my expressio n. I m okay I m I started laughing, choking a laughter that caught on a sob. Jeannie? Tricia asked again. Are you crying? Ah no, no I m just just too happy! I felt like crying! Tumatawang pinunasan ko `yung l sa mga mata ko. Gusto kong sumigaw sa kanila: Nanadya ba kayong dalawa? I felt like an idiot. No. I was an idiot! I was trying to tell myself I had move d on. Hindi ko alam kung may dapat ba `kong pagsisihan. Like, I should have been in he r place, right? Or we should have been building a family now? Pero kung siya ang pinili ko maabot ko ba `yung mga pangarap ko ngayon? Did you ever feel empty inside? Like there was this giant hole in your heart. I left Julian so that I could grow on my own. I left him because I had no choice. Meron man akong mga choices. `Yun naman `yung mga choices na wala sa options ko . He asked me to choose between him and my career. Bakit hindi niya na lang hiniling sa `king hintayin niya `ko? He could even fly here once in a while. Nagagalit ako sa kanya. Because he didn t even put up a good fight. He just let me go. Just like that. You just call me Tricia. I have so many things to do. Hindi pa man ito nakakapagsali ta ay tumakbo na `ko palayo sa kanila. I was sobbing like a child. Napatingin sa `kin si CM. I didn t care. Eh, kung naka kaiyak naman talaga `yung Dvd na One More Chance ni JL at ni Bea Alonzo. Lalo na `yung part na bumabalik si Basha kay Popoy. He winced. Why are you crying? Nakaka iyak kaya. Huwaaa I hiccupped many times. And cried again. Tumingin ulit siya. This time slow motion `yung pagbaling ng ulo niya. Na para bang nababaliw na ng a ako. W-what? He rolled his eyes heavenward. Ang corny mo `te. Now that stopped me from sobbing. Excuse me? He sighed exaggeratedly. Alam mo ba mas naririnig ko pa `yung pag-iyak mo kesa sa dialogue nilang dalawa. He hissed at me. Bakit ba kapag brokenhearted ang tao kont ing masaling mo lang ng movie o sad songs umiiyak na? Malay ko I shrugged. Mukha ba `kong brokenhearted? Itinaas nito `yung kamay ko at ginawang puppet. `Yan. Tanong mo sa sarili mo. I glared at him. Alam mo ba I saw Julian? Yep. He s here. I ve seen him with Tricia. Nag-aayos kasi sila ng kasal My mouth dropped. Goodness, he knew? You didn t tell me? He shrugged again. Baka kasi makita na lang kitang nakabigti na dyan kaya `di ko sinabi. Alam mo friend you don t look brokenhearted. He nodded solemnly and looked b ack at the wide screen. You look suicidal. Naiyak ako ng malakas sa sinabi niya. Julian s business got bankrupt Jeannie. He couldn t take a day or two to go here for you back then. Alam mo naman siguro `yun he thought you left him because of that. I gasped at the seriousness in CM s voice. Well, he was damned serious. I didn t. Well he thought. Maraming namamatay sa maling akala. Sa sitwasyon niyong dalawa. H indi si Julian `yun. You knew the family scandal. He was sucked dry by Vince Gon zalo. That s why he let you go

WHAT?! Just like that? Ganon ba kaliit `yung tingin niya sa `kin? He shrugged. Nagsubo ito ng maraming popcorn. Teka nga bakit ang dami mong alam? He talked to your mother. Your twin told me Maybe it s better this way I m oka Okay? C`mon Jeannie! You have to be dead to be okay. Silence. Jeannie! What? Why don t you take Julian back? I slowly shook my head. Ah no. Hindi ako ganon ka-kontrabida. I was never fond of maltreated protagonists. `Yung mga tatanga-tangang sumusunod sa yapak ni Cinder ella. Well, at least I didn t have evil stepsisters. Si Julian lang talaga ang evi l dito. So what would happen to Tricia? Julian will have a stag party! Bakit bakit hindi na lang nating totohanin `yung pi kot?! I groaned aloud. CM! The phone started ringing. Hello? Hey, it s me Tricia. Ahm Jeannie lulubus-lubusin ko na ha, I stared stupidly at CM. H e smiled evilly at me. Pwede mo ba `kong samahan sa OB? I want this to be a surprise Surprise! The phone went out of my grasp. Mabilis iyong inabot ni CM. Ano Jeannie ? Ibabalik na ba ni Tricia si Julian? Now I knew the expression: ASA! OB. Baby. Julian. Tricia. Laruan tama. Sino bang laruan dito?

THIRTY THREE I now know the word STUPID, all in capital letters, as I stared outside the glas s panel from here. And little did I know that, that word would be applied to me someday and that someday happened to be now. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Gusto kong magalit. Pero kanino? Sa sarili ko? Kay Tri cia ba? O sa napakawalanghiya kong ex-hubby. Ah, no. Not ex. Never EX. We weren t even mar ried, legally speaking. Wala nga lang sa kanya `di ba? He d even moved on and forgotten all about me. All about baby JJ. At ngayon? Hindi ko alam kung unti-unti ko bang pinapatay `yung sarili ko. Was t here such a thing? Could pain kill you? Hindi naman siguro. Pero isa lang sure k o jealousy could kill. Err I hated him. So shall we go? Tricia smiled at me. She was wearing a floral dress with a cardigan. Very fashionable, eh? Napatingin

akong bigla sa tiyan niya. Are you sure? She looked down at me. Uh-huh. I haven t been celibate say GOD. Kailangan pa ba niyang sabihin `yun? Five months now. Argh. Anong pakialam ko?! Kahit 24/7 pa `yan! Parang convenient store. So it was five months going huh. Utang na loob! So was it any consolation that J ulian mourned over our relationship for over, almost one year and seven and a ha lf months? Actually I wanted it to be a surprise. Yeah. As if. Ano bang ginagawa ko dito? Nagpapakamasokista? Maglaslas na lang kaya ako? Nasa baba na kami ng condo building ni Tricia. I was still silent and mum about it. So how are you? Someone new? I wanted to smile and tell her: Yes, I ve found someone new and I m very much happy. You and Julian can go to hell together, for all I care. Hindi ba magmumukha ako ng bitter? And that would be sheer hypocrisy. Big time. Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung bakit pa `ko pumayag samahan siya sa OB. At sak a hello? Bakit dito pa? Pwede namang sa Pinas `di ba? Oh, c`mon! Don t tell me nau ubusan na ng OB don? Maybe because half part of me was harboring a tiny hope that either Tricia was a certified scheming b!tch, that she was lying for all that Julian s worth (which w as what I would have also done if I were in her place) or she was just too insen sitive. Pano kung sila talaga? After all, Tricia was the first real love of Julian. Are you okay? Lumingon ako. Sabay biglang labas ng doctor. Hindi siya buntis hindi siya buntis nagdadalang-tae lang si Tricia. No! Oo, alam k o, too bad of me to pray. Pero pwede ba at some point lahat tayo nagiging makasa rili kapag nagmamahal `di ba? Now I was getting all worked up. And disgusted wit h myself. Ahm mrs.? Sa sobrang lakas ng kaba ko parang ako ang mahihimatay. The doctor smiled widely. So God wasn t on my side. Congratulations! You re two and a half months on the family way. I was rooted to the seat. Tricia was half-laughing, half-crying. Gusto kong sumi gaw na ang O.A. mo Tricia! Dahil bitter ako sobrang bitter. Thanks doctor. Itinayo niya `ko. Halos akayin na ko ni Tricia. I tried to smile. Palabas pa lan g kami ng clinic. Tricia! I closed my eyes to keep my emotions intact. We turned around and Tricia quickly ran to him and hugged him. I averted my eyes away from the scene. It s confirmed J ulian! Thank you So it was confirmed. They were together. Hindi ako iiyak. Julian only looked at me. Had I seen in his eyes how he wanted me to be sorry? D ahil iniwan ko siya? Dahil pinagpalit ko siya sa mga pangarap ko? Tinawagan nila si CM. It was a time to celebrate. Iba na ata ibig sabihin niyon ngayon. Mag-iinom kasi broken hearted ka. Nauwi kami sa videoke bar. Tricia was spared to drink any liquor. God forgive me. Pero minsan naiisip kong patirin si Tricia. Lagyan ng kung anong valium ang inumin nito. Tsss. Spell desperada. Congratulations! Let s cheers to that. May we all have an everlasting friendship! W alang agawan. Walang iyakan. Give love on Christmas day! CM cheered. Hindi ako makangiti. It was awkward. Tapos pumili na ng kanta si Tricia. Nakakat atlong baso na ko. Before I could even drink my fourth glass, a hand grabbed mine. I met a pair of chinito eyes. What the hell It s your fourth glass. You re drunk. He hissed.

I raised one brow. Ano bang pakialam mo? Tinanggal ko ang kamay niya at ngumiti. I drank it in one fill without breaking the eye contact. Ahm excuse me Julian pwede bang dito ka na lang umupo? Diyan ako sa tabi ni Tricia . I m going to sing. I can t read the lyrics from here. I eyed CM with warning. My so-called bestfriend just ignored me! Sa pagkakalipat nito ay nalipat si Julian sa tabi ko. Umusog ako sa gilid palayo. Magtabi kami ni CM. Jeannie can you move a little over there? Masikip. CM smiled at me innocently. I g asped. At sabay tulak sa`kin. I was ushered into Julian s lap. Julian s hand steadied me fr om slipping into the floor in the other side. CM! Julian was also shocked. I m sor ry Oh my God. I looked down at his hand. This was what you called Women s violation! His hand was there.

There at the side of my ahm waist. Under my lo and behold future! Almost there. Move a little. Exactly. my words. Uh-oh. Hindi naman ako `yung nagsalita non `di ba? Julian s grin was deliberate. Oh, no! Hindi ko sinabi `yun! I was drunk. Yes. I didn t know what I was doing. Yes, yes, that was it. Then we turned slowly. CM smiled at me. Sige tuloy niyo lang `yan. He mouthed. Tric ia s busy singing. Just don t make any noise, mmkay? I looked at Tricia. She seemed really oblivious. Mabilis akong tumayo despite th e dizziness. Julian s teasing smile froze me in place. I thought I d forgotten that mouth. That lips I had kissed many times before. Did it still taste the same? Oh, god. Tricia was singing my eyes grew wide. Love will lead you back. Someday I just know that love will lead you back in my a rms I winced. Oh-kay. Uh-oh. Tricia frowned. Ooops. Sorry. Hindi ko sinasadya. CM said drily. If I know! Pinindot niya talaga ` yung stop button. Para akong masusuka. I covered my mouth and ran to the bathroom. Hindi ko alam k ung sinong sumundo sa`kin. Someone was caressing my back to and fro. I told you, you shouldn t drink. Galit na sabi nito. So it was the high and mighty Mr. Sunico hu h? I gritted my teeth. My eyes were getting misty. I missed him. I missed his ne arness. I missed him shouting at me because he was concerned. Aren t we here to celebrate? I blurted out bitterly. Of course, he said sarcastically. So I ve heard about your new boyfriend. Biglang nagiba ang tono ng boses nito. It was like he was a menacing predator the next. He moved forward. Hindi naman ako claustrophobic pero parang nasosuffocate ako. Is h e making you happy Jeannie? He laughed sarcastically. An artist also. Goodness so y ou aren t any different from your sister. Gusto ko siyang sampalin. Pero hindi ko magawa. I had no strength anymore. Who t old him about Rick? That maniac. I slowly smiled at him. Yes. He s making me happy Julian. More than happy Do you know what? God forgive me for this. I liked it rough . Like you taught me. We screwed in the backseat I was even comparing notes. Kung sinong mas magaling! I hissed. Julian s chinky eyes turned into slits. He moved forward. His hands grabbed my sho ulders, shaking me. I was ready to puke. Oh, you love it, don t you? Why not for th e last time Jeannie? Do you know the word fvckiiiing qui ckie? He was mad. And so w as I. His head came down upon me. Bruising my lips. Demanding. The same heat and inten sity was there. But I didn t try to hold back, slap him or lied about not liking i t. My tears rolled down as the cold nights and empty sheets lay behind the almos

t two years. And more years to come He d be gone from me forever. Was there such a thing? Forever. Maybe it was just sp elled that way. For ever. Sa`min ni Julian? It should have been Neverever. There was always someone in the way. Jean was the first one. Though he didn t love her i t wasn t me he really got tangled with. Tricia was the second one. I closed my eyes. He pushed me away from him. As if I had a contagious disease. At least he was still as affected to me as he was. Some consolation. Congratulations. Isn t that what you want to hear from me Julian? I asked him sarcas tically. I didn t dare wipe the tears. What for? Couldn t he see my heart breaking i nto pieces in front of him? I felt my lips were swollen. If ever my lipstick smeared, I swear, I d file a laws uit against its manufacturer. I smiled to myself humorlessly. Ang love parang li pstick, kahit gawa `yan para hindi matanggal o mapalis basta basta darating at d arating pa rin ang expiration date niyan. He shrugged at me. Na parang walang pakialam! Anger was always okay than indiffe rence. Totoo `yun, kung nagkita kayo after so many years at hindi naging maganda ang break-up. Tatlo lang `yun. Thank you because you left me. I m still mad at yo u because you hurt me (In truth, it meant I m still in love with you) kasi bakit ka kailangang mag-waste ng emotions sa isang taong wala namang halaga sa`yo? And indifference you re nothing to me anymore. He looked up. Kung iniwan kita non? At sinabi ng pamilya kong pakasalan ko si Tri cia dahil papalubog na ang business naming Jeannie? What would you feel? I was a bit confused. Kung ginawa niya `yun? Syempre magagalit ako ng bonggang b ongga! Pero maiintindihan ko ba siya? Syempre kung tanong lang `yun madaling sabi hing: I ll understand you. Pero hindi, eh. That would be sheer stupidity. Walang taong ganoon kabait at kamartir. O kung meron man hindi ako `yun. Jeannie our family s business is my dream. Katulad mo. And at that time Tricia was m y only chance of ever achieving it. Malungkot itong tumingin sa kanya. I started crying. I got his point. Kaya galit siya sa`kin. Kung ginawa niya `yun noon. If he ever chose Tricia for his dream over me I would still be mad at him. I heard CM asking him when he went out. Ano `yan? Lipstick?

THIRTY FOUR How many times did I pray to God that this was just a nightmare? I should be waking up now. Pero hindi. I was still wide awake. For some reason, I thought dreams were made to escape the painful reality. Pero lalo lang akong b inabangungot. Hindi na `ko magtataka kung isang araw ay hindi na`ko magising. It was all too vivid. Because the truth was becoming real to me with each passin g day. Ilang araw na ba nang bumalik ako dito sa Pilipinas? Isa lang ang na-real ize ko: Ang tanga ko no? Ang tanga-tanga ko. Okay, get in line please! I stared numbly at the organizer. CM nudged my shoulder to keep going. Kung umayaw ako, maiintindihan naman nila `ko `di ba? Dapat intindihin nila `ko. But why should I be the one to understand them? Walking down the aisle with the one you love is every girl s dream but walking dow n the aisle with the one you love when you happened to be the bridesmaid was out of the question. Now tell me, sino pa bang tatalbog sa pinakamagarang award na makukuha ko? Kahit nga si Janine San Miguel walang panama sa `kin. I was the first among the Miss Stupidest runners-up. Okay, music please

There was a pianist. Goodness, `felt like it was my death march. Jeannie. Ha? Napatingin ako sa paligid ko. Sa `kin lahat sila nakatingin. CM was eyeing me pit ifully. What had I done now? What! I snapped at the organizer. Tricia smiled at me hesitantly and reached out to me What? Jeannie You re holding the bouquet. Parang slow motion napatingin ako sa kamay ko. I was clutching silly at the bunch of flowers. Kunwari tumawa ako. Then I gave Tricia the flower. When I looked up I met a pair of dark, chinky eyes. Alam mo ba `yung feeling na nagsisikip `yung dibdib mo? Like you were getting suffocated due to pain? Na lalong sumasakit an g dibdib mo kapag pinipigil mong umiyak? That was how I felt just by looking str aight at him. My sister was staring helplessly at me. As if I was a dimwitted, hopeless case r etard. She tried to pat my hand but I turned away from her. Naiinis ako kasi mas aya siya at ako hindi. Ang selfish ko no? I was hurting too much to be sensible. Kasalanan niya `to. I glared at her. Nanlaki `yung mata niya na parang sinasabing: Oh, anong ginawa ko sa`yo? She shouldn t have made me replace her. Hindi ko na sana nakilala si Julian. But t hen This practice was a major catastrophic event in my life next to having lost baby JJ. Sana naman kung nakikinig siya somehow he could guide me. Willed her mother to be strong. Kasi feeling ko, either mabaliw ako or maisipan kong mag-suicide bombin g sa loob ng simbahan. I was walking like a zombie. I didn t know how I dared to be here. Fighting spirit . Free will. Or pride? I didn t know. They were right in front of the pretend pries t reciting their bows. Alam mo ba kung gano kasakit `yun? Hindi. Of course, you ll feel my pain. But not really. Kasi sobra. This was what they cal led almost dying. The pain was excruciating. My heart wasn t just broken into two, but into many pieces. Julian Sunico, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife? My vision became blurred. Para akong nasa pelikula. Pero sana sana lang may take two. Sana may cut. Para naman alam ko kung kailan pipigilan ang emosyon. No Don t J ulian. I do. Just as the words were out. Hindi ko alam kung anong masamang espiritung sumapi sa `kin. At take note: sa loob ng simbahan. I ran away from there as fast as I could. Out. I started crying and vomiting. Kaw awa naman `yung mga walang kamuwang-muwang na halaman. Lalo na `yung mga caretak ers. But at this point in time, all I cared about was myself. Nakakadiri ako. Oo na. Sipon. Luha. Lahat naghalo na. I couldn t stop from sobbing . Are you okay? I slowly looked up. Syempre nahiya ako sa ayos ko. I brushed my hair away from m y wet face. He handed me a towel. He didn t say a thing. Neither did I. I just fou nd myself sitting on the bench with him. And he started talking. And of course, me listening. Do you know, I love this woman greatly. Gusto kong isigaw na wala akong pakialam. If he was sympathizing with me, great. I didn t need another broken heart. Mine was enough for me to handle. Actually, I couldn t handle it at the moment. But she couldn t she couldn t love me back. Her boyfriend got her pregnant. When he le ft her I was there to catch her. That is what love is isn t it? You have to give, t o sacrifice and to understand. Pero anong alam ko nung time na `yun? I didn t know that I was doing that specifically for her.

You have to give, sacrifice and understand. How cruel love is. So I married her. Napalingon ako sa kanya. But after all those years, she s grateful to me. But I didn t want her gratitude. I s tarted hating her for not loving me back. I turned to women from night to night. The only way I knew I could hurt her back He shrugged. Mali ako. Nagkamali kami pa reho. And you hurt Julian the most. Bulong ko. Understanding what he meant. Sa totoo lan g hindi ko naman talaga maintindihan kung anong ibig sabihin ng love. Sabi nila wala daw definition `yun. Pero naniniwala akong meron. But only we had different meanings of love. It was only up to us how to show it. How could you l et go of something that wasn t yours in the first place? How could I forgive Julian for letting me go so easily? How could I stop the pai n? Would time really help me? Or would it just get worse? Hindi naman nakakamatay a ng pagiging brokenhearted `di ba? Unless maglaslas ka. Go figure. At one point, we did things we would never have thought for the sake of love. Nakakatawa no? Manood ka ng XXX tuwang tuwa ka. Makakita ka ng PDA sa l abas yamot na yamot ka. LOL. It was like that in love. Magulo. Hindi mo maintind ihan. Not that I was saying love was connected to lust or so. Whatever. I think, you just have to tell him that at some point you love him as a son. Akal a niya na-neglect siya. Sinisisi niya `yung sarili niya sa divorce niyo. Mr. Sunico smiled at me. You re a good woman. God will give you the man you are loo king for. I crossed my fingers and hiccupped. Sana nga I was walking down the memory lane. I loved him I love him still But things change d. I stopped dead in my tracks. He was there, standing as if he owned the world. Like he always. But this time there was one thing he didn t own anymore. Sa tingin mo ba kung mabubuhay tayo ulit gugustuhin mo pa rin akong makilala? I tr ied not to croak. God. I really tried. This time I was successful. He frowned at me. Why are you asking this nonsense? Nonsense? I laughed. Just as I am to you, right? Jeanni Kung hihilingin kong maging masaya ka, that would be sheer hypocrisy Julian, but then I wished with all my heart that you d be happy if only that is with me. He was looking down at the stones. Nothing to say. I loved you. Julian whispered.

Ngumiti ako. Loved. Bakit pa kasi nauso ang past, present and future tense?

EPILOGUE And in another life I would be your girl We keep all our promises, be us against the world

And in another life I would make you stay So I don't have to say you were the one that got away The one that got away. The one that got away I hit the high-pitched note as I imitated Katy Perry s song. So mehow I know it by heart. I smile softly to myself. Oh, no don t go there anymore Jeannie. I start hating the phrases what ifs and what could have beens. Regrets are those for what you can t have done. Pero kung sumigaw ba`ko ng mas malakas, maibabalik ko ba lahat? Had I cried openly would he would we What if there is a time machine? Or Reincarnation is real? Would I have made him stay? Would we meet again? Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung anong formula kung p ano manatili ang love. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit nagpe-fade `yun. Relationshi ps: Sawa to awa. Kung may love potion lang malamang bestselling item `yun. Meron sa buhay natin na darating. Someone who can make our hearts beat faster. Y our skins tingle when you touch. And we thought he will be Mr. Forever. Well, ne ver naman akong humiling ng Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect. Eh, `di sana tumaya na lan g ako sa lotto non `di ba? They were one in a million. O kung hindi man None in a million. My cell phone is ringing. Binagalan ko `yung pagda-drive. Hello? Ako ang iyong konsensya I grit my teeth. CM. He s laughing. Hey, where are you? Haven t you been with Roy? He told me you re not feeling well. Al am mo naman `yung tao kung gano nag-aalala sa`yo. He loves you I sigh. Napangiti ako. I feel a pang of uncertainty. Yeah. Yeah. Didn t I already k now that? I m on my way to Tita! Where s my pasalubong? I hear that from the other line. With rolled eyes. Give the phone to Czarina. Tita Jeannie! Where s my psp? My laptop and she keeps rambling. Halos mapaantanda ako sa gustong ipabili nito. Parang umo-order lang sa menu kung humiling. I chuckle drily. So like Jean Somehow, I always envy my twin. Deep down I know there s always something that kept me apart from her. And hearing her daughter s voice made me w ish that I were her.

Splitting hairs. I am always splitting hairs. Unknowingly comparing myself to other people. First to Jean then to Tricia. I bet you didn t guess how insecure I am. I am funny, yes, I laugh about that. I am beautiful, but of course, and I find someone more beau tiful than I ever am. Hindi niyo siguro napansin. Pero lagi akong humihiling na sana ako si ganito. Ak o si ganyan. I vee never been contented in my whole life. Well, hell, sino ba? I ve always dreamed of something big. Kaya nga siguro deep down, I thought I could never live up to Julian s standard. I was a scared rat. Love is a very frightenin g thing. Do you ever believe in destiny? Eh, `yung tao ang gumagawa ng kapalaran niya? Ts k. Ang gulo ng mundo no? If you ended up together after so many endeavors. Wow, God must have pitied upon you. Congratulations! That started the word forever. Pano kung mahal niyo ang isa t isa pero kahit anong gawin niyo however you struggle d with fate you still ended up apart? Well, better luck next time, next life. Is happiness really elusive? Hindi ko ginustong mag-asawa ng maaga pero hindi ko rin naman pinangarap na tuma ndang dalaga. I put down the flowers. I raised one brow. Meron ng bumisita dito? I hear a child s laughter from a distance. Merry Christmas! Nagpaparamdam ka ba sa `kin baby JJ? Did you miss mommy? I kneel down. I close my eyes and pray. Na-tense ako. My eyes grow wide when I s ee a pair of a child s feet. Oh, my Napaatras ako sa pagkabigla. Paskong pasko, may d

alaw! The child is holding a doll. She is thumb sucking. Her eyes are chinky. She remi nds me of Tantan. Sino ka? I wince. Siya ang na nga ang nanggulat. Siya ang nagtata nong. Then a woman came running in uniform. Naku halika na, the maid smiles tentati vely and take the child s hand. I feel that emptiness again, to have held a child of my own. I wish the doctors are wrong. It s been five years I whisper and close my eyes and it all came back to me. Wala bang tututol? Sisigaw ba `ko? I placed a hypocritical smile on my lips. I was looking down at the tiled floor, biting my lower lip `til I almost draw blood. I didn t dare look at everyone or anyone for that matter. I was praying with all my might that God w ould give me strength to get through this. Hindi man ako tumingin alam ko alam ko ng lahat sila sa `kin nakatingin. Gusto kong itanong kay father. Kung tututol ba `ko papakinggan niya `ko? Hindi ba masasayang ang effort ko kung mapapahiya lan g din naman ako? So let s proceed. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. My fate was sealed. I was doomed to be a spinster forever. O `yun `yung gusto kong palabasin ngayon. Kasi nasasaktan ako . What was far more hurting than seeing the one you loved walk down the aisle wi th someone not you? Julian August Sunico, do you take this woman, Tricia Leyva Cheng to be your lawfu lly wedded wife? In sickness and in health `till death do you part? Do you know how sick I was? My hands were shaking all over. I was going to throw up any minute now. My vision was getting blurry. Ayokong magpaka-ipokrita, at t his point I was wishing them the worst. It was like in slow motion. I looked up. Sana hindi na lang sana Julian was looking at me. I almost snorted. An overwhelming urge to slap him was building deep inside me. The corner of his mouth twitched in a lazy smile. No no t mocking but it was as if he was telling me that everything would be alright. Pe ro pano? I do. It was all over. Now I know what the phrase killing me softly meant. Bakit ganon n o? Lagi nating sinasabing hindi tayo nag-eexpect pero deep inside, alam natin, w e were hoping against hope. CM patted my shoulder. So it was really over? The end. Finish. I was staring num bly at Jesus Christ. I slowly smiled. Was he also mourning for me? Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko na kaya. Everybody was cheering. There were a lot of well-wishers. Natulak. Nasangga. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari. I wished I was in a time warp. My eyes got misty. Nakita ko na lang si Tricia na naglalakad palapit sa`kin. Kung pwede lang akong sumigaw ng freeze katulad ni Ella, ginawa ko na. They were all staring, e xpecting and gaping at us. She smiled at me. Ayokong tumingin sa tabi niya. But he was there his hands were inside his jeans pocket. One. Two. Three steps. Tricia was in front of me. Giving me the bouquet of flowers. This is for you Jeannie. Thank you... for everything. My hand was trembling as I took the bouquet from her gloved, white hand. Tumalik od ito. Julian took that particular hand of Tricia s that hand that signified letti ng go while he was looking looking at me. At me. Bakit ba hindi nakikinig ang sariling puso? Hindi kaya hindi lang natin alam per o nilagyan ni God ng utak ito sa loob? Our hearts were more stubborn than the ow ner himself. I wanted to let go of the pain. But I couldn t set the love free so ea sily. That was the last of my full thoughts. I heard someone scream. Or did I? I

fainted. Present. Roy hugs me as he hands me his gift. Merry Christmas, dear! I smile at him. My eye s twinkle. Sana Coach bag `yung matagal ko ng inuungot sa kanya. He was an event organizer in New York. I met him through, of course CM. Half-fil, half-canadian . Well, he is a handsome and charming man. Well, I learn to like him through the years. Bakit hindi, sabi nga ni CM titigan mo lang ng buong araw busog ka na. Czarina comes running with my mom. Hija! It s been a long while since you came back C M clears his throat. Napatingin si mommy dito. I roll my eyes. Merry Christmas! Nakita kong may ibunulong si CM kay Czarina. Knowing CM, wala akong tiwala. As i n. WALA AKONG TIWALA, all in capital letters. She beams at me and kisses my chee k. I love you tita. Sa`kin okay lang `yung trip to Disney land. Lang huh? Okay lang. Na para bang diyan lang sa Star City ang hinihiling nito. J ean s laughing and kisses her daughter. Good girl. I gasp. Goodness, kunsintidora! CM handed me a box. I raised one brow. Wallet? Necklace? My mind s warming up with all the expensive gifts I can ever have from him. I snort. Special ka kaya. CM but in. I snort. This time louder with matching ubo pa. Special child. Sabay tumawang parang demonyo. `Yung tawang: Mwahahaha. That Christmas eve we open our gifts. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako kay CM o ano. It was a dvd disk. Kung Titanic ang laman nito paniguradong gagawin ko ta lagang parol si CM. I almost throw it in his face. Mamamatay ka na ba at ito ang gift mo? O kaya nagh ihirap? Fine. I m being ungrateful. But isn t Christmas about giving? And someone told me AND receiving as well? But dammit if CM isn t having his joke time again. He pouts. All I want for Christmas is Jul youuuuuu! Hindi ko siya pinansin. I loathe that word. That name. That Five-letter fvcking word. No not name. Just a noun. Nothing else. That morning I wake up and watch that video. Hindi ko alam kung bakit o kung ano ng nagtutulak sa`king panoorin `yun. Somehow I am restless that Christmas day. Do n t you know that Christmas had just been a holiday word to me? Entirely foreign. The video is blurred at first. Then a face so familiar comes in view. Parang naparalyze `yung buo kong katawan. I almost touch the stop button on the remote co ntrol.

Epilogue Part Two Wala na po siya. Nakaalis na siya? Damn. Stupidass. Okay. Hit me on the head. Tanga na ba talaga `ko? O ako na ang pinaka-tanga sa l ahat ng tanga? Ginagawa ko ang hininging pabor sa`kin ng taong sanhi ng kalungku tan ko? Oh, well. Siguro mabait lang talaga ako. Define mabait. Hindi ko alam kung bakit gusto niyang magkita kami ngayon. At sa sobrang katalin uhan ko dinaig ko pa si Rizal. Magpatayo na rin kaya ako ng monument sa Luneta? A t least he died for his country, ako? Because of just one man? Because of love?

God. Damn him Damn he-who-has-no-name. I close my eyes tight. Nanginginig na naman `yu ng mga kamay ko. Syempre sinama ko si CM. He ll be the Ice breaker, if ever. He kn ew where. Kaya nga gusto ko ng pagtakhan si CM. I ll just wait outside. I raise one brow at him. Napatingin ako sa malaking bahay sa harapan ko. The hou se is overlooking the Taal Lake. Something warm tugs at my heart. I suddenly blu sh. Lofty thoughts Jeannie Bulong ko sa sarili ko. Malamig talaga dito. Masarap s ana kung may kayakap. Sayang It s that damn man s fault! My sigh is long I ll promise that after this I ll try with all my might to for Biglang m y isang petal na lumipad at dumikit sa gilid ng bibig ko. `Nu ba `yan Panira ng m oment! The white petal looks familiar. Ma am? Ha? I turn to, I take it, their caretaker. Have she heard me? Oh, no. CM tilts his head to one side as if shooing me. He s on the phone. Of course, murm uring love words. And no doubt obscene ones. `Wag niyo ng itanong ang mga details . Knowing CM. Alam ko matutuwa I mean, kikilabutan lang kayo. Sige, salamat aalis na lang Kayo po ba si Ms. Leviste? I nod. Sumunod po kayo sa `kin. Ipinagbilin po kayo ni ma am Tricia. I raise one brow. I m looking around the house. My heart constricts just by imagin ing myself having a family. Having my own child. With him. Ma am? Napalingon ako. My eyes grow wide as we enter a white room. My eyes get misty I so remember those days. Those days that I love him. Those days that I thought I ll hate him forever w hich I m doing a poor job of it. Those days I wish I have again. Maybe just in anoth er lifetime I d have made him stay. Hindi ko napansin na ako na lang pala mag-isa. My knees become weak. There are p ictures portraits I remember vaguely. Vague. Malabo. Hindi dahil nakalimutan ko n a kundi dahil hindi ko ginustong maalala. Pictures of me grimacing on our wedding day. My so-called doomsday before. Life-size photos of me in Morocco. That was our best time together, wasn t it? Para `kong nanghihina. Hindi ko napigilan ang hindi mapaiyak. Sobra. It s bittersw eet. You bought my paintings? I start hiccupping. May nag-abot sa`kin ng panyo. I take it and sniff. Yuck. You re gross. Napalingon ako sa bulilit na katabi ko. She s looking up at me And my, my heart bea t triple time. She frowns at me. Who are you? At namaywang pa! Her chinky eyes tur n into slits. Hey, lady won t you talk to me? She pouts prettily. Three teeth are mi ssing. Cute. I wince. Ikaw ikaw `yung Ikaw `yung babae sa cemetery! Saan ba nagmana ang batang `to? Hindi ba tinuturuan ang mga mayayaman ng GMRC sa exclusive schools nila? I slowly chuckle at the thought. Long ago I ask that mys elf. It reminds me of Oh, my God! Anak ka ng demon Oh, God sorry. Anak ka ni Mabilis akong napakapit sa muk ha nito. I cup both her cheeks. Jade! My eyes grow wider. I stop cold in my tracks. The kid skids away from my grasp. D addy! There s a woman here! She s a strangeeeeeer! Napapikit ako. Kundi ba naman nakakatulig `yung pagtili niya. I bet she ll shake t he whole house off. Parang slow motion sa pelikula. Naiisip ko lang kung pano `y ung next scene. I slowly turn around. You know what, somehow I start hating mysel f. Naramdaman mo na bang kahit anong sakit ang idinulot niya sa`yo, he can still make your heart beat faster? Naramdaman mo `yung feeling na kahit na pilit mong

sinasabing wala lang siya sa`yo pero isang tawag lang. Isa lang. Kahit pangalan mo lang. Hindi mo pa rin mapigilan ang sarili mong umasa? There s that tiny part of you that says, idiot don t let go. And everyone who fell i n love became stupid. Agree? He slowly squints. He stares at me for the longest while. I even thought he will run to me and hug me. Close. Tumangkad ba siya? Gumwapo? Tumaba? Lalong pumuti? No. Five years gives him just ice. He s more attractive. The mature lines on his face tell on the wise years. He s thirty-something now. What are you doing here? And more domineering than ever. Biglang tumigil ang pagpatak sana ng luha ko. Sana. I count one to ten to stop m yself from shouting at him. Hindi ako manunumbat. I ll act matured sophisticated. L ike he never existed in my whole life. He s expressionless. Pero nakita ko ang pan ginginig ng kamay niya habang hawak ang anak. Yes. A four-year old chinita girl. Bingi ka ba? I m going. Galit na nilagpasan ko siya. Are you here to laugh at me Jeannie? Just a mere whisper. Or to mock me of what I ve done? Now that you re successful? Hindi ko siya pinansin. Bakit ba? Hindi ba dapat ako ang magalit? Anong karapata n niya? I walk to the door. Have a happy life Is that a fvcking curse Jeannie? Do you know you creep under my skin. Mabilis akong humarap sa kanya. Sasampalin ko siya. My hand stop in midair as a I hear a gasp. Nakalimutan ko she s there. I say instead, You re always good at hurtin g everybody. So yeah, I m thankful now `coz I didn t get to live with you forever. T hat will be very horrible Mr. Sunico. I turn my back on him. So, this is goodbye. I m not sorry for what I did Jeannie. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa mga naririnig ko. Eh, ano pa nga bang ineexpect ko mul a sa kanya? He s still the high and might Julian Sunico. Ang hindi matibag-tibag n a lalaki. Kaya nga nagtataka ako sa sarili ko. How could I have loved him? Galit na pinunasan ko `yung mga mata ko. I m just sorry I let you go. I open the door and smile to myself. I ll be over him in no time at Daddy, she s she s the one in your study room! Her picture s Julian covers her daughter s mouth. Tisha Jade! I met a pair of chinky eyes. Not Julian s more like Tricia s. It s the truth. She pouts a gain. Sabi ni mommy, bad daw ang magsinungaling! Dapat matuwa ako. But by God, how dare him do that. Anong kayang sinasabi ni Tri cia? Nakita kong tinignan ng pagkasama-sama sa anak. It works. Long silence stretched. The little girl bit her nails. Tricia s gone. The video. I remember the video in my mind s eye. Jeannie she smiles at me. That face. I can t breathe again. Do you know the word pain? I guess, you ll tell me yes. Now I guess painful is the best term. Full of pain. It fades as time goes by. I thoug ht it did. Madaling sabihing mag-let go. Madaling sabihing hindi ko na siya maha l. Pero mahirap gawin. Hindi dahil ayoko. Kundi ayaw makinig ng puso ko. Nung bata ako, akala ko kapag hinalikan ni Prince Charming si Snow White okay na . They ll live happily ever after. Juli He even did more than his fair share of kis sing, didn t he? I forget his name. I tried to. Pero sino bang niloko ko? `Yung kuko ko? Gusto kong magreklamo sa Disney! Bakit pa kasi sila nagpaasa. They open my child s eyes that there is a prince charming. That somehow Aladdin will whisk me off wit h his magic carpet. And that he the beast will turn into a handsome prince and he ll give the word foreve r a meaning. Merry Christmas Jeannette Rose Leviste! She waves her hand. I frown when the scree

n zooms in on her face. Parang hindi siya hindi naman sa pumangit siya o Oh-kay. P umangit siya. Parang umitim ang balat nito. Nangingitim ang ilalim ng mga mata n ito. I don t know where to start. She sighs. Anyways, I m not sorry I took Julian from you. Parang nanikip `yung dibdib ko sa sinabi niya. I m just sorry that I hurt you. Ang kapal ng mukha ko no? Alam ko sasabihin mo, Oo. She looks straight at me as if she is really seeing me. They re the happiest years of my life. Not that I love Julian She raises her hand. Na para bang pinapatahimik ako kung ano mang magiging violent reaction ko. Na gust o ko ngang gawin. Bakit ba gustong gusto niya `kong sinasaktan? I always thought of her as the kind, sweet girl. Though yes, I still want to yank that lovely ha ir out of her face which is covered with a bonnet. Oh, he loves me. She laughs heartily. Ewan ko ba, baliw na ata ako. I know something is very wron g here. Hindi ko alam kung ako ba? Dahil dapat makaramdam ako ng galit. O siya? Dahil nakakangiti pa rin siya sa`kin ng ganon. But not the way he loves you. She paused. Do you know she bit her lower lip. I envy you you have the zest for life Jeannie. Naramdaman ko `yung basa sa pisngi ko. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Bakit ikaw ang m aiinggit sa`kin Tricia? Nasa `yo `yung gusto ko. Nang-aasar ba siya? I even salute you when you left him for your dreams. Considering mayaman si Julia n. She shrugs. Not that sinasabi kong mukha kang pera. Natigil `yung muntik kong pagsinga. Grabe! Si Tricia talaga oh. Nakakasama ng lo ob. Back to the present. I blink thrice. He s jesting right? Mommy s gone to heaven. How long is it daddy? She looks at me. You can be my mommy ag ain, Daddy always looks at your picture when he thought I m not there. I even hear d him talking to you Tisha Jade! He s now roaring. Para akong napako sa kinatatayuan ko. I can t seem to ta ke it all in. Relief floods through my bloodstream. Ang sama ko ba? My eyes wate r. Tricia s dead? No. Gone. That s why She s got Leukemia. It was traced way back when yo u entered my life Jeannie. He whispers. That, or rather our families hastened our engagement. But you came mahinang sabi nito. Gusto kong maiyak sa itsura nito. Na para bang hinihiling sa`king unawain ko siya. No. He chuckles to himself. His hand tightens his hold on his daughter. Jean came a nd unknowingly, you replaced her. She had already a bone marrow transplant then. We thought she s already okay. Tricia she never looks a day sicker than she is. Un til when I came to New York to find you. I gasp. Surely surely I m wrong? She s dying Jeannie. She just wants to live her last years making her family happy. They want her to have a family. Her own. He smiles sadly. Kinarga niya ang bata. I am now sobbing silently. It s like I can hear Tricia saying thank you to me to Ju lian as we went out of the OB that day. She thanked me on her wedding day. Am I that selfish? I wish her ill many times in the past? Now what? It s true Jeannie. Napalingon ako. I muffle a gasp. CM knew? Oh, God. He nods rapidly. Kaya pala hin di na siya sumali sa painting competition? Kaya ba hindi ko na siya napagkikita non? It s almost nothing compared to what I endured. Living your life knowing that somehow you have a timeline. Everyone has. But then knowing that you know it s soo ner. CM shrugs. Ano ba! Tigilan na nga natin `to. Nakakaiyak naman kayo. Bilis na Jean nie! Tricia s happy wherever she is. Saka naghihintay na sa`kin si Roy. We have a d ate! He shrieks. Julian just kiss Jeannie. Para matapos na `tong usapang ito. Fren ch kiss. `Yung parang magkukuhaan kayo ng oxygen sa isa t isa dahil Julian s glare still work. Goodness. That shut him up. Five years five long years. Mabilis tinakpan ni Julian ang tenga ng bata. Roy is CM s boo. Gays, queers(halamang dagat) are lovable. Jeannie tell him what you feel

I glared at him. Julian I m sorry. Jeannie ang bagal mo naman kasi pano kayo magkaka Ang dami mong alam eh, no? Sige ikaw na! Inis kong sabi kay CM. He innocently look s up at the ceiling. I hiss. Pakialamero. I m sorry. I m sorry. The years stretch between us. Both don t know how to cross the distance. Nakita ko siyang humakbang palapit. Naramdaman ko na lang `yung sarili kong mga paa na na glalakad din. All the pain is swept away. If I m dreaming as clich as it may seem, p lease I still don t want to wake up. He cups my cheeks. I still want to be a part of your life. He suddenly pulls me into an embrace that robs me of my breath. Ang drama ko. Pe ro wala akong pakialam. Walang reunion na hindi madrama. There will be times that I ll still shout at you I nod. There are times that I want you to shut your lovely mouth sweetheart, `coz I k now how persistent and talkative you are. I nod against his polo shirt. Wetting it. The child is amazed; she s even crushed in between. I love you. It s now or never if he can t accept me for what I am about to confess. . . .. I can t bear anymore child Julian. The doctor said it after I ve had a problem with m y He stares at me. It doesn t matter anymore. Gusto kong isiping umiiyak din siya. Per o walang luha don. But his eyes are glazed. Emotions kept hidden for so long is written there. I love this freaking insane and mad guy with all my heart. He gave love a bad name, didn t he? I smile. I ll be your mommy. Naningkit ang mga mata nito. You re not as pretty as my mommy. Talaga naman. CM starts laughing. Julian tries to suppress his chuckle. It doesn t matter. Mabilis kong hinawakan ang leeg ni Julian. I love you He whispers before he bends down. Love. Love is a very frightening thing. But if you believe in it. In God. In all that is possible without the eyes really seeing it. Well, I don t know about ghos ts or Tricia. But hey, I m very grateful. Five years. Pain and sadness. Now there s j oy. Overwhelming joy that I m afraid isn t real. Don t ever be afraid to love. How hard it is, be yourself. And believe that dreams do come true. I wait for that long overdue kiss. French kiss. Like we need to breathe each oth er s oxygen. Jeannie. Hmm? I built this house remember that first time? What first time? I ask innocently. Sumimangot ito. That forgettable huh? That day i n the car when you yelled like you wanted m Julian `yung bata! I hiss. CM s giggles are getting louder. Just I sigh and smile at Ti sha Jade. I think I ll love her. Oh, I don t just think. I do now. Hindi nga ba at a ng bata ay regalo ng Diyos? Damn evil stepmothers to hell. I promise Tricia I wo n t be one. That I ll still miss baby JJ. I kiss her on the forehead. Just kiss me J ulian. He smiles tenderly. Para siyang bumata ng ilang taon. Thank God. Thank God reall

y. Merry Christmas! He murmurs with no one in particular. I close my eyes and wait wait. What! Inis kong sabi. Bitin. Uh nothing. It s just that Tricia and I never lived here. It s This is meant for you. Oh, how I love him. Thank Jesus. I close my eyes again. I can feel it Ito na. Hap py Ending na. Jeannie? I close my eyes and groan. What now? He smiles at me and whispers: Hindi ako marunong manligaw. I start laughing. Akala in niyo `yun. Nakagawa na kami ng bata noon. Naghiwalay. Nag-asawa siya. Natupad ko mga pangarap ko. Pero hindi pa rin niya alam `yun? Shhh. Until he kisses me it s as if I can still hear Tricia s last words. Hearing her like I did through that v ideo early this morning. I have a gift for you Jeannie. It s a long time coming do me a favor? you know. Only, will will you

No, Tricia, you did me a favor. I smile to myself as I hug Julian close to mysel f. This is our wedding night

Hey, mommy, you re pressing too close! I can t breathe! I close my eyes in frustration as I look at her chinky eyes. Oh, well. What a we dding night. Julian grins at me and wink, promising a one hundred and one pleasu res in life and in the next lifetimes, I hope.

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